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ppcofuarchive) wrote2017-04-18 08:02 am
ppcofuarchive) wrote2017-04-18 08:02 am
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Elvea Aure: "I'll Be the One"
Archivist’s Note: The Department of Misplaced Flora and Fauna was developed by Elvea Aure, aka Killer Barbie, a Boarder who seems to have been active during roughly the same time period as Jay and Acacia themselves. The earliest surviving capture of her site by the Wayback Machine is on November 7, 2003, with all mission links already existing by then. The latest capture for Elvea's site material is August 16, 2004, and “I’ll Be the One” is the only mission of hers that did not get rescued by the Wayback. (Huinesoron backed up the other missions in 2008.)
Light editing for grammar and punctuation has occurred as well as rendering “*pookie*” as “pookie” and fixing “Legolas regained conscience” to “Legolas regained consciousness.” Elvea’s original British-style quotation marking has been retained. This mission is rated roughly PG-13, due to Joe’s amorous flirting and the violence present in the badfic. Elvea’s note at the end contains author-bashing, which is no longer considered appropriate by the community at large.
The PPC and Luxury and Sean were created by Jay and Acacia, and the setting is written in with permission. The Department of Misplaced Flora and Fauna, and Agents Joe and Mel, were created by Elvea Aure, and the agents belong to her. The Middle-earth setting and everything in it belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. ”I’ll Be the One”, and the description of it quoted from the author’s page, belong to MoonBolt.
"I'll Be the One"
Original tagline: Mel and Joe argue like a married couple as they hunt down a unicorn. Yes, it's bad.
For you, Bodldops!
~*~
'You know, for an ex-Sue you don't look half bad in that black uniform.'
'Shut up Joe, it's not working.'
He let himself fall into one of the chairs. 'Damn.'
Mel sighed. She'd given up on him after their first mission and since then hadn't even so much as tried to correct him. He'd just be hopeless anyway. One week and several missions after they'd met, and already Mel wished that she was just another stupid Sue and, just like all the other stupid Sues, had been killed in some kind of poetic justice. Or maybe this was poetic justice. Not being killed, but being forced to kill things and attract annoying self-proclaimed "God's gift to women"s because of her Suvian beauty. That had to be it.
'Let's discuss that dinner again. You promised we'd go if the first mission worked out.'
'I never promised anything. I ran away.'
'In women's language that means the same.'
'Well this wasn't in Woman, but in Suvian. So bite me.'
He grinned. 'Finally you're getting sensible. Name the place, I'll do it.'
Mel let out a sigh of annoyance and raised her index finger. 'Excuse me. I must now be off and slam my head into the nearest solid object I can find.'
'That'd be the console.' Joe replied dryly. Mel maliciously glared at him, but walked to it and started crashing her head into it anyway.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Mel shrieked and jumped backwards. Joe sniggered. 'Now that is why you should never let a woman do a man's job. Women and technology don't work well together anyway.' He started pressing some buttons on the console.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
This time it was Mel's turn to snigger. 'But men can't do a man's job either...' She pushed Joe aside and pressed a large red button that read "mute". The beeping stopped abruptly. Only the flashing lights on the console still indicated that something was amiss. 'I'm beginning to suspect that Upstairs is trying to get us overworked...'
'Yeah, so that we can lie down and have a nice bit of relaxing together...'
Mel didn't look away from the screen as she replied. 'Could you do me a favor?'
'What will I get?'
'My eternal gratitude.'
'That sounds fair. What do you want me to do?' he grinned.
'Go to New York, see if I'm there and don't return until you've found me,' she said dryly.
'Ha ha. How very funny.'
'Always.'
'Oh, quiet you!' For the first time Joe actually seemed annoyed with her; she hadn't believed this to be possible aforetime.
Mel read the text rolling out of the printer. 'Oh goody. We've got ourselves a unicorn.'
Joe blinked, and took a look at the freshly printed-out Words. He shuddered, and started citing the author's comment on the story, as taken from her bio. 'This is the first fic that I actually have the entire plot for! *blushes* Anyway, it was firstly inspired by the song by the backstreet boys: I'll be the One. I just heard it on an old CD and I remembered how I used to make up story plots for Animé with it. Then, I thought what it would be like if I changed it from Animé to Lord of the Rings. So, the tale of Legolas and Otrinity began. I may make a sequel if u guys like it!'
'You had to rub it in, didn't you?' Mel glared at him.
'Shared suffering is only half the pain...'
'Go die somewhere. Shared suffering is double the pain.'
'I love you too.'
'Changing an Anime plot to LotR! Based on a song by the Backstreet Boys!' Mel wailed and looked more than quite miserable. 'Let's go kill it. No mercy.'
'I don't remember you ever showing any mercy in the first place...' Joe pointed out.
'Silence, mortal fool, don't point out plot holes in my master plan.'
Joe wisely ignored her. She'd still have her I-am-so-superior-and-high-and-cool-and-mighty-so-bow-before-me-mortal-fool moods at times, and he had learned that it was best to ignore her when she was like that. Being turned into a newt can be a very effective way of learning a lesson, really. The fact that she'd gotten away with it made him think that Upstairs really, really did not like him. Either that, or Upstairs didn't care. Or both.
'So, uh... what do you say we go after her and get her?' he carefully proposed.
'Didn't I just say that?'
'I don't know. I wasn't listening to you either.'
She glared at him. 'You're gonna be human on this mission. With a little luck Legolas mistakes you for one of the Hunters and accidentally kills you.'
'Ah, the virtues of invisibility...'
'I hate you.'
'Love and hate are only separated by a very thin line. Some even say that extreme hate is just suppressed love.'
'Go die.'
'So I take it we'll have dinner together next Saturday?' A large pack was thrown at his head.
'Bormir, you're staying here this time,' Mel said to the creature, getting a roar in return that sounded rather protesting. 'Be reasonable. If we'd take you with us, we'd have all of Mirkwood on fire in no time.'
'Actually, there is a fire somewhere during the fic.'
'Nobody asked you anything.'
'Why can't we be more like Sean and Lux from Bad Slash?'
'Because I don't want to be a nympho.'
'You, a nymphomaniac. Now that would be nice...'
Mel ignored the comment. 'Got everything?'
'Yes.'
'Good, because then we're leaving. I've decided that we're Elves this time.'
'Why not orcs? Or Uruk-hai? Or giant spiders?'
'Because I've never heard of Uruk-hai Sue, that's why. And I don't wish to be the first either.'
Joe shrugged. 'Whatever.'
Mel picked up her gear and opened the portal. 'Let's go.'
Joe, being in a mood where he could only shrug and think "whatever", got his pack and followed.
The first thing he noticed was that he felt lighter, stronger, swifter, wiser and, well... basically superior in physical capabilities to a human being. Imagine all the things he could do... oh yeah, he liked being an Elf. He looked at Mel. Not much had changed. Same Suvian beauty, same violent glare on her face... only her outfit had changed. No more black uniform, but one of those nice Elven dresses like Arwen used to wear.
'So that is what a Sue truly looks like...' he mused. She pretended not to hear him, and looked around.
The stars twinkled high in the black blanket of the night sky. The Misty Mountains stretched upward, reaching towards those ethereal heavens.
'Are there other heavens, then?' Mel commented. Joe didn't answer and let the Omniscient Author™ continue.
The snow atop them glistened in the moonlight.
'The snow atop what? The ethereal heavens?' Mel sniggered.
Beams of it shot down in large numbers, landing softly and calmly onto the grass beaded with evening dew.
'Beams of what? The snow?' she now wondered.
'You can't even let the author have one line without commenting, can you?' Joe asked in annoyance.
'Well I can't help it that the author writes in such an undefined way!' she replied indignantly.
'If you comment again after only one sentence, you have to go out with me.'
In the long jungle-green grass of Mirkwood Forest, a figure lay in the grass, breathing heavily.
Silence. Joe eagerly looked at Mel and waited for a comment. Nothing.
'Drat. Mel, did you even hear that she said jungle-green? Mirkwood isn't a jungle, right? Isn't that worth a comment?'
She didn't respond. Instead, she maliciously glared at the figure in the grass.
Her white coat gleamed with sleek straightness and a star-white mane lay on her trembling neck. Her stomach heaved and shook, her breath coming in raspy gasps. She snorted through her long, elegant snout. Her silver hooves kicked at the dirt, kicking it up in small clouds. A long, elegant horn was placed in the center of her forehead.
'Is that the one we have to kill?' Joe asked.
'Thank Upstairs, no. The author kills this one off herself.'
'Ah.'
The couple watched as the unicorn gave birth to another one. A newborn foal can easily get comments such as "aww, how cute...". But a newborn unicorn in Middle-earth, in the presence of a couple of very sadistic assassins will only get a reaction such as:
'Why'd she have to make the darn creatures breed?' Mel couldn't stop glaring at the two creatures.
The newborn shook her head, spraying droplets onto the grass which seemed to grow greener as the fluid hit them. Slowly, she put a hoof ahead of her and sniffed the ground. Her eyes fluttered open, exposing a lovely blue color that she shared with her mother. Her mane was long for a foal's and straight as well. She slowly made her way to her feet, her knees knocking together as she struggled to stay standing.
'How are we going to kill it?' Joe asked. 'Or rather, how are we going to make sure we can catch it and then how are we going to kill it?'
'Well, considering that this is a unicorn, the catching part shouldn't be hard. All I have to do is sit in the grass and wait for it to notice me. It'll come right away.'
'Aren't you supposed to be invisible?'
'Not if I decide that I'm no longer invisible.'
'Ah. And you think she'll be stupid enough to come eat out of your hand?'
'Oh yes.'
'Why?'
'Because when unicorns see a virgin they come to them out of instinct.' Mel watched as the foal drank.
Joe grinned. 'Aha! Now I know why you're so uptight! You're a virgin!'
Mel glared at him. 'I wouldn't have been if they hadn't dragged me out of my story so soon...'
'Let me guess. You were supposed to be Éomer's pookie...'
'Shut up.'
'It's funny though.'
'What?'
'Don't think I ever met a virgin before.' He smirked. 'That is, not one that stayed a virgin for long anyway.'
'Oh, spare me.' Mel stomped off. Joe could only grin as she went away—she had to come back again. He had the remote activator. Technically speaking, it was in her pack. But Mel was the kind of person that dropped it as soon as she was where she had to be, and usually forgot to pick it up again. So now the remote activator was in Joe's pack.
The moon rose above the two, blessing them with the brightest beams available. Their two coats shone brightly, sending off an eerily beautiful glow that illuminated the small thicket they stood in. Their forms fairer then even the elves that dwelled in the kingdom nearby.
The mother's ears twitched as a twig cracked nearby. She stopped her feed and glanced around the clearing, as alert as a deer in the meadow. He head swiveled every way, glancing for some sign of another presence. After a quick and curious scan, she concluded that her and her daughter were still alone, therefore reaching down and gnawing at the grass once more.
Joe relaxed and quietly sat down, leaning his back against a tree. It didn't take long before the Evil Humans™ showed up and killed the mother. He smiled. This was better than Action Night with his friends at home—no films; this was live.
Unfortunately the foal gave more resistance than the mother and decided to go and kill various attackers (how it could be so strong already right after birth and being only half fed was a mystery) before someone came to rescue it. That someone was a golden-haired prince, a little younger here than when he went to join the Fellowship of the Ring, but Legolas nonetheless.
Her eyes, so deep and true. A color blue brighter then any he had ever seen. His heart immediately warmed up to the young foal, seeing her deadly situation. He reluctantly scooped her up and dashed towards the other side of the rock. The shadowy men began to circle around the rock the other way. He quickly headed towards the edge of the trees on the other side of the clearing, out of sight from the pursuers.
Joe didn't like this new turn of events. Now that Legolas had decided to rescue the stupid creature (and to actually like the creature) he had to keep up with the nimbly running Elf. He blessed the decision of taking Elven forms; in his normal form he'd soon have lost Legolas. Eventually the said prince of Mirkwood stopped and started to take care of the creature.
He quickly rebuilt the fire and gathered his flask. He flushed out the wound and was soon searching for a plant to help the wound heal. He fingered through a mass of weeds to find nothing. He searched under the boughs of the trees and in the hidden bracken. After his search, he had only found a small amount of KnitBlossom that would will the blood to slop flowing for an hour or so.
'Is KnitBlossom even an existing plant in any world?’ he wondered.
'How about we start with a charge list?'
Joe turned around. 'Mel! You're back!'
'You have my stuff,' was the only answer she gave. She looked horrible. Any Sue could run graciously and nimbly through a dark and thickly-grown forest in a long dress without so much as getting a scratch anywhere, but Mel had given up her right to be a Genuine Sue™, and wasn't allowed to use this power anymore. Thus she was covered in dirt, had scratches all over and her dress was torn in various places, leaving only very little of her unrevealed. Once again she wished that she was an ordinary Sue and had been killed. Anything but this undignified state of dress.
'Sexy outfit,' Joe commented.
She glared at him. 'Say more of it and I'll kill you. I swear I will.'
He shrugged. 'Whatever.' He sat down and watched as Legolas went on aiding the creature. Mel followed his lead and snatched her pack away from him, hoping to find some spare clothes in it. She pouted unhappily as she noticed that this was not the case. Joe looked at her and she made puppy eyes.
'Oh no. I will not let you use your powers just to fix that dress. You'll have to do with this.' He said.
She sent him a venomous glance. 'You're enjoying this too much. I'll get even with you, just you wait...'
He waved the comment away. 'I'm trying to find more charges. Be quiet.'
Her mouth fell open and she looked at him incredulously. She once was a Sue; nobody could resist her charms! Certainly not if she did the sad puppy face. And no one would say that they have better ways of spending their time than being around her. It sucked being an ex-Sue.
When he was done, he wondered what to do now. He sat on his knees, examining the young one from head to toe. Though in a weak and defeated state, her head was as elegant as the wings of a dragon and her legs long and ethereal. He thought she was beautiful. Not pretty, or lovely, but beautiful. She reminded him of his mother.
'She reminds him of his mother?! That is just sick!' Mel stuck her index finger into her throat to indicate how much she enjoyed the scene.
Slowly, the elf took the foal's head and place it on his lap, stroking her young neck. He whispered in soft tones to her, examining her deep eyes. He found himself ready to cry. It only took a short glance to realize that the pain she was in was much more the physical. Her eyes told of sorrow and misery. He felt a single tear roll down his soft cheek.
"It's safe now." He assured her kindly. "Those people will not harm you." He found that he couldn't find any words to console this newborn mare. He felt awkward crying in front of her as well. He had been there before, and he had survived, but he was older. He knew what life was about and why it was worth living, but this young colt didn't. Her first steps were in flight and her first calls were in agony and fear. It was so wrong for a newborn to come into this world in so much peril. "I am Legolas, and I will help you. You are safe by my bow and heart."
Then, he wept over her neck.
'Get me a mallet and allow me to whack the living snot out of them. Please. This is disgusting.' Mel decided that the story annoyed her to no end.
'So let me get this straight... the newborn unicorn reminds Legolas of his mother, but she died and thus he decides to cry and have a cuddle-fest with the unicorn. Makes sense.'
'For once I agree with you.'
The couple fell silent. Legolas and the unicorn (though it had no horn yet) fell asleep and slowly the fire died down.
'Legolas isn't supposed to sleep in the way humans do.'
'I know. Now be quiet Mel, you might wake them up with your nagging.'
'Shut up.'
They waited for the next day to come. Eventually Legolas and the creature woke up.
Legolas reached out and stroked the newborn's face, feeling her short fur and silky muzzle.
"You need a name." he said quietly, kneeling. He looked deep into the foal's wide eyes, twinkling even brighter now. A name... it was not an easy task. Her eyes and white coat definitely defined beautiful, along with her silver hooves and her strong build. Her name had to be as beautiful as her, if possible.
"Otrinity."
'Otrinity? What kind of name is that?' Joe looked disgusted.
'A godawful one. Now do you see why it is a crime?'
'Oh yes.' They watched Legolas get up and leave. "Otrinity", which was truly a godawful name for any kind of creature in any world, followed behind him.
Legolas had helped young animals before and they had followed him home. Twice Thranduil disagreed. He even had his captains take one of the creatures away while Legolas was asleep. Thranduil was not too fond of pets. He doesn't even enjoy horseback riding unless he has to. Legolas shuddered at the thought of what he would say when he brought a foal home.
As he made his way through the tangles of trees, he began to wonder how he was going to raise this young foal. He could feed her the Oxen milk from the maid house until she was able to graze. It shouldn't be much different then the milk her mother would have given her.
'Gah!' Mel exclaimed. 'Bad grammar! Bad story! Messing with Thranduil's character! Terrible switching of tenses! Make... it... stop...' being a former Sue, she had no trouble in acting melodramatic. But this time she had a very good reason.
'I don't think oxen milk even has the right nutritious value for a newborn foal. It should die from a lack of protein or something...' Joe scanned the Words in search of something like that happening.
'It won't happen. I can't believe she made Legolas so daft! Oh, the horror! And she ruined Thranduil!'
'Just be glad she isn't messing with pookie.'
'Stop that.'
'You forgot to nag about that maid house thing she just made into being... so what happens next?'
'Evil!Thranduil bitching to Legolas that he can't have a pet... do we want to be there?'
'No, but we have to.'
'Let's go then.' Mel didn't feel like having to walk through half of Mirkwood in her current state of dress and waited for Joe to open the portal. They stepped through. They could feel something heavy hanging in the air as they arrived. Something nasty. Something evil. Something called Mirkwood Kingdom the UnCanon.
They were soon on their way once more, crossing the final frontier to the Mirkwood kingdom. Soon, the two reached the edge of a large and vast clearing. Legolas grinned to see his home standing upon many others in it. There was a low wall surrounding it and a large gate with two elves standing guard. He passed inside the city with Otrinity shrinking close to his side. People waved to him kindly with a stunned yet caring glance at the newborn foal. Legolas would smile and wave back. Every now and then he would have to nudge Otrinity along when she would stop and stare up at the towers and thatched roofs.
'Since when have Thranduil's halls turned into a medieval city, complete with guards at the gate and all?' Mel was at a total loss of bitchy comments. 'The way I remember it, Thranduil had underground halls, in reverence to Menegroth where Thingol lived. The way I remember it, Thranduil needed no guards because a spell was on the gate and none could pass in or out without his leave. The way I remember it, the Wood-elves lived in small groups in various places in the forest. The way I remember it, there was no such thing as a city here...' she sank to the ground and started sobbing.
Joe patted her back. 'Now, now... it'll get better, really...'
She glared at him. 'No, it won't. It'll get worse, wait and see.' She got back up and they followed Legolas and Otrinity through the city.
Soon, Legolas and Otrinity were approaching the palace gate where a short stone bridge crossed a bubbling brook. They crossed and entered.
The walls stretched high, decorated with colorful tapestries and paintings. Ancient swords and helmets hung on some of the walls, along with portraits of elder kings and queens. Legolas rounded three corners before finally reaching the throne hall where his father normally spent most of his day. At the end of the long carpet that reached across the floor however, the king's chair sat empty.
'What kind of place is this?' Joe wondered.
'A castle. Decorated as though we're back in the Middle Ages, even though these are supposed to be Wood-elves who want to live as much in nature itself as possible. They would not build some kind of silly castle, and they wouldn't hang ancient swords and helms and such on the walls either.'
'And I doubt that Mirkwood had many previous kings and queens. In fact, I'm sure that Oropher was the only king before Thranduil.' Joe added.
'You didn't really expect that this author read anything of Tolkien's writing, or did you?'
'No, not really.'
Mel reread the words. She sniggered. 'A chair sitting empty... now that's an interesting one...'
"Legolas?" asked a voice. Legolas winced when he heard a hint of anger in it. He turned, seeing his father at the doorway.
He had gleaming white hair and long, crafting fingers that clutched the doorframe. His nose was long and straight, his face carved with few wrinkles that crumpled on his forehead.
'Didn't Tolkien say that Thranduil has golden hair?'
'Aren't Elves immortal and therefore they do not age?' Mel countered.
'The wrinkles and the long nose make him look ugly and evil.'
'Which was probably the idea.'
"Father." said Legolas appropriately, bowing slightly as well. Otrinity shivered at his side, fear creeping into her mind again.
His father entered the chamber, slowly, with his fists clenched at his sides. "And who is this?" he asked, his piercing gaze falling on Otrinity who hid behind Legolas's legs.
"Otrinity." answered Legolas calmly. "A foal from the forest. Her mother..." Legolas paused, seeing anger flare up in his father's eyes.
"You know how much I disagree to pets." He grumbled, standing now with his arms crossed.
"Yes sir, but-"
'Sir? Since when do Elves address to their fathers with "sir"?' Mel glared at Otrinity. 'The sooner we kill it, the better.'
"What makes this time any different?" Legolas paused, scrambling to think of what to say.
"Her mother was murdered in the woods, sir." He answered clumsily.
"So? All horses will die at a time." Thranduil's face looked so cold and uncaring. A long, faltering pause filled the air around them.
"I want to keep her." answered Legolas. "Because, because..." he felt stuck. Then it came to him. "Because she's so much like me."
Rage flared up in Thranduil's eyes as he said it. Otrinity shuddered at Legolas's side.
"Take it back." he growled. Then, he wheeled around and stormed out of the chamber.
Suddenly, Otrinity burst from Legolas's side, bolting past Thranduil, out of the palace and back into Mirkwood forest. Legolas could only stare after her.
'Too bad she returns,' Joe muttered. 'How much worse is this story going to get anyway?'
'You don't want to know. Really, you don't.'
Otrinity's heart felt almost as if it was going to burst. Her chest blazed with pain as she ran through the stone streets. She ignored the shocked gazes at her as she bolted around the buildings and the shocked elves that stood around her.
Her head was filled with thoughts. She had understood the words of the older one. How, she was unsure. She also had a strange feeling as soon as he had entered the room. Something like a chill that fingered her spine.
'A chill that fingered her spine?' Joe asked. 'Call me perverted, but that's giving me a couple of very disturbing mental pictures.'
Mel snickered. 'You, of all people...'
Joe decided to change the subject. 'Let's go to the point where Legolas meets the Evil Humans™.'
Mel shrugged. 'Sure.'
Legolas stumbled once more over a rut and gave a little cry as he stubbed his toe. He didn't pause, at least not until a different feeling entered him. Something like someone was touching him. Touching his back, but not on the skin, more like under it.
Somebody else was there.
He stopped immediately, gazing all around. His ears caught some talking between to people.
Men. he thought to himself. He turned behind him and squinted into the mist.
There, coming around the tree trunk, two tall dirty-looking men stepped. They couldn't see Legolas until they were upon him and an arrow was pointed at their chests.
"Who are you and why are you here?" asked Legolas, not faltering the least bit with his bow. One of the men put up both his hands.
"Easy now, mister elf." He said calmly. "I am Breraw and this is Helwar."
"What are you doing here?" Legolas repeated, now aiming his arrow slightly more towards the man talking. He had the darkest eyes Legolas had ever seen, and his gut told him that he brought mistrust and fear to the forest. The man hesitated before continuing.
'Bad punctuation bad grammar bad spelling one-line paragraphs and ridiculous names!' Mel said all at once.
Joe blinked. 'I think you missed some commas there.'
'I don't care.'
The conversation between Legolas and the men went on for a while and it became very obvious that they were some of the killers of Otrinity's mother. But the author had made Legolas incredibly daft, so when the men spoke of an "evil creature" he didn't think that these here evil-looking men were really the evil ones and meant the unicorn.
'Oh please.' Mel raised her hands toward the sky. 'This is so lame. How much longer is this going on anyway?'
'Roughly fifteen chapters,' Joe replied helpfully.
She looked crushed. It couldn't be true.
'I'm serious, Mel.'
'Is there anything we can skip?'
'Let's see... the "Hunters" find Otrinity, try to kill her, Legolas saves her yet again and kills one of the men, the men flee, five years pass, Otrinity becomes the town's merry-go-round...'
'You're joking.'
'See for yourself.'
Though at the beginning she was rather jittery around the elves, she never acted violent towards them. She even acted kind towards the youth, giving them short bareback rides and giving them occasional baths. Legolas was always at her side, lifting up children and handing them a towel after a short laugh.
'How does she manage to give them baths?' Mel asked.
'I don't want to know. Really, I don't.'
'It says here that Thranduil becomes less bitchy to Otrinity, but she always wins their staring contests. Puh-lease.' They portalled themselves to five years later.
Otrinity slept in the stables on most nights, or she would come up to Legolas's chamber (how was beyond the thoughts of the servants and guards) or Legolas would go sleep with her. They were never apart for long, their friendship stronger then the dwarf cities. Legolas was the only grown elf who could ride her unless he convinced Otrinity that they would not cause any harm. They never would have of course, but Otrinity was careful about who she trusted. She was kind to everyone of course, never glaring or threatening, although she didn't smile at everyone.
'Wait—the unicorn can climb stairs?' Joe asked.
'Of course.' Mel mocked the author and her lack of creativeness. Joe burst out in hysterical laughter. Then he stopped, and looked disgusted.
'He sleeps with her?!'
'No comment.' They followed Legolas and Otrinity as they went off into the forest.
Legolas and Otrinity then stumbled upon the reason. A large tree, as tall as the many around it, stood, bending over the stream. Legolas could see its swaying branches dipping in the waters, on them, a strange melting fruit that clung tightly to the branches. The water washed around it, soaking in its intriguing flavor. Legolas immediately filled his flask to the rim, grinning as it danced upon his tongue.
'Aha. The flask grins as it dances on Legolas' tongue. Makes sense.'
'This story makes no sense. Accept it.' Joe replied.
Suddenly, a sharp prick struck him. Again, it had come.
Again, they had come.
Nothing really interesting happened then. Legolas and Otrinity fled from the spot and went back to Mirkwood Kingdom the UnCanon. Legolas then somehow managed to get the mare into his bedroom without anyone noticing them passing by and they went to sleep. Seeing as Thranduil's spell wasn't on the gates in this universe, the Hunters could easily get in and beat Legolas to pulp, then abduct Otrinity and be off. Mel and Joe didn't even bother to count all the plot holes.
Of course the Hunters still managed to set part of the town and the stone castle on fire (how stone could be on fire was beyond both of the assassins), but luckily Elrond, Elladen the mini-Balrog and Elrohir arrived just in time to aid the wounded. What they were doing in Mirkwood was left unsaid. Not that it was very surprising, because the story was one big plot hole.
"Elladen" had just woken up Legolas, and Thranduil entered the room.
Thranduil gasped with relief, embracing Legolas before he even began to approach him. He took in a breath; the scent of his hair filled his chest.
'Here's a new one... the long-distance embrace. Embrace your son before you begin to approach him!'
Joe snickered. 'And the scent of his hair fills his chest. Apparently this race of Elves does not own lungs.'
'When are we going to kill the lot? Tell me it'll be soon...' Mel begged.
'Legolas is about to rescue Otrinity.'
Mel groaned. 'Again? Is there no end to this?'
The steed he rode wasn't nearly as good as Otrinity, and gave a bumpy ride that caused hiccups of pain to shoot up and down Legolas's arm whenever the path got to rough. They followed the dark trail made by the hunters that kidnapped Otrinity. His elvish locks where untidy and bobbed behind him as they weaved through the trees at full speed.
'Hiccups of pain shoot through his arms?' Joe's eyes grew big. 'This is painful...'
They watched the scene unfolding before them. One of the men had stuck his dagger deep into Otrinity's shoulder and was now slicing the throat open. But there came Legolas, rescuing her and carrying her away. Mel and Joe followed through the portal, blessing its invention.
Legolas didn't know how it happened, just that all the pain in his head and his arm had suddenly disappeared when he saw the dagger strike Otrinity's thigh, which now bled unceasingly over his forearm and hands. He didn't stop until the threats of Helwar had long faded behind him. He then set Otrinity down gently on the grass. Soon, he was pulling all his herbs out of his satchel and chewing them.
'I thought the author just said that she was stabbed in the shoulder, not the thigh?' Mel asked confusedly.
'Still looking for logic, eh?'
He busied himself with making a fire and finding water to boil as well as attempting to heal his foal. His friend.
Joe raised an eyebrow. 'Five years and she's still a foal? Amazing.'
Soon, a small flame was slowly boiling a pot of water and Otrinity's head was on Legolas's lap. Then, a sudden question hit him. How was he able to lift Otrinity before? Horses her size usually weighed perhaps three or four times more then him. Why was she so light? He stroked his Otrinity's neck, but was now questioning whether or not he should call her a horse anymore.
Eventually, they both fell asleep in the grass. Legolas awoke first, eyeing the sunrise on the east horizon. He could feel the slow, steady breath of Otrinity beneath him. He slowly lifted his head and stared down in amazement.
Otrinity's neck and thigh were fully healed. Legolas smiled and gently stroked her head. She stirred and woke, blinking in the bright morning light.
"Good Morning." Legolas said, grinning. As he stroked her head, something suddenly pricked at him. Curiously he examined his hand, which now had a long scratch on the palm. Then, he glanced at Otrinity's head.
There was a small sharp object pointing through the skin.
'Oh, why can't she just die already!' Mel called out in frustration. 'That's it. I don't care how many chapters of endless crimes against canon are going to follow, but I'm killing her. Now.'
Joe grabbed her arm as Mel stomped forward. 'It just got her horn. Be careful. Besides, we haven't gotten to the part where she's treated like a goddess yet. And the Hunters still have to set everything on fire...'
Mel sighed. 'Wish I'd been left in my story. Wish I were with Éomer...'
'I know. Now quiet. We have to get all the charges or Upstairs will complain.'
'Didn't she destroy canon enough already?'
'Yes, but—'
'No "buts", mister. I'm killing her. Period.' She turned to do as she had said. Legolas and Otrinity had gone back to Mirkwood Kingdom the UnCanon yet again. 'This is all your fault!'
They had to portal themselves back there because they had no idea how to get back on foot, nor did they feel like it. They'd skipped a few hours by Mel's request (actually, she had threatened to do some very nasty things to Joe if he didn't listen to her; it was very persuasive) and now it was night. The Hunters had set the stables on fire and Legolas had gone in to rescue Otrinity, who in her turn was busy rescuing Thranduil. Thranduil had been in there before the fire started, apparently to apologize to the unicorn. Needless to say, Legolas had to be rescued as well and Otrinity saved the day.
'Now can I go kill her?' Mel growled.
'Wait—we have to portal to another couple of years from now. They'll be attacked again, and the Hunters then abduct Legolas. You might want to take advantage of that—he won't be there to rescue her.'
'Good.'
The author, Joe and Mel skipped several years, and the Hunters abducted Legolas, although neither Joe nor Mel had figured out yet why the author would give the name "Hunters" to the Evil Humans™.
The night was one of the most hellish in Legolas's life. More times then he could remember he had fallen off his horse. The men around him would kick and yell until he remounted himself. There were welts and scabs on his legs for reasons he couldn't recall. The men would flank both sides of him, not warning him about low branches that soon had him leaning downward for the whole ride. He recalled one point when a man used a dagger to force him back onto his clumsy steed. He wasn't entirely sure where it cut him, just that there was a burning pain in his back.
He didn't notice the trees growing thinner and thinner as they went on, and the streams grew wider. The moon was hidden for the whole ride, either by the trees or by the shadow of the Earth. The stars were dim and insects swarmed in their thin light.
'Two things.' Mel glared at nothing in particular. 'One: how in Manwë's name can the earth have a shadow; and two: the stars are NEVER dim in Middle-earth. Varda made them. She made them bright, and they were the only things Morgoth could not mar. They were always there, bloody BRIGHT, for the Elves as a sign of hope.'
A pathetic dialogue followed in which Legolas was pushed down a cliff because he refused to tell where Otrinity was.
'I don't know, but I don't remember any cliffs being within a night's ride from Thranduil's halls...' Joe sighed and sank to the ground.
'Space-Time Distortion... as if she hadn't ruined canon enough already...' Mel sat down at the edge of the cliff and watched Legolas struggle. Otrinity could be there any moment to rescue him, and then she'd kill her. But first Legolas had to be rescued; they couldn't let a canon character die because they killed a creature too soon.
Otrinity suddenly skidded to a stop. Her eyes scanned the cliff wildly. It took a ten foot drop into the water. She wasn't sure why, but she found her self urging something to resurface there, to rise from the waters.
Please, she pleaded. Please, please come! Come!
Suddenly, as though by complete chance, Legolas bobbed up out of the water. His eyes were closed lightly, his lips dripped with the chilled water from the river. Otrinity stared for a moment then leapt into the water with all her might.
She tossed her head when she resurfaced, eyeing Legolas's head before her just before he sank into the river once more. Without even taking a breath, she was under the water once more. Her eyes strained to see her friend. She squinted through the water, finally spotting a shadow that was sinking deeper and deeper.
Although she was short of breath, she managed to push herself towards the shape, eyeing that it was Legolas. She swam deeper then floated up with Legolas being limply pushed on her back.
'Since when are horses and horse-like creatures able to swim? I learned that that's technically impossible... besides, without taking a breath before going down again, she should drown even if she could swim!' Joe shook his head sadly. They waited until Legolas regained consciousness, then Mel got up and coughed. Legolas and Otrinity looked in her direction.
She may have looked a bit messy, still in her ruined dress, but she was a virgin. Therefore when she sat down, Otrinity carefully walked in her direction, then lowered herself and laid her head into Mel's lap. Mel stroked the manes of the unicorn for a moment, thinking up all the charges and the best way to kill the creature. Legolas looked at her in wonder, but said nothing.
"There they are!" cried Helwar from upriver. Legolas took a quick glance over his shoulder to see him and many others galloping over the hill.
'Drat,' Mel muttered, 'I forgot about them...'
Legolas moved to flee, but Otrinity, lying calmly in Mel's lap, wasn't aware of the danger approaching. Not wanting to leave his friend behind, Legolas thus stayed and awaited that which was to come. It didn't take long for the hunters to approach. They grinned wickedly as they saw Legolas sitting fearfully on the ground. Their looks soon changed to wonder as they saw Mel and Otrinity sitting together, and, not sure about what to do they stopped and watched. Mel, enjoying the sudden attention, decided that this was the right time to act. She cleared her throat.
A smile spread across her face. 'Otrinity, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with—' Here she took a deep breath. '—causing severe personality alterations and character ruptures to both Legolas and Thranduil, for causing Thranduil to go bitching on his child, for altering Thranduil's looks and making him an old man even though Elves do not age to that point and therefore in a way changing the physiology of the Elven race, for changing the social conventions and structures of the Wood-elves by stuffing them all into a city at the location where Thranduil's halls are supposed to be, for altering everything about Thranduil's underground halls to the point of turning it into a bloody medieval city and making it entirely unrecognizable as what it used to be, for changing Legolas and Thranduil's known history by giving them many ancestors, for changing Mirkwood's known history by giving it many previous kings and queens when in fact only Oropher was king before Thranduil—' she took another deep breath, all the bystanders except Joe looking at her in utter oblivion. 'You have also been charged with being of a non-canonical race, a unicorn to be precise, for being a Cute Animal Friend, for changing Middle-earth's geography by making cliffs appear where there are none, for causing time compression and being able to travel through all of Mirkwood within a day, for use of bad biology and continuously healing miraculously when you were just supposed to bloody die, for use of bad physics by jumping into a river and then managing to swim—'
'Isn't that bad biology?' Joe asked.
'Do I look like I care?' Mel asked no one in particular. Everyone present shook their heads, though some more confusedly than others did. 'Aaaanyway. Furthermore you are charged with the use of bad plot devices and an apparent lack of plot, for employing dei ex machina over and over again, for displaying magical Mary Sue-like powers and in fact for being one, for mangling the English language with bad spelling, bad grammar, bad syntax and bad punctuation, for helping create more mini-Balrogs than Miss Cam can handle by continuously calling Elladan "Elladen", for having a godawful name and for giving all your original characters a terrible name, for employing sickening melodramatics, for annoying us to bloody Angband and beyond, for displaying extreme stupidity and for making canon characters act stupid, for claiming that this story is not a Mary Sue fic when in fact it is one, for causing plants to grow freely when they don't appear to be existing in any world and for writing fan fiction in the "books" section when you probably never even saw one of Tolkien's books from up close.' Mel gasped for air and started breathing normally again. 'You have the right to remain silent. Forever.' With that she grabbed the neck of the unicorn with both her hands and before anyone could interfere she broke the creature's neck.
'No!' Legolas sprang forth in agony to help his friend, but halfway through his leap he snapped back into canon and stopped. He stared at Mel in confusion. She smiled at him.
'It's all right dearie, you can go home now...' she said.
Legolas, not really knowing what else to do, took this advice and headed off into the forest, wondering why he was so darn wet. The men, if possible, were even more confused and started to scatter into small groups. Soon only Joe, Mel and the dead Otrinity were left.
'Nice move, Mel...' Joe said.
'What move?'
'The breaking-the-neck thing. Brilliant. Stabbing her wouldn't have had any effect, this was the only way...'
'I figured as much...'
'So what are we going to do with it?'
'Well, I like the horn, being magical and all... and it has a nice coat... that white-silvery thing would look fabulous on me. I say we take off the horn, skin the creature and dump its remains in the Dead Marshes. By the time Frodo gets there she'll have long since rotten away.'
'Fine. But it's your coat, so you skin it. You are filthy anyway. Here's your dagger.' Joe handed Mel the said item and she started skinning the creature. Several rather bloody hours later she had skinned it, cut off the horn, washed herself and the skin in the river (although washing herself still with half a dress on proved a little harder than she thought) and now she was waiting for Joe to drag the remains of the unicorn through the portal, the skinned corpse leaving some bloodstains on his clothes as well.
'Can we go back now? I'm cold...' Mel shivered as a cool breeze picked up. She'd brought no towels so she was completely soaked and quite miserable.
'Yup, all done.' Joe set the portal, picked up both his own gear and Mel's and then hopped through. Mel, holding the coat and the horn, quickly followed. She never thought she'd be so happy to be back at Headquarters. Nice and warm... she dumped the things she was holding on the table.
'I'll deal with that later. First, I'm taking a shower.' She walked to the door.
'Don't be too long... we'll probably have another alarm soon...'
'I don't care. I want to take a shower.' She left.
Joe put their gear on the table and sank into a chair, absentmindedly staring at Bormir's flames. Several minutes of silence followed, and then, confusedly, 'Why New York?'
~*~
[Elvea Aure’s Note: the author of this story is by far the most stupid author I have ever encountered. I quote from her author's note in the 20th chapter of the story: I'm not sure about which way is horizontal *blushes* but I do think it is up and down. Come on! She deserved this; the story was absolutely horrible. I feel your pain Bodldops... really, I do. *twitches* I read it all... it was terrible. Anyway. I appreciate the submission of bad fics; let me know if you find one. I'd like one directly involving Éomer so that Mel can go bananas.
Also I'd like to thank everyone who has read the first chapter and was kind enough to give me their opinion and to point out my silly slip-ups. Keep the feedback coming, I really appreciate it. Thanks!]
Light editing for grammar and punctuation has occurred as well as rendering “*pookie*” as “pookie” and fixing “Legolas regained conscience” to “Legolas regained consciousness.” Elvea’s original British-style quotation marking has been retained. This mission is rated roughly PG-13, due to Joe’s amorous flirting and the violence present in the badfic. Elvea’s note at the end contains author-bashing, which is no longer considered appropriate by the community at large.
The PPC and Luxury and Sean were created by Jay and Acacia, and the setting is written in with permission. The Department of Misplaced Flora and Fauna, and Agents Joe and Mel, were created by Elvea Aure, and the agents belong to her. The Middle-earth setting and everything in it belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. ”I’ll Be the One”, and the description of it quoted from the author’s page, belong to MoonBolt.
"I'll Be the One"
Original tagline: Mel and Joe argue like a married couple as they hunt down a unicorn. Yes, it's bad.
For you, Bodldops!
~*~
'You know, for an ex-Sue you don't look half bad in that black uniform.'
'Shut up Joe, it's not working.'
He let himself fall into one of the chairs. 'Damn.'
Mel sighed. She'd given up on him after their first mission and since then hadn't even so much as tried to correct him. He'd just be hopeless anyway. One week and several missions after they'd met, and already Mel wished that she was just another stupid Sue and, just like all the other stupid Sues, had been killed in some kind of poetic justice. Or maybe this was poetic justice. Not being killed, but being forced to kill things and attract annoying self-proclaimed "God's gift to women"s because of her Suvian beauty. That had to be it.
'Let's discuss that dinner again. You promised we'd go if the first mission worked out.'
'I never promised anything. I ran away.'
'In women's language that means the same.'
'Well this wasn't in Woman, but in Suvian. So bite me.'
He grinned. 'Finally you're getting sensible. Name the place, I'll do it.'
Mel let out a sigh of annoyance and raised her index finger. 'Excuse me. I must now be off and slam my head into the nearest solid object I can find.'
'That'd be the console.' Joe replied dryly. Mel maliciously glared at him, but walked to it and started crashing her head into it anyway.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Mel shrieked and jumped backwards. Joe sniggered. 'Now that is why you should never let a woman do a man's job. Women and technology don't work well together anyway.' He started pressing some buttons on the console.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
This time it was Mel's turn to snigger. 'But men can't do a man's job either...' She pushed Joe aside and pressed a large red button that read "mute". The beeping stopped abruptly. Only the flashing lights on the console still indicated that something was amiss. 'I'm beginning to suspect that Upstairs is trying to get us overworked...'
'Yeah, so that we can lie down and have a nice bit of relaxing together...'
Mel didn't look away from the screen as she replied. 'Could you do me a favor?'
'What will I get?'
'My eternal gratitude.'
'That sounds fair. What do you want me to do?' he grinned.
'Go to New York, see if I'm there and don't return until you've found me,' she said dryly.
'Ha ha. How very funny.'
'Always.'
'Oh, quiet you!' For the first time Joe actually seemed annoyed with her; she hadn't believed this to be possible aforetime.
Mel read the text rolling out of the printer. 'Oh goody. We've got ourselves a unicorn.'
Joe blinked, and took a look at the freshly printed-out Words. He shuddered, and started citing the author's comment on the story, as taken from her bio. 'This is the first fic that I actually have the entire plot for! *blushes* Anyway, it was firstly inspired by the song by the backstreet boys: I'll be the One. I just heard it on an old CD and I remembered how I used to make up story plots for Animé with it. Then, I thought what it would be like if I changed it from Animé to Lord of the Rings. So, the tale of Legolas and Otrinity began. I may make a sequel if u guys like it!'
'You had to rub it in, didn't you?' Mel glared at him.
'Shared suffering is only half the pain...'
'Go die somewhere. Shared suffering is double the pain.'
'I love you too.'
'Changing an Anime plot to LotR! Based on a song by the Backstreet Boys!' Mel wailed and looked more than quite miserable. 'Let's go kill it. No mercy.'
'I don't remember you ever showing any mercy in the first place...' Joe pointed out.
'Silence, mortal fool, don't point out plot holes in my master plan.'
Joe wisely ignored her. She'd still have her I-am-so-superior-and-high-and-cool-and-mighty-so-bow-before-me-mortal-fool moods at times, and he had learned that it was best to ignore her when she was like that. Being turned into a newt can be a very effective way of learning a lesson, really. The fact that she'd gotten away with it made him think that Upstairs really, really did not like him. Either that, or Upstairs didn't care. Or both.
'So, uh... what do you say we go after her and get her?' he carefully proposed.
'Didn't I just say that?'
'I don't know. I wasn't listening to you either.'
She glared at him. 'You're gonna be human on this mission. With a little luck Legolas mistakes you for one of the Hunters and accidentally kills you.'
'Ah, the virtues of invisibility...'
'I hate you.'
'Love and hate are only separated by a very thin line. Some even say that extreme hate is just suppressed love.'
'Go die.'
'So I take it we'll have dinner together next Saturday?' A large pack was thrown at his head.
'Bormir, you're staying here this time,' Mel said to the creature, getting a roar in return that sounded rather protesting. 'Be reasonable. If we'd take you with us, we'd have all of Mirkwood on fire in no time.'
'Actually, there is a fire somewhere during the fic.'
'Nobody asked you anything.'
'Why can't we be more like Sean and Lux from Bad Slash?'
'Because I don't want to be a nympho.'
'You, a nymphomaniac. Now that would be nice...'
Mel ignored the comment. 'Got everything?'
'Yes.'
'Good, because then we're leaving. I've decided that we're Elves this time.'
'Why not orcs? Or Uruk-hai? Or giant spiders?'
'Because I've never heard of Uruk-hai Sue, that's why. And I don't wish to be the first either.'
Joe shrugged. 'Whatever.'
Mel picked up her gear and opened the portal. 'Let's go.'
Joe, being in a mood where he could only shrug and think "whatever", got his pack and followed.
The first thing he noticed was that he felt lighter, stronger, swifter, wiser and, well... basically superior in physical capabilities to a human being. Imagine all the things he could do... oh yeah, he liked being an Elf. He looked at Mel. Not much had changed. Same Suvian beauty, same violent glare on her face... only her outfit had changed. No more black uniform, but one of those nice Elven dresses like Arwen used to wear.
'So that is what a Sue truly looks like...' he mused. She pretended not to hear him, and looked around.
The stars twinkled high in the black blanket of the night sky. The Misty Mountains stretched upward, reaching towards those ethereal heavens.
'Are there other heavens, then?' Mel commented. Joe didn't answer and let the Omniscient Author™ continue.
The snow atop them glistened in the moonlight.
'The snow atop what? The ethereal heavens?' Mel sniggered.
Beams of it shot down in large numbers, landing softly and calmly onto the grass beaded with evening dew.
'Beams of what? The snow?' she now wondered.
'You can't even let the author have one line without commenting, can you?' Joe asked in annoyance.
'Well I can't help it that the author writes in such an undefined way!' she replied indignantly.
'If you comment again after only one sentence, you have to go out with me.'
In the long jungle-green grass of Mirkwood Forest, a figure lay in the grass, breathing heavily.
Silence. Joe eagerly looked at Mel and waited for a comment. Nothing.
'Drat. Mel, did you even hear that she said jungle-green? Mirkwood isn't a jungle, right? Isn't that worth a comment?'
She didn't respond. Instead, she maliciously glared at the figure in the grass.
Her white coat gleamed with sleek straightness and a star-white mane lay on her trembling neck. Her stomach heaved and shook, her breath coming in raspy gasps. She snorted through her long, elegant snout. Her silver hooves kicked at the dirt, kicking it up in small clouds. A long, elegant horn was placed in the center of her forehead.
'Is that the one we have to kill?' Joe asked.
'Thank Upstairs, no. The author kills this one off herself.'
'Ah.'
The couple watched as the unicorn gave birth to another one. A newborn foal can easily get comments such as "aww, how cute...". But a newborn unicorn in Middle-earth, in the presence of a couple of very sadistic assassins will only get a reaction such as:
'Why'd she have to make the darn creatures breed?' Mel couldn't stop glaring at the two creatures.
The newborn shook her head, spraying droplets onto the grass which seemed to grow greener as the fluid hit them. Slowly, she put a hoof ahead of her and sniffed the ground. Her eyes fluttered open, exposing a lovely blue color that she shared with her mother. Her mane was long for a foal's and straight as well. She slowly made her way to her feet, her knees knocking together as she struggled to stay standing.
'How are we going to kill it?' Joe asked. 'Or rather, how are we going to make sure we can catch it and then how are we going to kill it?'
'Well, considering that this is a unicorn, the catching part shouldn't be hard. All I have to do is sit in the grass and wait for it to notice me. It'll come right away.'
'Aren't you supposed to be invisible?'
'Not if I decide that I'm no longer invisible.'
'Ah. And you think she'll be stupid enough to come eat out of your hand?'
'Oh yes.'
'Why?'
'Because when unicorns see a virgin they come to them out of instinct.' Mel watched as the foal drank.
Joe grinned. 'Aha! Now I know why you're so uptight! You're a virgin!'
Mel glared at him. 'I wouldn't have been if they hadn't dragged me out of my story so soon...'
'Let me guess. You were supposed to be Éomer's pookie...'
'Shut up.'
'It's funny though.'
'What?'
'Don't think I ever met a virgin before.' He smirked. 'That is, not one that stayed a virgin for long anyway.'
'Oh, spare me.' Mel stomped off. Joe could only grin as she went away—she had to come back again. He had the remote activator. Technically speaking, it was in her pack. But Mel was the kind of person that dropped it as soon as she was where she had to be, and usually forgot to pick it up again. So now the remote activator was in Joe's pack.
The moon rose above the two, blessing them with the brightest beams available. Their two coats shone brightly, sending off an eerily beautiful glow that illuminated the small thicket they stood in. Their forms fairer then even the elves that dwelled in the kingdom nearby.
The mother's ears twitched as a twig cracked nearby. She stopped her feed and glanced around the clearing, as alert as a deer in the meadow. He head swiveled every way, glancing for some sign of another presence. After a quick and curious scan, she concluded that her and her daughter were still alone, therefore reaching down and gnawing at the grass once more.
Joe relaxed and quietly sat down, leaning his back against a tree. It didn't take long before the Evil Humans™ showed up and killed the mother. He smiled. This was better than Action Night with his friends at home—no films; this was live.
Unfortunately the foal gave more resistance than the mother and decided to go and kill various attackers (how it could be so strong already right after birth and being only half fed was a mystery) before someone came to rescue it. That someone was a golden-haired prince, a little younger here than when he went to join the Fellowship of the Ring, but Legolas nonetheless.
Her eyes, so deep and true. A color blue brighter then any he had ever seen. His heart immediately warmed up to the young foal, seeing her deadly situation. He reluctantly scooped her up and dashed towards the other side of the rock. The shadowy men began to circle around the rock the other way. He quickly headed towards the edge of the trees on the other side of the clearing, out of sight from the pursuers.
Joe didn't like this new turn of events. Now that Legolas had decided to rescue the stupid creature (and to actually like the creature) he had to keep up with the nimbly running Elf. He blessed the decision of taking Elven forms; in his normal form he'd soon have lost Legolas. Eventually the said prince of Mirkwood stopped and started to take care of the creature.
He quickly rebuilt the fire and gathered his flask. He flushed out the wound and was soon searching for a plant to help the wound heal. He fingered through a mass of weeds to find nothing. He searched under the boughs of the trees and in the hidden bracken. After his search, he had only found a small amount of KnitBlossom that would will the blood to slop flowing for an hour or so.
'Is KnitBlossom even an existing plant in any world?’ he wondered.
'How about we start with a charge list?'
Joe turned around. 'Mel! You're back!'
'You have my stuff,' was the only answer she gave. She looked horrible. Any Sue could run graciously and nimbly through a dark and thickly-grown forest in a long dress without so much as getting a scratch anywhere, but Mel had given up her right to be a Genuine Sue™, and wasn't allowed to use this power anymore. Thus she was covered in dirt, had scratches all over and her dress was torn in various places, leaving only very little of her unrevealed. Once again she wished that she was an ordinary Sue and had been killed. Anything but this undignified state of dress.
'Sexy outfit,' Joe commented.
She glared at him. 'Say more of it and I'll kill you. I swear I will.'
He shrugged. 'Whatever.' He sat down and watched as Legolas went on aiding the creature. Mel followed his lead and snatched her pack away from him, hoping to find some spare clothes in it. She pouted unhappily as she noticed that this was not the case. Joe looked at her and she made puppy eyes.
'Oh no. I will not let you use your powers just to fix that dress. You'll have to do with this.' He said.
She sent him a venomous glance. 'You're enjoying this too much. I'll get even with you, just you wait...'
He waved the comment away. 'I'm trying to find more charges. Be quiet.'
Her mouth fell open and she looked at him incredulously. She once was a Sue; nobody could resist her charms! Certainly not if she did the sad puppy face. And no one would say that they have better ways of spending their time than being around her. It sucked being an ex-Sue.
When he was done, he wondered what to do now. He sat on his knees, examining the young one from head to toe. Though in a weak and defeated state, her head was as elegant as the wings of a dragon and her legs long and ethereal. He thought she was beautiful. Not pretty, or lovely, but beautiful. She reminded him of his mother.
'She reminds him of his mother?! That is just sick!' Mel stuck her index finger into her throat to indicate how much she enjoyed the scene.
Slowly, the elf took the foal's head and place it on his lap, stroking her young neck. He whispered in soft tones to her, examining her deep eyes. He found himself ready to cry. It only took a short glance to realize that the pain she was in was much more the physical. Her eyes told of sorrow and misery. He felt a single tear roll down his soft cheek.
"It's safe now." He assured her kindly. "Those people will not harm you." He found that he couldn't find any words to console this newborn mare. He felt awkward crying in front of her as well. He had been there before, and he had survived, but he was older. He knew what life was about and why it was worth living, but this young colt didn't. Her first steps were in flight and her first calls were in agony and fear. It was so wrong for a newborn to come into this world in so much peril. "I am Legolas, and I will help you. You are safe by my bow and heart."
Then, he wept over her neck.
'Get me a mallet and allow me to whack the living snot out of them. Please. This is disgusting.' Mel decided that the story annoyed her to no end.
'So let me get this straight... the newborn unicorn reminds Legolas of his mother, but she died and thus he decides to cry and have a cuddle-fest with the unicorn. Makes sense.'
'For once I agree with you.'
The couple fell silent. Legolas and the unicorn (though it had no horn yet) fell asleep and slowly the fire died down.
'Legolas isn't supposed to sleep in the way humans do.'
'I know. Now be quiet Mel, you might wake them up with your nagging.'
'Shut up.'
They waited for the next day to come. Eventually Legolas and the creature woke up.
Legolas reached out and stroked the newborn's face, feeling her short fur and silky muzzle.
"You need a name." he said quietly, kneeling. He looked deep into the foal's wide eyes, twinkling even brighter now. A name... it was not an easy task. Her eyes and white coat definitely defined beautiful, along with her silver hooves and her strong build. Her name had to be as beautiful as her, if possible.
"Otrinity."
'Otrinity? What kind of name is that?' Joe looked disgusted.
'A godawful one. Now do you see why it is a crime?'
'Oh yes.' They watched Legolas get up and leave. "Otrinity", which was truly a godawful name for any kind of creature in any world, followed behind him.
Legolas had helped young animals before and they had followed him home. Twice Thranduil disagreed. He even had his captains take one of the creatures away while Legolas was asleep. Thranduil was not too fond of pets. He doesn't even enjoy horseback riding unless he has to. Legolas shuddered at the thought of what he would say when he brought a foal home.
As he made his way through the tangles of trees, he began to wonder how he was going to raise this young foal. He could feed her the Oxen milk from the maid house until she was able to graze. It shouldn't be much different then the milk her mother would have given her.
'Gah!' Mel exclaimed. 'Bad grammar! Bad story! Messing with Thranduil's character! Terrible switching of tenses! Make... it... stop...' being a former Sue, she had no trouble in acting melodramatic. But this time she had a very good reason.
'I don't think oxen milk even has the right nutritious value for a newborn foal. It should die from a lack of protein or something...' Joe scanned the Words in search of something like that happening.
'It won't happen. I can't believe she made Legolas so daft! Oh, the horror! And she ruined Thranduil!'
'Just be glad she isn't messing with pookie.'
'Stop that.'
'You forgot to nag about that maid house thing she just made into being... so what happens next?'
'Evil!Thranduil bitching to Legolas that he can't have a pet... do we want to be there?'
'No, but we have to.'
'Let's go then.' Mel didn't feel like having to walk through half of Mirkwood in her current state of dress and waited for Joe to open the portal. They stepped through. They could feel something heavy hanging in the air as they arrived. Something nasty. Something evil. Something called Mirkwood Kingdom the UnCanon.
They were soon on their way once more, crossing the final frontier to the Mirkwood kingdom. Soon, the two reached the edge of a large and vast clearing. Legolas grinned to see his home standing upon many others in it. There was a low wall surrounding it and a large gate with two elves standing guard. He passed inside the city with Otrinity shrinking close to his side. People waved to him kindly with a stunned yet caring glance at the newborn foal. Legolas would smile and wave back. Every now and then he would have to nudge Otrinity along when she would stop and stare up at the towers and thatched roofs.
'Since when have Thranduil's halls turned into a medieval city, complete with guards at the gate and all?' Mel was at a total loss of bitchy comments. 'The way I remember it, Thranduil had underground halls, in reverence to Menegroth where Thingol lived. The way I remember it, Thranduil needed no guards because a spell was on the gate and none could pass in or out without his leave. The way I remember it, the Wood-elves lived in small groups in various places in the forest. The way I remember it, there was no such thing as a city here...' she sank to the ground and started sobbing.
Joe patted her back. 'Now, now... it'll get better, really...'
She glared at him. 'No, it won't. It'll get worse, wait and see.' She got back up and they followed Legolas and Otrinity through the city.
Soon, Legolas and Otrinity were approaching the palace gate where a short stone bridge crossed a bubbling brook. They crossed and entered.
The walls stretched high, decorated with colorful tapestries and paintings. Ancient swords and helmets hung on some of the walls, along with portraits of elder kings and queens. Legolas rounded three corners before finally reaching the throne hall where his father normally spent most of his day. At the end of the long carpet that reached across the floor however, the king's chair sat empty.
'What kind of place is this?' Joe wondered.
'A castle. Decorated as though we're back in the Middle Ages, even though these are supposed to be Wood-elves who want to live as much in nature itself as possible. They would not build some kind of silly castle, and they wouldn't hang ancient swords and helms and such on the walls either.'
'And I doubt that Mirkwood had many previous kings and queens. In fact, I'm sure that Oropher was the only king before Thranduil.' Joe added.
'You didn't really expect that this author read anything of Tolkien's writing, or did you?'
'No, not really.'
Mel reread the words. She sniggered. 'A chair sitting empty... now that's an interesting one...'
"Legolas?" asked a voice. Legolas winced when he heard a hint of anger in it. He turned, seeing his father at the doorway.
He had gleaming white hair and long, crafting fingers that clutched the doorframe. His nose was long and straight, his face carved with few wrinkles that crumpled on his forehead.
'Didn't Tolkien say that Thranduil has golden hair?'
'Aren't Elves immortal and therefore they do not age?' Mel countered.
'The wrinkles and the long nose make him look ugly and evil.'
'Which was probably the idea.'
"Father." said Legolas appropriately, bowing slightly as well. Otrinity shivered at his side, fear creeping into her mind again.
His father entered the chamber, slowly, with his fists clenched at his sides. "And who is this?" he asked, his piercing gaze falling on Otrinity who hid behind Legolas's legs.
"Otrinity." answered Legolas calmly. "A foal from the forest. Her mother..." Legolas paused, seeing anger flare up in his father's eyes.
"You know how much I disagree to pets." He grumbled, standing now with his arms crossed.
"Yes sir, but-"
'Sir? Since when do Elves address to their fathers with "sir"?' Mel glared at Otrinity. 'The sooner we kill it, the better.'
"What makes this time any different?" Legolas paused, scrambling to think of what to say.
"Her mother was murdered in the woods, sir." He answered clumsily.
"So? All horses will die at a time." Thranduil's face looked so cold and uncaring. A long, faltering pause filled the air around them.
"I want to keep her." answered Legolas. "Because, because..." he felt stuck. Then it came to him. "Because she's so much like me."
Rage flared up in Thranduil's eyes as he said it. Otrinity shuddered at Legolas's side.
"Take it back." he growled. Then, he wheeled around and stormed out of the chamber.
Suddenly, Otrinity burst from Legolas's side, bolting past Thranduil, out of the palace and back into Mirkwood forest. Legolas could only stare after her.
'Too bad she returns,' Joe muttered. 'How much worse is this story going to get anyway?'
'You don't want to know. Really, you don't.'
Otrinity's heart felt almost as if it was going to burst. Her chest blazed with pain as she ran through the stone streets. She ignored the shocked gazes at her as she bolted around the buildings and the shocked elves that stood around her.
Her head was filled with thoughts. She had understood the words of the older one. How, she was unsure. She also had a strange feeling as soon as he had entered the room. Something like a chill that fingered her spine.
'A chill that fingered her spine?' Joe asked. 'Call me perverted, but that's giving me a couple of very disturbing mental pictures.'
Mel snickered. 'You, of all people...'
Joe decided to change the subject. 'Let's go to the point where Legolas meets the Evil Humans™.'
Mel shrugged. 'Sure.'
Legolas stumbled once more over a rut and gave a little cry as he stubbed his toe. He didn't pause, at least not until a different feeling entered him. Something like someone was touching him. Touching his back, but not on the skin, more like under it.
Somebody else was there.
He stopped immediately, gazing all around. His ears caught some talking between to people.
Men. he thought to himself. He turned behind him and squinted into the mist.
There, coming around the tree trunk, two tall dirty-looking men stepped. They couldn't see Legolas until they were upon him and an arrow was pointed at their chests.
"Who are you and why are you here?" asked Legolas, not faltering the least bit with his bow. One of the men put up both his hands.
"Easy now, mister elf." He said calmly. "I am Breraw and this is Helwar."
"What are you doing here?" Legolas repeated, now aiming his arrow slightly more towards the man talking. He had the darkest eyes Legolas had ever seen, and his gut told him that he brought mistrust and fear to the forest. The man hesitated before continuing.
'Bad punctuation bad grammar bad spelling one-line paragraphs and ridiculous names!' Mel said all at once.
Joe blinked. 'I think you missed some commas there.'
'I don't care.'
The conversation between Legolas and the men went on for a while and it became very obvious that they were some of the killers of Otrinity's mother. But the author had made Legolas incredibly daft, so when the men spoke of an "evil creature" he didn't think that these here evil-looking men were really the evil ones and meant the unicorn.
'Oh please.' Mel raised her hands toward the sky. 'This is so lame. How much longer is this going on anyway?'
'Roughly fifteen chapters,' Joe replied helpfully.
She looked crushed. It couldn't be true.
'I'm serious, Mel.'
'Is there anything we can skip?'
'Let's see... the "Hunters" find Otrinity, try to kill her, Legolas saves her yet again and kills one of the men, the men flee, five years pass, Otrinity becomes the town's merry-go-round...'
'You're joking.'
'See for yourself.'
Though at the beginning she was rather jittery around the elves, she never acted violent towards them. She even acted kind towards the youth, giving them short bareback rides and giving them occasional baths. Legolas was always at her side, lifting up children and handing them a towel after a short laugh.
'How does she manage to give them baths?' Mel asked.
'I don't want to know. Really, I don't.'
'It says here that Thranduil becomes less bitchy to Otrinity, but she always wins their staring contests. Puh-lease.' They portalled themselves to five years later.
Otrinity slept in the stables on most nights, or she would come up to Legolas's chamber (how was beyond the thoughts of the servants and guards) or Legolas would go sleep with her. They were never apart for long, their friendship stronger then the dwarf cities. Legolas was the only grown elf who could ride her unless he convinced Otrinity that they would not cause any harm. They never would have of course, but Otrinity was careful about who she trusted. She was kind to everyone of course, never glaring or threatening, although she didn't smile at everyone.
'Wait—the unicorn can climb stairs?' Joe asked.
'Of course.' Mel mocked the author and her lack of creativeness. Joe burst out in hysterical laughter. Then he stopped, and looked disgusted.
'He sleeps with her?!'
'No comment.' They followed Legolas and Otrinity as they went off into the forest.
Legolas and Otrinity then stumbled upon the reason. A large tree, as tall as the many around it, stood, bending over the stream. Legolas could see its swaying branches dipping in the waters, on them, a strange melting fruit that clung tightly to the branches. The water washed around it, soaking in its intriguing flavor. Legolas immediately filled his flask to the rim, grinning as it danced upon his tongue.
'Aha. The flask grins as it dances on Legolas' tongue. Makes sense.'
'This story makes no sense. Accept it.' Joe replied.
Suddenly, a sharp prick struck him. Again, it had come.
Again, they had come.
Nothing really interesting happened then. Legolas and Otrinity fled from the spot and went back to Mirkwood Kingdom the UnCanon. Legolas then somehow managed to get the mare into his bedroom without anyone noticing them passing by and they went to sleep. Seeing as Thranduil's spell wasn't on the gates in this universe, the Hunters could easily get in and beat Legolas to pulp, then abduct Otrinity and be off. Mel and Joe didn't even bother to count all the plot holes.
Of course the Hunters still managed to set part of the town and the stone castle on fire (how stone could be on fire was beyond both of the assassins), but luckily Elrond, Elladen the mini-Balrog and Elrohir arrived just in time to aid the wounded. What they were doing in Mirkwood was left unsaid. Not that it was very surprising, because the story was one big plot hole.
"Elladen" had just woken up Legolas, and Thranduil entered the room.
Thranduil gasped with relief, embracing Legolas before he even began to approach him. He took in a breath; the scent of his hair filled his chest.
'Here's a new one... the long-distance embrace. Embrace your son before you begin to approach him!'
Joe snickered. 'And the scent of his hair fills his chest. Apparently this race of Elves does not own lungs.'
'When are we going to kill the lot? Tell me it'll be soon...' Mel begged.
'Legolas is about to rescue Otrinity.'
Mel groaned. 'Again? Is there no end to this?'
The steed he rode wasn't nearly as good as Otrinity, and gave a bumpy ride that caused hiccups of pain to shoot up and down Legolas's arm whenever the path got to rough. They followed the dark trail made by the hunters that kidnapped Otrinity. His elvish locks where untidy and bobbed behind him as they weaved through the trees at full speed.
'Hiccups of pain shoot through his arms?' Joe's eyes grew big. 'This is painful...'
They watched the scene unfolding before them. One of the men had stuck his dagger deep into Otrinity's shoulder and was now slicing the throat open. But there came Legolas, rescuing her and carrying her away. Mel and Joe followed through the portal, blessing its invention.
Legolas didn't know how it happened, just that all the pain in his head and his arm had suddenly disappeared when he saw the dagger strike Otrinity's thigh, which now bled unceasingly over his forearm and hands. He didn't stop until the threats of Helwar had long faded behind him. He then set Otrinity down gently on the grass. Soon, he was pulling all his herbs out of his satchel and chewing them.
'I thought the author just said that she was stabbed in the shoulder, not the thigh?' Mel asked confusedly.
'Still looking for logic, eh?'
He busied himself with making a fire and finding water to boil as well as attempting to heal his foal. His friend.
Joe raised an eyebrow. 'Five years and she's still a foal? Amazing.'
Soon, a small flame was slowly boiling a pot of water and Otrinity's head was on Legolas's lap. Then, a sudden question hit him. How was he able to lift Otrinity before? Horses her size usually weighed perhaps three or four times more then him. Why was she so light? He stroked his Otrinity's neck, but was now questioning whether or not he should call her a horse anymore.
Eventually, they both fell asleep in the grass. Legolas awoke first, eyeing the sunrise on the east horizon. He could feel the slow, steady breath of Otrinity beneath him. He slowly lifted his head and stared down in amazement.
Otrinity's neck and thigh were fully healed. Legolas smiled and gently stroked her head. She stirred and woke, blinking in the bright morning light.
"Good Morning." Legolas said, grinning. As he stroked her head, something suddenly pricked at him. Curiously he examined his hand, which now had a long scratch on the palm. Then, he glanced at Otrinity's head.
There was a small sharp object pointing through the skin.
'Oh, why can't she just die already!' Mel called out in frustration. 'That's it. I don't care how many chapters of endless crimes against canon are going to follow, but I'm killing her. Now.'
Joe grabbed her arm as Mel stomped forward. 'It just got her horn. Be careful. Besides, we haven't gotten to the part where she's treated like a goddess yet. And the Hunters still have to set everything on fire...'
Mel sighed. 'Wish I'd been left in my story. Wish I were with Éomer...'
'I know. Now quiet. We have to get all the charges or Upstairs will complain.'
'Didn't she destroy canon enough already?'
'Yes, but—'
'No "buts", mister. I'm killing her. Period.' She turned to do as she had said. Legolas and Otrinity had gone back to Mirkwood Kingdom the UnCanon yet again. 'This is all your fault!'
They had to portal themselves back there because they had no idea how to get back on foot, nor did they feel like it. They'd skipped a few hours by Mel's request (actually, she had threatened to do some very nasty things to Joe if he didn't listen to her; it was very persuasive) and now it was night. The Hunters had set the stables on fire and Legolas had gone in to rescue Otrinity, who in her turn was busy rescuing Thranduil. Thranduil had been in there before the fire started, apparently to apologize to the unicorn. Needless to say, Legolas had to be rescued as well and Otrinity saved the day.
'Now can I go kill her?' Mel growled.
'Wait—we have to portal to another couple of years from now. They'll be attacked again, and the Hunters then abduct Legolas. You might want to take advantage of that—he won't be there to rescue her.'
'Good.'
The author, Joe and Mel skipped several years, and the Hunters abducted Legolas, although neither Joe nor Mel had figured out yet why the author would give the name "Hunters" to the Evil Humans™.
The night was one of the most hellish in Legolas's life. More times then he could remember he had fallen off his horse. The men around him would kick and yell until he remounted himself. There were welts and scabs on his legs for reasons he couldn't recall. The men would flank both sides of him, not warning him about low branches that soon had him leaning downward for the whole ride. He recalled one point when a man used a dagger to force him back onto his clumsy steed. He wasn't entirely sure where it cut him, just that there was a burning pain in his back.
He didn't notice the trees growing thinner and thinner as they went on, and the streams grew wider. The moon was hidden for the whole ride, either by the trees or by the shadow of the Earth. The stars were dim and insects swarmed in their thin light.
'Two things.' Mel glared at nothing in particular. 'One: how in Manwë's name can the earth have a shadow; and two: the stars are NEVER dim in Middle-earth. Varda made them. She made them bright, and they were the only things Morgoth could not mar. They were always there, bloody BRIGHT, for the Elves as a sign of hope.'
A pathetic dialogue followed in which Legolas was pushed down a cliff because he refused to tell where Otrinity was.
'I don't know, but I don't remember any cliffs being within a night's ride from Thranduil's halls...' Joe sighed and sank to the ground.
'Space-Time Distortion... as if she hadn't ruined canon enough already...' Mel sat down at the edge of the cliff and watched Legolas struggle. Otrinity could be there any moment to rescue him, and then she'd kill her. But first Legolas had to be rescued; they couldn't let a canon character die because they killed a creature too soon.
Otrinity suddenly skidded to a stop. Her eyes scanned the cliff wildly. It took a ten foot drop into the water. She wasn't sure why, but she found her self urging something to resurface there, to rise from the waters.
Please, she pleaded. Please, please come! Come!
Suddenly, as though by complete chance, Legolas bobbed up out of the water. His eyes were closed lightly, his lips dripped with the chilled water from the river. Otrinity stared for a moment then leapt into the water with all her might.
She tossed her head when she resurfaced, eyeing Legolas's head before her just before he sank into the river once more. Without even taking a breath, she was under the water once more. Her eyes strained to see her friend. She squinted through the water, finally spotting a shadow that was sinking deeper and deeper.
Although she was short of breath, she managed to push herself towards the shape, eyeing that it was Legolas. She swam deeper then floated up with Legolas being limply pushed on her back.
'Since when are horses and horse-like creatures able to swim? I learned that that's technically impossible... besides, without taking a breath before going down again, she should drown even if she could swim!' Joe shook his head sadly. They waited until Legolas regained consciousness, then Mel got up and coughed. Legolas and Otrinity looked in her direction.
She may have looked a bit messy, still in her ruined dress, but she was a virgin. Therefore when she sat down, Otrinity carefully walked in her direction, then lowered herself and laid her head into Mel's lap. Mel stroked the manes of the unicorn for a moment, thinking up all the charges and the best way to kill the creature. Legolas looked at her in wonder, but said nothing.
"There they are!" cried Helwar from upriver. Legolas took a quick glance over his shoulder to see him and many others galloping over the hill.
'Drat,' Mel muttered, 'I forgot about them...'
Legolas moved to flee, but Otrinity, lying calmly in Mel's lap, wasn't aware of the danger approaching. Not wanting to leave his friend behind, Legolas thus stayed and awaited that which was to come. It didn't take long for the hunters to approach. They grinned wickedly as they saw Legolas sitting fearfully on the ground. Their looks soon changed to wonder as they saw Mel and Otrinity sitting together, and, not sure about what to do they stopped and watched. Mel, enjoying the sudden attention, decided that this was the right time to act. She cleared her throat.
A smile spread across her face. 'Otrinity, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with—' Here she took a deep breath. '—causing severe personality alterations and character ruptures to both Legolas and Thranduil, for causing Thranduil to go bitching on his child, for altering Thranduil's looks and making him an old man even though Elves do not age to that point and therefore in a way changing the physiology of the Elven race, for changing the social conventions and structures of the Wood-elves by stuffing them all into a city at the location where Thranduil's halls are supposed to be, for altering everything about Thranduil's underground halls to the point of turning it into a bloody medieval city and making it entirely unrecognizable as what it used to be, for changing Legolas and Thranduil's known history by giving them many ancestors, for changing Mirkwood's known history by giving it many previous kings and queens when in fact only Oropher was king before Thranduil—' she took another deep breath, all the bystanders except Joe looking at her in utter oblivion. 'You have also been charged with being of a non-canonical race, a unicorn to be precise, for being a Cute Animal Friend, for changing Middle-earth's geography by making cliffs appear where there are none, for causing time compression and being able to travel through all of Mirkwood within a day, for use of bad biology and continuously healing miraculously when you were just supposed to bloody die, for use of bad physics by jumping into a river and then managing to swim—'
'Isn't that bad biology?' Joe asked.
'Do I look like I care?' Mel asked no one in particular. Everyone present shook their heads, though some more confusedly than others did. 'Aaaanyway. Furthermore you are charged with the use of bad plot devices and an apparent lack of plot, for employing dei ex machina over and over again, for displaying magical Mary Sue-like powers and in fact for being one, for mangling the English language with bad spelling, bad grammar, bad syntax and bad punctuation, for helping create more mini-Balrogs than Miss Cam can handle by continuously calling Elladan "Elladen", for having a godawful name and for giving all your original characters a terrible name, for employing sickening melodramatics, for annoying us to bloody Angband and beyond, for displaying extreme stupidity and for making canon characters act stupid, for claiming that this story is not a Mary Sue fic when in fact it is one, for causing plants to grow freely when they don't appear to be existing in any world and for writing fan fiction in the "books" section when you probably never even saw one of Tolkien's books from up close.' Mel gasped for air and started breathing normally again. 'You have the right to remain silent. Forever.' With that she grabbed the neck of the unicorn with both her hands and before anyone could interfere she broke the creature's neck.
'No!' Legolas sprang forth in agony to help his friend, but halfway through his leap he snapped back into canon and stopped. He stared at Mel in confusion. She smiled at him.
'It's all right dearie, you can go home now...' she said.
Legolas, not really knowing what else to do, took this advice and headed off into the forest, wondering why he was so darn wet. The men, if possible, were even more confused and started to scatter into small groups. Soon only Joe, Mel and the dead Otrinity were left.
'Nice move, Mel...' Joe said.
'What move?'
'The breaking-the-neck thing. Brilliant. Stabbing her wouldn't have had any effect, this was the only way...'
'I figured as much...'
'So what are we going to do with it?'
'Well, I like the horn, being magical and all... and it has a nice coat... that white-silvery thing would look fabulous on me. I say we take off the horn, skin the creature and dump its remains in the Dead Marshes. By the time Frodo gets there she'll have long since rotten away.'
'Fine. But it's your coat, so you skin it. You are filthy anyway. Here's your dagger.' Joe handed Mel the said item and she started skinning the creature. Several rather bloody hours later she had skinned it, cut off the horn, washed herself and the skin in the river (although washing herself still with half a dress on proved a little harder than she thought) and now she was waiting for Joe to drag the remains of the unicorn through the portal, the skinned corpse leaving some bloodstains on his clothes as well.
'Can we go back now? I'm cold...' Mel shivered as a cool breeze picked up. She'd brought no towels so she was completely soaked and quite miserable.
'Yup, all done.' Joe set the portal, picked up both his own gear and Mel's and then hopped through. Mel, holding the coat and the horn, quickly followed. She never thought she'd be so happy to be back at Headquarters. Nice and warm... she dumped the things she was holding on the table.
'I'll deal with that later. First, I'm taking a shower.' She walked to the door.
'Don't be too long... we'll probably have another alarm soon...'
'I don't care. I want to take a shower.' She left.
Joe put their gear on the table and sank into a chair, absentmindedly staring at Bormir's flames. Several minutes of silence followed, and then, confusedly, 'Why New York?'
~*~
[Elvea Aure’s Note: the author of this story is by far the most stupid author I have ever encountered. I quote from her author's note in the 20th chapter of the story: I'm not sure about which way is horizontal *blushes* but I do think it is up and down. Come on! She deserved this; the story was absolutely horrible. I feel your pain Bodldops... really, I do. *twitches* I read it all... it was terrible. Anyway. I appreciate the submission of bad fics; let me know if you find one. I'd like one directly involving Éomer so that Mel can go bananas.
Also I'd like to thank everyone who has read the first chapter and was kind enough to give me their opinion and to point out my silly slip-ups. Keep the feedback coming, I really appreciate it. Thanks!]