Vyctori: "The Official Fanfiction University of Rekka no Ken"

[ppcofuarchive]

Archivist's Note: The "Official Fanfiction University of Rekka no Ken" was originally written by Vyctori Skye Windheart and posted on fanfiction.net. It seems to have been deleted after the Pit instated its policy against reader-interactive fics, and was never re-uploaded or continued. The following fragments were found on these message boards, and primarily comprise incomplete fragments and unbeta'd drafts. Because most of them were explicitly marked as drafts, they have not been edited. With the original story gone, dates can't be exact, but the discussion lasted from March to September in 2004.

While the main chapters were written by Vyctori, they feature characters based on some of her readers at the time. Some of these fans (as well as Vyctori herself) had cameos in Echo Kazul's PPC spin-off. A section at the bottom contains short works intended for a now-missing chapter of OFURNK, written by some of these fans; they will be credited in that section. Author Notes were written by Vyctori unless labeled otherwise. Fire Emblem belongs to Nintendo's Intelligent Systems.

See also Traek's "Official Mini-Dragon University of Rekka no Ken."

This is probably rated about PG, due to mild violence and use of the term "porn."

"Official Fanfiction University of Rekka no Ken"
by Vyctori

Chapter 1

Author Note: Well, if any of you have looked at the Fire Emblem section of ff.net, you'd have noticed what a sorry state it's in. Being a Fire Emblem fanatic *points at member title*, I thought I should do something!

So, I, Vyctori Skye Windheart am proud to present--the Official Fanfiction University of Rekka no Ken! (Permission from Miss Cam pending--the application's in the mail.) Archivist Note: Vyctori did eventually receive direct permission from Miss Cam. I've already managed to write the introductory chapter...and collect--let's see--twenty-eight minis in two nights' worth of searching. So, below is the first chapter and the minis I have so far!

Bunny flung the door to her house wide enough to bang against the wall and to start to close again. She stomped up the stairs and entered her room, dumping her knapsack on the floor with a tremendous thump.

“Nice of you to say hello!” her father yelled up the stairs sarcastically.

Bunny rolled her eyes. “Hi, Dad.”

Parents, she thought in disgust, rolling her eyes. She punched the “on” button of her computer almost hard enough to send it straight through to the other side. Maybe a little fanfic writing would cheer her up.

Bringing up a new document, she began to type.

It wasa brite sunny day in Sacea. just aftwer nergal wass defeeted. Guy was riding acros the planes. I wish mathew as here he thout. I miss him. Theres somthing special about him, tho i dont know waht.

Then he saw mathew waving at him in tehdistence. Guy rode jp, feeling a strang feeling in his chestt when when he saw teh hott (HE IS!!!!!) theif. . . .

Mmm, that’s good, Bunny thought in satisfaction. This ought to get her lots of reviews. She couldn’t understand why she didn’t get more. All her friends told her she was a brilliant author, after all.

“Bunny, you had better be doing your homework up there!” her father demanded.

“Yeah, sure.”

. . . “U remembr teh favours taht you sed youd do 4 me when i fed u? Mathew said. His eyes lookd strange 2 guy. “well, i want 2 claim 1 now.” He leend in and started 2 kiss guy right on teh lips.

Maybe I should put some music on; it’ll be easier to ignore him, Bunny mused. She stood up from her chair and popped a Brittany Spears CD into her stereo. Turning it up until it was not quite loud enough for her parents to complain, she went back to work.

“Let’s see . . . where did I leave off?” Her eyes flicked across the screen. “Oh yes! I was just about to start the lemon!”

“Somehow, I don’t think so,” an unknown voice informed her casually.

Bunny’s head shot up so fast she pulled a muscle in her neck. There, leaning comfortably against her doorframe, was Matthew. Beside him was Guy, who was looking around her room with interest.

Bunny stared so hard she felt like her eyeballs were just about ready to pop out of their sockets. Then she rubbed them with the heels of her hands. That’s it! I’m going to bed early tonight—two o’clock and I’m off the computer, she vowed.

She looked up again. The pair was still waiting patiently for her to say something.

“Uh . . . what are you doing here?” she croaked rather foolishly.

“Glad you asked.” Matthew stepped forward with a smile. “We are here on behalf of the Official Fanfiction University of Rekka no Ken.”

“The what?” Bunny managed.

“The Official—oh, what’s the point?” Matthew snorted. “Guy, go turn off that racket, will you? It’s hard to think, let alone talk, when that’s going on.”

“Sure thing!” The Sacaen hopped over Bunny’s knapsack and turned the knob all the way to the right.

All of a sudden, the room was filled to bursting with the loud refrain of Brittany’s latest hit.

“Augh!” Guy clapped both hands over his ears.

“Turn it off! Turn it off!” Matthew bellowed, cringing. Loud thumps from the floor below accompanied his pleas.

Bunny reached over and yanked the stereo cord out of the wall. Blessed silence fell.

“Bunny, what are you doing up there?” her mother hollered.

“Sorry! My CD player, uh, malfunctioned!” she called back.

Matthew held his hand to his forehead. “Let’s start again. We don’t need to introduce ourselves, obviously.”

“We’re here to tell you that you are currently violating the laws of fanfiction,” Guy put in helpfully.

“What are you talking about?” Bunny gaped at him.

“In order to be allowed to continue writing stories for Fire Emblem Seven, you must enrol in the Official Fanfiction University of Rekka no Ken and pass its courses. Provided you graduate, you’ll be granted a license. Okay so far?” Matthew asked.

“What do you mean, Fire Emblem Seven? There’s only one Fire Emblem game!” Bunny told him. “Everyone knows that!”

“Looks like we have a lot of work to do, huh, Matthew?” Guy remarked to his partner with a sigh.

Matthew pinched the bridge of his nose before continuing. “All we need you to do is fill out these forms.” He tossed a sheaf of papers into her lap. “Be as exact as you can, please. And don’t forget to pack—you’ll need enough supplies to last an entire school year. While some necessary items can be purchased upon arriving, it’s a good idea to plan ahead. Any questions?”

“Yeah . . . do you think you and Guy could make out? Right now? Please?” Bunny begged, trying not to salivate all over her keyboard.

Matthew snorted in disgust and didn’t even bother to reply. “That reminds me. . . . Move, will you?” The thief leaned over and firmly took the mouse from Bunny’s grasp. “Let’s see. Close—and I don’t want to save the changes, thank you very much!”

“Wait! That’s mine! You can’t do that!” Bunny wailed, seeing her new fic disappear.

“Want to bet?” Matthew grinned. His contented expression rapidly disappeared as he got a good look at the wallpaper Bunny was currently using.

“Whoa. It’s a good thing Eliwood and Hector aren’t here,” Guy commented, wincing. “It has to be embarrassing to have some fangirl drooling over that every time she turns on her computer.”

“Looks like this has to go, too.” Matthew deleted the wallpaper with a malicious expression on his face.

“No! My friend drew that for me as a gift!” she wailed.

“Then her tablet ought to be confiscated,” Matthew retorted. “And her imagination should be given a good spring cleaning.” To be doubly sure, he emptied her recycle bin.

Guy cocked his head for a moment before looking to his partner. “Hey, Matthew, Lord Athos says he’s going to teleport us back now. You ready?”

“More than.” Matthew gave Bunny a cheery wave. “See you soon!”

And with those words, the swordsman and thief vanished without a sound. Bunny spent a few more moments gawking at where they had been before shaking her head.

“I’ve really got to get more sleep. That must have been a hallucination. That’s it—a hallucination,” she said to herself in a futile attempt to convince herself that nothing had happened.

She looked at the monitor of her computer. The background was a boring blue. “It must’ve just been a glitch that got rid of my lovely wallpaper.” Bunny pouted. “Ah well.” She brought up another graphic picture, this time of Kent and Sain. “Much better. Now, to try again.”

However, she only managed to type Eliwood’s name before. . . .

“What? ‘This computer has performed an illegal operation and will shut down’? What a ripoff!” Annoyed, she closed down her computer and rebooted it, only to have the same thing happen. She tried three more times before giving up and turning off her computer for good.

Frustrated, she stared about her room. Now what could she do? Homework was definitely out of the question, and with her computer on the fritz. . . . Her gaze fell on the papers that Matthew had tossed in her lap.

Maybe I’m still hallucinating, she thought, unable to find a way to explain away the papers’ existence. Well, it can’t hurt to go along with things.

And, grabbing a pencil from the floor, Bunny began to write. . . .

Name: Beth Thomas (or “Bunny”)

Penname: childofdestany21

Age (does not have to be a specific number): 16

Sex: Female

Hair Colour:

Eye Colour:

Bunny thought for a moment, fingering her short brown hair. She looked so ordinary. Why couldn’t she look just like her original character in her most recent Eliwood/Tactician romance? This was just a joke, anyway.

Filling out “midnight black” for hair colour, and “violet” for eye colour, Bunny continued.

Any distinguishing features:

She looked down at her flat chest. If she was going to look like her tactician, she might as well add on everything! She scribbled in “v. lg chest” and kept writing.

Class (examples: cavalier, monk, etc.):

Oh, now this was going to be good! Bunny thought.

“Let’s see . . . how about a Paladin Sage?” Bunny giggled. This was so much fun—for being a hallucination, she rapidly reminded herself.

Affinity: Fire

Five pairings you support: Matthew/Guy, Eliwood/Hector, Eliwood/Tactician, Lyn/Hector, Serra/Lucius

Favourite character: Eliwood

Least favourite character: Marcus

Do you have a lust object? Yes.

If so, who? Eliwood

Are you good, evil, or neutral? Neutral

Do you know what a Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu is? No. . . .

If yes, then do you write them? Whatever it is, no!

Any additional comments (be brief): ELIWOOD IS SOOOO HOTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By signing below, you, the future student, agree that the Official Fanfiction University of Rekka No Ken (hereafter known as OFURNK) is not liable for any damage, mental, physical, or emotional, caused during your stay at OFURNK. By writing this in such small print, we are guaranteeing that you will not read this and will likely skip down and sign below just to get this over with. Heck, you are likely already either writing another tactician Mary-Sue or lusting after the poor character of your choice, or both. So, why don’t we just make this easy on everyone?

By signing in the space provided, you agree to everything written above.

X_____________

Bunny skipped over the big block of text after reading the first few legal words and just signed her name. The print was so small! Reading it was such a waste of time, anyway, when she could be thinking about Eliwood . . . or Eliwood and Hector . . . or Eliwood and her. . . .

“Bunny! Supper!” her father hollered.

Bunny dropped her pencil on the papers and trudged downstairs for her evening meal, completely forgetting about what she had just written.

For a few breaths, the room was silent. Then an eerie wind picked up. The form Bunny had filled out rose into the air and gusted about before disappearing. A woman’s voice cackled evilly, and then all was still.

* * *

The next morning, Bunny was woken by an unpleasant draft on her feet. Shivering, she thought, maybe my blanket got twisted about in the night. She opened her eyes a crack. What she saw caused her eyelids to fly open.

Bunny was in a small room made mostly of stone. There was a faded tapestry on the wall and a thick rug on the floor, and her double bed had become a small, wooden single. There was a rough desk and a few chairs arranged off to one side of the chamber, as well as a dresser near the bed.

“What the?” Bunny gasped. Had she been kidnapped?

Noticing a window in the corner, she got out of bed and walked over to it. A corner of her mind realised that there was no glass in the stone frame, but that part was quickly overridden.

Bunny took a good look outside. In the distance was a grassy plain, and even farther away was a hazy grey mountain range. But what she saw in the courtyard a floor below was what concerned her the most. There, she saw Kent and Sain practicing their horseback lance fighting right before her very eyes.

The ensuing scream that was lifted from her throat caused the furniture to rattle, the two paladins to stop their training in mid-charge, and a flock of startled birds to take flight, swooping away and crying in irritation.

fragment of Chapter 2 draft

Author Note: I've started working on Chapter Two...here's a sample (still rather rough around the edges):

“This has to be a dream. It just has to be.” Bunny had been repeating the same two sentences for the last several minutes, and no matter how many times she said it, she still was . . . wherever she was.

She walked away from the window, in a daze. Without her noticing, her foot caught under the rug on the floor. She tripped and fell flat on her face.

“Ouch!” Bunny rolled onto her side and half sat up, rubbing her nose. Well, that certainly hurt enough, she thought. So maybe that means . . . that all of this is . . . real!

“Whoohoo!” Bunny suddenly shrieked in excitement. “I can’t believe my good luck! Now I can go meet Eliwood! Oh, this has to be too good to be true!”

Right on cue, there was a sharp rapping on her door. Bunny leaped to her feet, visions of Eliwood prancing through her head, and flung the door wide. There, standing in the door was . . . a rather short, slender, pink-haired woman with a single freckle placed below and to the side of her mouth.

“L-Leila?” Bunny stuttered. “But you—you’re supposed to be—”

The thief cut her off. “Well, I’m not. I’m here to ‘welcome’ you to the Official Fanfiction University of Rekka no Ken, fangirl.” Her lips twisted slightly.

“So that wasn’t a hallucination last night, after all!” Bunny exclaimed.

Leila rolled her eyes. “St. Elimine, grant me patience. No, this isn’t just some bizarre dream; it’s really happening to you. I’m not going to explain everything to you—the assembly I’m supposed to be telling you about should cover everything. It’s in ten minutes in Castle Caelin’s main hall, by the way.”

“Assembly? Castle Caelin’s main hall? How do I get to it and will Eliwood be there?” Bunny queried.

“You’ll find it.” Leila ignored the second part of the last question and turned to leave. She walked a few steps before halting and facing Bunny once more. “By the way . . . you wouldn’t happen to be Bunny, would you?”

“Yes, I am!” Bunny’s eyebrows shot upwards. “How did you know?”

“Your one-track mind gave you away. Now, listen. I don’t like the porn you write about Guy and especially Matthew.”

“It’s not porn!” Bunny protested furiously. “It’s art!”

“It’s porn the way you write it. Matthew and I have become quite close, having worked for the same noble house, among other things. Let me tell you, if I so much as hear a whisper of you writing such garbage ever again,” —Leila flicked her wrists in a way that Bunny couldn’t quite catch— “I will personally make sure you regret it—but not for long.”

Bunny swallowed hard as she stared at the very shiny, very pointy daggers that had somehow appeared in Leila’s hands. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. I’m glad we had this discussion.” Leila returned her daggers to their hiding place in an equally fast movement and sauntered off casually.

Bunny stared after her, eyes very round. Then, thoughts of a certain redheaded lord inevitably crept into her head. . . . “The assembly!” She glanced down at her pyjama-clad body. “And I’m not even dressed!”

She raced through her room, searching for suitable clothes. Someone had packed them away in the dresser. Grabbing whatever came beneath her hands first, she tossed the clothes on without being too particular. Since there wasn’t a mirror in the room, she didn’t bother applying makeup, and simply yanked her fingers through her hair before sprinting out the door, skidding through the hall in sock feet.

It was a real pity Bunny hadn’t stopped to look at herself more closely. Had she done so, she would have noticed some very interesting things about her appearance. . . .

* * *

mid-chapter post: course list

I had been working out a few bugs with naming the courses earlier, and then I kinda...forgot...to post the teacher list. It is as follows!

Creating a Believable OC—Eliwood
Mary-Sues and Gary-Stues—The Bane of an Author’s Existence—Lyn
The Basic Mechanics of the English Language—Ephidel
Keeping a Character in Character—Nils
Tactician/Main Character Romances: For the Advanced ONLY—Eliwood and Lyn
Humour—Guy
Romance (sub-course—Lemons and Limes and When NOT to Use Them)—Sain and Kent
Angst—Harken
Description—Durban (Hanon, Hartmut, Barigan, Elimine as guest teachers)
Historical Accuracy—Canas
Evil is as Evil Does—Nergal
Overall Accuracy—Farina
AU and Semi-AU fics: For the Moderately Advanced—Geitz
Script Format versus Novel Format—Linus
Original Ideas, AKA Off the Very Well Beaten Path—Erk
Real-life Tactics—Pent (Kent, Uther as guest teachers)
Why Canon is a Very Good Thing—Hector (special section on marriage—Pent, Louise, Canas)
Physical Education—Vaida and Wallace
Geography, or, Why it is not a matter of a few hours to travel from country to country—Fiora
Fanfiction Etiquette—Matthew
Action/Adventure—Dart

I'm also going to be having courses on the various classes (e.g. thief, cavalier, etc.), so the Sues and Stues can see that it is NOT a matter of glancing at a book for two seconds and then being able to cast Forblaze. happy.gif The testiest Fire Emblem characters I can find get to teach things. Like, Vaida teaches the wyvern classes instead of Heath.

Chapter 4 draft

Author Note: Double post, I know, but I've written Chapter Four of OFURNK, and I want to pass it by you lot first. I introduced all of us staff members, and I wanted to be sure nobody took issue with the way I portrayed them. I'd be pretty sure I have everyone down pat, but still...!

Heath wearily trudged into the staff common room, which was, for the most part, deserted. He flopped himself down on a couch, sighed deeply, and announced to the air around him, “All of my hair is going to go completely white this year if the past three days have been any indication. Those students are impossible!”

Kent moved from a chair near the fireplace and joined him. “You think you have it rough? I have to make sure Sain doesn’t do anything stupid with the women and dodge my own fangirls as well.”

Heath winced sympathetically. “I don’t envy your job, that’s for certain.”

“That reminds me. I need to talk to Miss V. Have you seen her?” Kent asked.

“Right here!” Miss V walked into the chamber with a book tucked under her arm. “What is it you need to see me about?”

“Well, um . . . it’s about the class I’m teaching tomorrow with Sain.” Kent seemed unhappy at the thought. “You see, I was wondering. . . .” He whispered the rest in Miss V’s ear.

Miss V listened for a moment. Then she grinned. “Of course, Kent,” she agreed once he was finished. “That’s not a problem at all. It’s all for a good cause.” She walked over and claimed one of the fireside seats.

“Thank you very much,” Kent said with feeling, returning to sit next to Heath, all the better to commiserate with the wyvern lord.

For a while, all was still. Then in walked a young woman with her blond hair held back with a blue scrunchy. In her arms was a mini-dragon.

“Oh, hello, Miss Kazul.” Miss V looked up from her book. “How are you and Irk doing in the hospital wing?”

Irk the mini-dragon gave a toothy smirk. Miss Kazul wore a similar expression.

“Oh, quite well. Irk and I are quite busy; these students seem to be a particularly persistent—and stupid—bunch. Aren’t they, Irk? Yes they are! Yes they are!” Miss Kazul cuddled the mini-dragon close for a moment.

Miss V smiled and shook her head. Irk and Miss Kazul were practically inseparable. The two reigned supreme in the university’s hospital wing, and even though they were supposed to be devoted to getting the students on their feet and back to daily life as soon as possible, it didn’t mean they couldn’t have a little fun at the same time.

“Yes, but had Justinian chosen not to. . . .” A fragment of an argument floated in ahead as Ephidel, Limstella, and Yo-san of OFURNK’s library entered. The two morphs sat on another couch and continued their disagreement over the history of the Byzantine Empire while Yo-san found a nearby seat and happily dove into a thick book entitled The First Three Thousand Years.

Miss V continued her reading, ignoring the quiet hum of conversation until she felt a tug on her pant leg. She looked down to see her personal mini, Elliwood, holding a platform shoe proudly in his teeth.

“Catch another fangirl trying to sneak into the staff section? Or was a it a glomp attempt?” she inquired, amused.

Elliwood nodded firmly at the second question, spat the shoe in Miss V’s lap, and then curled up by the fire.

“For me? You shouldn’t have.” Miss V grinned and set the shoe aside.

“Another prize? Our student trophy room is going to be quite full by the end of the year,” a male voice commented.

“Hello, milord Faction. Yes, the minis seem to be quite enthusiastic about bringing back whatever bits and pieces they can. One of our first items was a mostly-intact drawing of a half-naked Eliwood, bagged by Lucias.” Miss V shook her head. “Needless to say, our Eliwood was most unimpressed. Really, there should be a fanart university, from what I’ve seen from our students so far.”

“Have things been very busy for you, Lord Faction?” Nino asked. She was seated on a rug and playing tug-of-war with Floraina, using a piece of old fabric. The mini playfully pulled hard on the fabric, sending Nino sprawling forward with a soft squeal.

The teen looked disgusted. “No. I haven’t had a single victim yet.”

“Give it time,” Miss V suggested. “Once classes start tomorrow and Miss Jen is given free reign, they’ll be just streaming in to have their head read.”

“Little do they know that their friendly neighbourhood psychiatrist is going to wind up damaging them even more.” Lord Faction smirked and started perusing a novel entitled Psychology as a Weapon.

“I do believe I heard my name,” Miss Jen remarked as she entered the staff room, trailed by Lucious.

“That you did. Sit down and talk to me about business. I’m sure it shall be most entertaining.” Miss V gave an impressive cackle.

Miss Jen matched it. “I don’t know about you, but you picked some pretty wimpy students. The few I’ve had a chance to work with don’t seem to be very durable. Why, even looking at my assistant caused one of them to faint, and she wasn’t even one of his fangirls.”

The two women took a look at where Karel was calmly polishing a few bloodstains off the Wo Dao.

“Well, okay, so he did inflict a few injuries as well, but they weren’t in too dreadfully important areas,” Miss Jen admitted. “You said to hold back because classes hadn’t started yet, so I wound up having to stop him.”

“Something I found most displeasing,” Karel’s soft voice added as he continued to rub blood from the blade. “The feeling of my sword sliding into that girl’s flesh was one I had missed during our preparation for the students’ arrival.”

“Tomorrow you can do whatever you like with them,” Miss V promised.

Karel’s lips curved into a small smile. It was his only answer, but it was more than enough.

“Miss V!” an impressive voice cried. The door to the common room was flung open and slammed against the wall. There, framed in the doorway, was the fearsome figure of Nergal.

“What?” Miss V inquired, sounding bored.

“What’s this I hear about being forbidden to steal the quintessence of staff members?” Nergal demanded, striding in as his cloak swirled around him.

“Stealing the quintessence from the staff members would not do at all. We need all the power we can to hold back the students, and trying to find a substitute at the last moment for a class is simply out of the question. Therefore, the matter is closed.” Miss V returned to her book.

Nergal fumed for a few moments before deciding that further arguments would be completely futile. He then found a dark corner and proceeded to ignore everyone.

“V, I’m a little worried about one of our minis,” a short, blue-haired knight remarked after a few moments.

“Which one, Roland?” Miss V wanted to know.

“Nergerl,” the legendary founder of Lycia answered. “It seems a little confused about its gender, poor thing.”

“Somewhat like the man whose name it mostly shares.” Ephidel snickered quietly.

“I heard that!” Nergal snapped from his corner. “You’re one of my minions—you’re supposed to treat me with the respect I deserve!”

“I am,” Ephidel shot back. “After what you did to me, I would think that I no longer count as one of your people, Nergal.”

“Now, now. . . .” Yo-san nervously broke in. “No fighting, please!”

“Yes, or I’ll never get this book finished,” Miss V agreed. “This is probably going to be the last time I’m going to be able to sit down and read for more than five minutes at a time.”

Looking around the room, Miss V watched the cast from Rekka no Ken and the additional staff members for the most part quietly pursue their own activities. It was a peaceful tableau, but the assistant headmaster had the feeling that it was but the calm before the storm. . . .

Author Note: Ta-da! This is still my rough copy, by the way.

Chapter 7 Draft

Author Note: Even though I updated Chapter 6 of OFURNK last night, I'm posting Chapter 7 right now, because I have two staff cameos (Echo and Yoshimi) and I want to make sure I got everyone down right. This isn't my final draft yet, but it should be pretty much in its final form. Oh yes, credit goes to Yoshimi for coming up with Echo's new nickname! ^^; And the recipe Echo uses is all hers (can't claim credit for EVERY bit of twistedness in this chapter).

The first thing Bunny was noticed was pain. Lots and lots of pain. As well as feeling strangely as though her cells had been rearranged. After a while, she mustered the willpower to open her eyes.

Ouch. Not good. Even eyelids hurt to move, Bunny inwardly moaned.

She looked about, trying to only move her eyes. She was in a bright candle-lit room with several rows of beds filled with student. All were injured at least as badly as she was.

“Where am I?” she croaked.

A cheerful-looking woman hurried up to her bedside. “Oh, so you’re finally awake! I’m Miss Kazul, and Irk and I” —she gestured at the mini-dragon who had bounded up to the bed—“run the hospital wing around here.”

“But how did I get here?” Bunny questioned.

“You died,” Miss Kazul replied matter-of-factly.

“What?”

“Whenever students in the university get in a situation where they would ordinarily be killed, they simply regenerate in the hospital wing, where Irk and I get to treat them!” A smile that was bordering on a smirk appeared on both Miss Kazul’s and Irk’s faces.

Bunny gaped at the pair for a few minutes before mustering the courage to ask, “Uh . . . how exactly did I, um, die?”

“Oh, you wandered into Osita,” Miss Kazul answered. “You were attacked by Hecotr with Amrads, Hecytor with Armands, Ulther with Basilkos, and . . . who else? Oh yes, Hecxtor with Nosferato.”

“What?” Bunny shook her head, trying to make sense of the last sentence. Big mistake. The room seemed to spin several times before settling into place again.

“Well, little Hecxtor got bored with axes, and decided to try his hand—or rather, paw—at elder magic instead. Anyway, you got tackled and fell all the way down the stairs. Observers gave you ten points for your takeoff, though the landing was a little less than graceful. Irk, stop trying to eat her.” The mini was biting Bunny’s fingers. “We’re supposed to make them feel better, remember? Once they’re out of this room, though, they’re fair game. Which reminds me. . . .”

Miss Kazul walked over to a nearby table and picked up a wooden cup and a dark bottle. She poured a good measure of a thick, goopy liquid and then handed the cup to Bunny.

“What is this stuff?” Bunny leaned as far away from the concoction as she could.

“It’s to help you get back on your feet. Drink it all down, now!” Miss Kazul ordered happily.

“Okay. . . .” How bad could it be? Bunny wondered. She downed the medicine in one gulp. And her taste buds instantly self-destructed. “Augh! Augh! Auuugh!” she shrieked, clawing at her throat.

Miss Kazul was definitely smirking now. “That’s my all-purpose remedy—liquefied dill pickles, diced worms, blueberry yoghurt, ketchup, and crushed pineapple! Now I have to go tend to the other students. See you around, Bunny!” And she hurried off, with Irk following. He turned around once to stick out his tongue at Bunny before going on to harass another patient.

Bunny sat back in her bed, gasping for a few moments, before summoning the will to set foot outside her bed. She didn’t want to stay in this torture-chamber of a hospital for a single second longer than she absolutely had to.

Bunny began creaking her way to the door, before someone hailed her.

“Hey, there, Thomas.”

Bunny almost didn’t turn—she rarely used her last name. Then she saw a blond teen approaching from the side. “Um, should I know you?”

He grinned. “Nah, I just remember you from Romance class. You’re a little—unforgettable. I’m Semaj Fallen, by the way. How’d you wind up in the clutches of the Cheerful Poisoner, anyway?”

“Cheerful . . . Poisoner?” Bunny asked.

Semaj jerked a thumb at where Miss Kazul was preparing another deadly “remedy.”

“Oh. Nice nickname.” Bunny grinned. “Who thought of it?”

“I’m not quite sure,” Semaj admitted. “I think it was one of the Malus twins.”

“I haven’t met them yet . . . what are they like?”

“Words fail me, Thomas, when it comes to those two.” Semaj’s voice was wry. “You’ll just have to find out for yourself when you meet them. They make even you look normal, I can tell you!” Before Bunny could protest the slur on her appearance, he went on. “So, to ask again: how’d you get here, anyway?”

“I walked into Osita,” Bunny explained.

“Ooh. Pain. Myself, I was following Florina around, except she didn’t like that, and so she took off on her pegasus. Then, when I was hanging around, waiting for her to land, she did—right on top of me.”

“Ouch,” Bunny remarked sympathetically. “Anyway, I’m going to go—I have a project to work on—so I’ll see you around.”

“Later, Thomas.” Semaj waved.

Bunny staggered slowly to the exit and was about to open it when the door swung open suddenly. She crashed to the ground, aggravating all her bruises once again.

Isadora rushed in without even noticing her error. “Miss Kazul, you had better come quickly!”

“What is it, Isadora?” Miss Kazul asked.

“Muliebris Malus removed her cloak because Yuki was complaining too loudly about Nergal, and. . . .”

Miss Kazul sighed. “Say no more. Irk!” she called; the mini-dragon left off from where he was terrorizing a patient to scurry to her side. “I don’t suppose you could hold down the fort for a bit, so to speak?”

“Not a problem, Miss Kazul.” Isadora unsheathed her sword. “They’ll behave like little angels when I’m around, or I’ll know the reason why.”

“That’s the spirit!” The head of the hospital wing smiled happily. “See you soon!”

Bunny pulled herself to her feet and left the infirmary. Then she groaned when she realised that it was located in one of the turrets.

All those stairs! she thought in disgust. Oh well, at least I’m going down. . . .

* * *

After supper, Bunny decided that she had better get a start on her homework. She never did it when she was at home on Earth, but she had a feeling that the teachers here would be a little less lenient.

Reviewing her mental work list, Bunny decided the best place to start would be the library. Once she asked a student for directions—she didn’t want to chance a teacher—she headed off.

Warier now that she had died once, Bunny made sure she didn’t land on any mini-territories. After a bit of a walk, she arrived at an open doorway. Next to it, a wooden sign was propped up upon which a long numbered list was carefully painted.

“No lusting. No hentai. No fangirlism or fanboyism. No damaging the books,” Bunny read aloud. She skipped down to the end and read the last few. “No Nergals. No Sonias. No Serras. What the heck?”

She shrugged and entered. A desk was set up just inside, and seated behind it was an old man with a long flowing beard wearing a brown cloak.

“Hello there,” he greeted her. “I’m Yo-san, the librarian. I don’t believe I’ve seen you around before; is there anything I can help you with?”

“Um, no thanks. I think I’m good.” Bunny walked off and began to scan the shelves for books on apostrophes.

Some time later, when she had found what she needed, she sat down at a table and started to write. The clicking of claws on stone interrupted her thoughts, however. She looked up to see a small blond-haired boy tossing fruit from a bowl for a mini-dragon to catch.

“Hi there!” Bunny smiled. “Are you one of the students? You seem awful young.”

The boy beamed back, green eyes shining. “Nope! I’m Yo-san.”

“Sure you are, kid,” Bunny replied. “I’m surprised you and that mini-dragon are getting along so well, though. I didn’t think those things liked anybody.”

“Oh, that’s because she’s one of my helpers. This is Limestella, by the way,” the child introduced.

“Would you mind playing elsewhere, kid?” Bunny requested. “It’s kind of distracting.”

“Okay! Come on, Limestella!” The boy picked up the bowl of fruit and he moved to another area of the library, Limestella following.

Bunny struggled on with her report on apostrophes for about half an hour before she was interrupted again. This time, a soft voice asked, “How’s the report coming?”

Bunny looked up into slanted brown eyes. Their owner had black hair that fell just to his ears and was wearing a green Japanese-style top and wide, white pants. He appeared to be in his late twenties and was quite good-looking.

“Who are you?” Bunny questioned.

The man smiled. “I’m Yo-san.”

“Now wait just a minute!” Bunny burst out. “In the last hour, I’ve had three people tell me they were Yo-san! You can’t all be him!”

“Actually, I am. It’s because I’m indescribable. Occasionally, I’ll take on a solid form to make things easier on the students, though,” Yo-san explained.

“What do you mean, indescribable?” Bunny demanded.

“Describe me.”

“Okay, easy. You have brown—blue—greenish-grey—yellow. . . .” Bunny’s voice trailed off as she failed to even pin down his eye colour. “Uh, I think I see what you mean.”

Yo-san nodded. “Anyway, if you need me for anything, just look around. If you want to be sure it’s me, just try the description trick.” He wandered off.

For a while, Bunny stared after him, before remembering her work. However, fate just didn’t seem to want her assignment to be done, as loud shouting at the entrance to the library drew her attention. She got up from her seat and went to watch.

“Erk Erk Erky-Erk! Wait for me!” Serra chirped as she chased the sage through the hall.

“You must be out of your mind!” Erk dove through the library’s door and lay on the floor, panting.

Serra pouted. “Aw, Erk, why’d you have to do that? It’s not fair!” She put a hand to the air in the doorway; her fingers met with resistance. Apparently, Serra couldn’t enter the library.

Bunny remembered the sign outside the door to the library. One of the rules had been No Serras.

Wow, she thought. That would be a handy spell to have. Ha! No Leighas. Wouldn’t that be a great way to get back at her Eliwood-hating roommate?

Erk stood up and brushed himself off. “Finally . . . safe.”

“Erk!” Coedote squealed from one of the study tables. “It’s Erk!”

“Why me?” Erk asked the ceiling. He glanced at Serra outside the library and the fangirls within. He made a Bolting-quick decision and raced off towards the back of the room.

The chase was brief. Fangirls hot on his heels, Erk dashed up to a small chess table where Limstella and Ephidel were in the middle of a game and dove beneath.

The fangirls tore up, but halted when Ephidel spoke.

“I’m really enjoying this chess game. Aren’t you, Limstella?”

“Yes, Ephidel, I am. I would be most displeased if someone happened to dive for their lust object and upset our chess pieces.”

“So would I. In fact, I might be tempted to retaliate.”

“Funny, that. I feel the same way.”

Both morphs looked up at the fangirls, yellow eyes glittering. Both were holding Fimbulvetr books.

The fangirls’ self-preservation instincts kicked in, and they wisely decided to disperse. All except for one. Her hormones getting the better of her, she lunged—and was hit by two simultaneous Fimbulvetr attacks. There she remained, in mid-glomp, frozen perfectly solid.

“Ack,” was Bunny’s only comment on the situation.

Author Note: Anyone recognise the third of Yo-san's disguises? ^^; And does anyone know the official names for the Japanese costume (like Kenshin's outfit)? I believe the bottom is called a hakama, but I'm not sure about the top.

Excerpt of Chapter (possibly 11) Draft

Author Note: Well, I thought that since I won't be putting up OFURNK's most recent update for a few days, I'd post the (rough version of the) chapter here for the staff's enjoyment. It's the setup for our little outing...you'll see what I mean at the end.

This is Miss Jen's introduction chapter, so if you have any objections, let me know, okay? ^^;

I had SOOO much fun with the chapter! Hope you all derive at least a portion of said enjoyment from it!

“Psst!” Micheal, or Jedi SSJ, poked Bunny. “Here!” He held out a small scrap of paper.

Bunny, sick to death of copying notes on punctuation for Ephidel’s class, took it readily. Opening it, she read the following:

They’re installing a staff sauna and hot tub at OFURNK! Pass this along!

Sauna . . . hot tub. . . . Bunny went slackjawed at the thought. I can sneak in and watch the bishies bathe! Mmmm. . . .

It took her a few moments to recollect herself enough to obey the note’s command and hand it to Amarys, the next seat over.

Within a few moments, Ephidel turned from writing on the front slate about semicolon usage. “Give that note here or I shall cast Fimbulvetr on the lot of you.”

Nervously, Adeleine Rênu, who had possibly the most disliked last name in the entire university for its difficulty to write, dropped the note into Ephidel’s outstretched hand. He scanned the note and raised one thin black eyebrow.

“I see,” was all he said.

“So, is it true?” a fangirl in the front row asked excitedly.

Ephidel seemed to be considering his response. “I believe I shall allow you to figure it out on your own. Where’s the reward in a task well done if I gave you the answer just like that?” He snapped the fingers of his free hand.

“You just want us to snoop around and get in trouble,” muttered one student who was a little more perceptive than most.

The morph’s smile was bland. “Now, would I do something nasty like that?”

“Yes!” the harassed students chorused.

“Finally, you’ve learned. Very good, class.” His smile broadened into a smirk. “Now, let’s get back to punctuation, shall we?”

In the hallways after the first class, all the fangirls and fanboys were chatting excitedly about the new staff facilities—when they weren’t dodging both staff and mini-dragons, of course. Not even the teachers in the next two courses could halt the gossip, though a few student maimings and deaths slowed its flow somewhat.

At lunch, once Bunny had finished eating, she spotted something that made her unbelievably happy. Just outside the university, Fiora was directing a few villagers who were carrying several large boxes. Florina was hiding behind her sister, and Farina was haggling with an older woman about costs, it seemed. Bunny also saw Ephidel laying his hands on a larger package and vanishing in a warp to some unknown location.

“So it’s true?” Bunny blurted out as she jogged over to where the three pegasus sisters were working.

“Yes, we are installing a hot tub and sauna, if that is what you wish to know,” Fiora replied calmly, though there was an odd glint in her blue eyes.

Bunny beamed, then, noticing the way Legalt the mini-dragon was eyeing her, beat a hasty retreat.

The thought of the new facilities sustained her throughout her afternoon of classes. Being too caught up in her thoughts, she didn’t even notice when Rebecca stormed into her Romance class and started beating on Sain for sending her yet another love letter. Her classmates later assured her that the scene had been most amusing. Apparently, Sain had still tried to flirt with Rebecca while dodging her powerful kicks, and Kent had tried to soothe her, looking very helpless all the while. Bunny was actually rather sorry to have missed it, but was comforted by the thought that very soon she’d be seeing even better sights.

For she had a plan. This time, she was sure things were going to work in her favour. Little did she know. . . .

* * *

Bunny quietly opened the door to her room and started tiptoeing out. Though it was more than an hour to curfew, she thought it best not to attract attention. She walked down the hall, listening carefully for the sounds of scurrying mini-dragons. However, all she noticed was the usual screaming fights that took place in the student section. As Bunny had suspected, the staff had engineered things so that each applicant was roomed with someone they were guaranteed to dislike immensely. It could be based on their favourite or least favourite characters, it could be because of the pairings they supported, but no matter what, no one liked their roommate.

After casually walking across the grounds to Castle Caelin, Bunny headed for the lower floors. She had consulted with a few fangirls and they had decided that underground would be the most likely spot for the new amenities.

Strangely enough, there were no mini-dragons to impede her progress. That should have sent alarm bells off in her head, but Bunny was much too intent on her goal to think things through.

As she neared her destination, she could hear giggles and excited whispers. Jogging forward, she caught up with a group of seven fangirls, all standing outside a newly installed door.

“What’s going on?” Bunny inquired.

“She’s picking the lock,” one answered, gesturing at a girl working away at the door. “She’s in the thief classes, and that’s one of the things they teach you.”

“Done!” the thief announced in a gleeful whisper. She opened the door very slightly.

“Let me see!”

“I want through!”

“No, me!”

“I’m going,” Krys announced, and shoved everyone out of the way. She pressed her face to the crack in the door, then stiffened.

“What’s wrong?” Bunny asked as the girl began to back away slowly.

“It’s . . . it’s. . . .” Krys stammered before turning and fleeing down the hall as fast as she could go.

Bunny frowned and stepped up to where the fangirl had just been. She peered through . . . and began screaming as wave after wave of mini-dragons flooded through the door and began mowing down the remaining seven teens. Their screams echoed throughout the corridor.

* * *

In a secret location on OFURNK property, Miss V sat back in the hot tub contentedly. “It was an excellent idea of yours to let the students think the special mini-dragon relaxation centre was for the staff, Miss Jen. I like the way you think.”

“Why thank you, Miss V.” Miss Jen smirked. “Those students really are much too trusting.”

“I wonder how many fell for it?” Vaida pondered with evil glee as she fixed her bathing suit strap.

Fiora couldn’t help smiling. “I’d say a fair number, from the amount that pestered my sisters and I at lunch today.”

Miss Shadow raised her can of smuggled-in orange soda. “To a well-carried out plot. May there be many more to come!”

“Agreed!” the other four women declared.

A knock on the door interrupted their toast. Rebecca entered, looking quite pleased. “Miss Jen, the minis have caught eight girls outside their sauna. They’re in the dungeon now, awaiting your punishment.”

“Well, I’d love to stay, but duty calls.” Miss Jen pulled herself out of the water, towelled herself off, and then yanked on a t-shirt and jeans over her bathing suit. She then walked over and knocked on the door to the men’s section. “Karel, we have some more victims to look after!”

Within seconds, Karel slid out the door, fully dressed and sword loose in its sheath. He wore a deadly smile. “Ready when you are, Miss Jen.”

And the two exited, followed by the malicious laughter of the remaining staff.

* * *

Bunny sat shivering in the dungeon of Castle Caelin. When the minis had caught her and the other girls, including Krys, they had only mutilated them slightly before herding them down to the dungeon and guarding all the exits. She wasn’t planning on making a run for it. The screams echoing throughout the stone halls when one of the fangirls tried to hightail it out of there had rather discouraged her.

She wasn’t quite sure how long she had been waiting when she heard two sets of very precise footsteps clicking on the cold floor of the dungeon. After a pause, she raised her eyes to the door but saw nothing.

“Um, h-hello?” she called out nervously.

“Greetings, victim,” a smooth voice whispered in her ear.

“Argh!” Bunny leapt to her feet and skittered away from where she had been standing, only to run straight into a warm body. She looked up into the smirking face of Miss Jen. “Ack!” She scooted back until her back bumped up against the wall.

Laughter floated around her; she was unable to pinpoint the source. “Stop that!” Bunny attempted to order.

“Oh, but it’s so much fun to intimidate you,” Miss Jen replied, still cackling a little.

“Yet so very simple,” Karel’s voice agreed somewhere in the darkness.

After a little more menacing laughter, Miss Jen got down to business. “Now, we have it on excellent witness that you and seven other fangirls were attempting to spy on the staff in the relaxation facilities.”

“It wasn’t me! I didn’t have anything to do with it!” Bunny denied quickly—and foolishly.

The cold sound of a sword being unsheathed filled her ears. “You lie,” Karel murmured, sounding closer.

“Nice try.” In the impossibly dim light, Bunny could just make out Miss Jen’s expression. The Head of Discipline wore a smirk that was widening with each protest. “The other seven fangirls tried the same excuse. The minis tattled on you; apparently, they don’t like being spied upon when they’re trying to relax.”

“I didn’t know it was going to be—uh, I mean, those things can talk?” Bunny tried to mend her fences.

“Not in the way you’re expecting. Then again, it does help to have two dragons and a mamkute on staff. Now, since you incriminated yourself quite nicely, we can get on to the enjoyable part: your punishment.”

“Leave her to me, Miss Jen. I adore cutting down the weak such as her,” Karel positively purred. “Perhaps the removal of a few of the less useful extremities would be sufficient to ensure she would not attempt such a thing again?”

Miss Jen tilted her head to the side, ignoring Bunny’s very clear gulp. “Yes, but . . . we used that on the last three. What if we were a little more—creative?”

“How so?” Karel wished to know.

“Um . . .” Bunny spoke very quietly. She cleared her throat. She couldn’t be certain in the dungeon’s darkness, but she thought both staff members were looking at her. “I, uh, think I’ve learned my lesson, so there’s really no need to punish me. Can I go now?” She started edging towards the door.

There was a flash of silver. Suddenly, the Wo Dao appeared right before her stomach, blade side facing her.

“Eep!” Bunny squeaked and looked to the side. There, she discovered she was almost nose-to-nose with Karel. He smiled dangerously—and rather sexily, a very small, idiotic portion of her brain noted. Still not nearly as good as Eliwood, though.

Shut up, self, she ordered, and looked to Miss Jen. The Head of Discipline smiled back. Not a good sign.

“Now, Bunny, dear,” Miss Jen began in a too-sweet voice.

Uh-oh.

“Did you, by any chance, bring a pair of toenail clippers with you to the university?” Miss Jen inquired.

“Huh?” Bunny was completely caught off guard by the question. What did nail clippers have to do with anything? “Uh, yeah. Why?”

Miss Jen’s smile became evil in its purest form. “Because. . . .”

* * *

Snip. Snip. The soft sound was a soothing background to the usual OFURNK noises the next afternoon.

Bunny groaned and clutched her back. Trimming the entire north lawn of Castle Caelin with a pair of toenail clippers? Who knew Miss Jen could be so evil?

I’d almost prefer getting cut up by Karel, she thought. At least that would’ve been over faster.

Geizt, who had become her babysitter to make certain she completed her punishment duty, growled once.

“I’m going, I’m going!” Bunny snapped, then wished she didn’t, as the mini-dragon snapped back by biting her heels. “Ouch!”

“Oh, Lord Uther!” A breathless voice drifted to her ears.

Bunny sat up and looked around. That had sounded like a fangirl . . . but for Uther? Stranger things had happened at the university, after all. Such as Nergal having a rather motley assortment of fangirls. She shuddered.

Pulling her mind from such thoughts, Bunny found the other girl and Uther, standing at the very edge of OFURNK’s grounds.

“I would advise you to stay away from me, fangirl,” the Ostian lord recommended. “I don’t think you’d like the consequences, otherwise.”

“I don’t care if the mini-dragons tear me to shreds and scatter my parts to the four winds!” the teenager declared dramatically. “So long as I can be near to you, it’s all worth it!”

“No nearer.” Even from the distance she was at, Bunny could tell Uther’s patience was wearing thin. She ignored Geizt, who was biting her in rather painful places—the scene in front of her was much more interesting.

“Oh, but I must!” The girl began running towards him, arms spread wide in preparation for an epic glomp.

Uther shrugged. “Fine, then.” He took a step backwards . . . and vanished completely.

The screams of Bunny and the random fangirl merged in the still afternoon air.

~ * * * ~

Author's Note: * Mamkute: Fire Emblem term for someone who is half-dragon and half-human. It's the closest I can get to describe Miss Shadow...! Not precisely accurate, but it'll do. I hope.

Excerpt of Chapter (possibly 12) Draft

Author Note: Well, since I already have the next chapter to OFURNK written (in rough form), I figure, why make the staff wait another week and a half to see it? ^^; This is the end of the Uther saga, with one of my (currently) largest pet peeves. Also, watch for a small, hidden joke in the Romance class (kudos to whoever spots it).

“And commence teleportation spell,” Canas called out.

Immediately afterward, the rescuers vanished from the forest and reappeared at their next destination.

In the middle of a chicken coop.

“Argh!” Miss V flailed; chickens scattered everywhere. “Get these things away from me!”

“Canas!” everyone else roared.

“I’m sorry!” Canas winced and picked feathers off his robe.

“Eewww!” Serra screeched, suddenly rubbing her hand over and over on Hector’s cape. “I just put my hand in—in bird dung!”

“And you just got rid of it on my clothing?” Hector demanded, furious.

“Quick, let’s get out of here!” Miss Jen almost begged.

The hapless staff positively flung themselves atop Canas, who very hastily sent them off to the next spot.

* * *

Bunny, upon being discharged from the hospital, started roaming the corridors. Even though there were still classes for her to attend, she still didn’t much feel like going.

She kept up that pretence for a good five seconds, until Cans with Noferatu and Uhia with the Reinflech started bearing down on her with purpose in their evil little eyes. Deciding that classes were preferable to yet another stay in the hospital, she dashed headlong for her Romance class, which had only been going on for about five minutes.

“Oh, Bunny. Where were you just now?” Kent inquired from his position at the front of the class as she stumbled in.

“Sorry,” she gasped out. “Hospital . . . mini-dragons. . . .”

“That’s perfectly all right, then.” Bunny thought she could detect the barest hint of a smirk on Kent’s face.

That’s impossible, she decided. Kent never smirks.

“Now, to the lesson,” Sain continued after a brief pause.

Bunny studied his face in surprise. For once, the paladin seemed to be wearing an expression of anger? Sorrow? Both?

What’s up with him? she wondered. Bad day with “the ladies”?

“In my research into what you all consider to be ‘romance,’ I’ve discovered something that deeply pains me—none of you seem to realise what sort of person I really am,” Sain announced.

“But that’s easy!” Dama called out. “You’re a pervert!”

Sain looked incredibly wounded. “I most certainly am not!”

“But you’re always hitting on all those women!” the young man with rather metallic hair argued. “There’s obviously only one thing on your mind!”

“I’m merely showing them respect by telling them how beautiful they all are!” Sain protested. “One of the laws of chivalry is to hold women in the highest regard!”

“So you wouldn’t sneak into a girl’s tent at night?” Ed asked, apparently having recovered from his hospital stay.

“No!” Sain answered forcefully. “That would be dishonourable!”

“You wouldn’t rape someone?” Amarys inquired. “Because I saw this one fic where—”

“No!” Kent and Sain chorused. Sain looked rather ill at the thought.

“I would rather die than violate any woman in such a way!” Sain added, still visibly upset by the thought.

Kent put a comforting arm around him—the shounen ai fans leaned forward expectantly in their seats. “Keep your chin up, Sain . . . at least we’re educating them so they won’t do this anymore.”

“You’re right, Kent.” Sain looked up, and, noticing the avid expressions on the shounen ai fans’ faces, hurriedly separated himself from Kent.

“Aw, Sain,” Rosa Aquafire complained, red hair blazing fiercely away. “Why’d you have to do that?”

“It’s one of Lady V’s rules,” Sain explained.

Kent nodded. “None of us are supposed to give any indication to the students as to who are our lovers, or if we’re single. Miss V said it was to prevent disappointment from the attendees of the school, since I know you all have your own personal biases concerning who should be romantically involved with whom.”

“So you and Kent might actually be dating?” Rosa pressed.

The paladins traded looks; Bunny wasn’t quite sure what was going on between them . . . she wasn’t really getting shounen ai vibes from them, but . . . maybe?

“Possibly,” Sain answered with a charming smile. “Though that’s for us to know and you to find out.”

“Kent isn’t dating Sain!” Kaela protested. “It’s obvious Kent and Lyn are destined for one another!”

“Are you nuts?” Coedote retorted. “It’s Eliwood and Lyn!”

Kyuusei snorted. “Rath and Lyn.”

“Hector and Lyn!” most of the class yelled out.

Kent held up his hands. “Um, this isn’t the time to argue about that. . . .” He was completely ignored.

“Hector should be dating Florina!” Christi proclaimed.

“Are you out of your mind?” someone else insulted.

Later, Bunny wasn’t quite sure who started it, but within seconds, Kent and Sain’s orderly Romance class had degenerated into a free-for-all brawl. It was very therapeutic, Bunny decided, slapping a Matthew/Leila fan silly. Or at least, it was therapeutic until Sain ran off and returned with a good dozen mini-dragons. . . .

* * *

The staff materialised just outside of the gate to Castle Ostia, frightening the guards on duty to no end.

“Finally, you did it right!” Miss Shadow growled.

Canas looked injured. “I did it properly the first time, too! It was sheer ill fortune that caused our previous undesirable landings. And I am not used to travelling with so many people.”

“You did a fine job,” Oswin assured him. “The important thing is that we made it to Ostia in one piece.”

“Barely,” Miss V muttered, trying to keep her last meal down.

The entire group looked completely miserable. In general, they were damp, muddy, and covered in chicken feathers and mash. Miss V wasn’t even sure such a disreputable lot as they would be able to get into Castle Ostia, even with the marquess in their ranks.

“Well, let’s get this over with.” Hector sighed and strode through the gates.

The guards straightened and saluted him as he passed. The difference in their conduct was marked as the others straggled through. The sentries appeared as though they wished to bar the staff from entering, but, because they were obviously accompanying Marquess Ostia, wouldn’t dare deny them permission. They contented themselves with a few dark scowls, which the rescue group pointedly ignored.

“So where is Lord Uther buried, anyway?” Miss Jen asked. “And how’d his body get here in the first place? I seem to recall he died away from Ostia.”

“As soon as I returned from the Dread Isle, I sent out men to see if they could recover his body.” Hector’s face seemed almost stiff. “He—it . . . wasn’t in the best of condition when they found his remains.”

“Oh.” Miss Jen was sorry she had brought it up.

Eventually, they arrived at the stone tomb of the Ostian ruling family. Hector pulled open the heavy doors to the vault and they entered. Inside, the place was extremely dark and more than a little chilly. There was a long main hall with indentations along the sides for relatives lesser in importance, with a main room with a tall ceiling reserved for the marquesses and their wives. Matthew, after gazing into the crypt, darted off and returned several minutes later with a lit torch he had found no one knew where.

Serra shivered slightly as they walked past several stone coffins containing the remains of Hector’s ancestors. “Brr . . . it’s creepy in here.” She clung to Oswin’s arm; he was too much the gentleman to shake her off.

Miss V had to admit the bishop had a point. She hadn’t liked it much when she had come the first time to temporarily resurrect Uther—the air seemed almost heavy with time. Then she shook her head.

You’re becoming fanciful in your old age, the young woman thought wryly.

Hector stopped in front of a newer-seeming coffin. “This is it,” he spoke softly. The old vault seemed to call for it.

Finding the mood just a tad too melodramatic for her tastes, Miss V stepped forward, towards where Uther was entombed. She put her hands on her hips and, in a loud, clear voice, declared, “Lord Uther, I am quite vexed with you.”

For a few long moments, there was silence. Then a deep voice, sounding definitely amused, spoke out of nowhere.

“My apologies, Miss V.”

Serra gave a little squeak and intensified her stranglehold on Oswin’s arm. Canas leaned forward expectantly, violet eyes gleaming. Even Matthew seemed somewhat rattled as very faintly, Lord Uther began to appear, sitting comfortably atop his coffin.

“Do you have any idea the trouble you caused?” Miss Shadow demanded, annoyed.

Uther looked over the bedraggled group, trying not to smile. “From your appearances, I can take a guess.”

“You could have just called for a mini-dragon, you know,” Miss V informed him. “That would have taken care of things quite nicely and wouldn’t have inconvenienced anyone in the slightest. In fact, I’m quite sure they would have been happy to deal with that idiotic fangirl.”

Lucious growled in assent, the sound echoing rather eerily off the stone walls of the crypt.

Uther half-shrugged; he was growing more solid by the minute. “It seemed the easiest solution at the time.”

“Well, next time, find another way, okay? One that doesn’t involve us travelling halfway across Lycia.” Hector seemed rather uncomfortable addressing his brother. Miss V didn’t blame him. After all, it wasn’t every day one got to talk to one’s partially transparent, dead older sibling.

This time, a smile definitely found its way to Lord Uther’s lips. “Why, Brother, were you worried about me?”

“No!” Hector’s denial was just a shade too fast. “It’s just that it would reflect badly on the family were others to find out I misplaced a relative.”

Miss V interrupted before Uther could rile his brother any further. “This is all very nice, but could you two continue your discussion back at OFURNK? I shudder to think what’s going on in our absence.”

“Chaos, likely.” Matthew grinned, having long since regained his composure. “What a pity I’m not there to witness it.”

Canas cleared his throat gently. “If everyone would follow me outside, I could commence our return to the university.”

“Just a few more minutes, please,” Miss V requested as she studied Lord Uther. “I can still faintly see the wall through him.”

It didn’t take much longer for Lord Uther to assume solid form once again. As soon as the process was complete, he slid off the coffin and joined up with the group. Serra immediately started burbling to Uther about vassals, but Miss V managed override her, asking that she discuss the issue upon their return to OFURNK.

Once they had left the vault, Canas managed to quickly teleport away from Ostia, but not before a few passerby had spotted the previous and supposedly dead Marquess Ostia. Miss V grimaced and hoped the story wouldn’t spread, or she’d have a lot of work to do convincing half the populace of Ostia that the observers had been hallucinating at the time.

When the group finally returned to OFURNK grounds, they were greeted by a delegation of staff members headed by Lord Faction. A few students also were present. Out of their numbers, some were unwise enough as to snigger at the appearance of the returning rescuers, but were quickly silenced when Miss V, Miss Jen, and Miss Shadow sent their mini-dragons into the crowd.

“Miss V, welcome back,” Lord Faction greeted the assistant headmistress as soon as she was available.

“Thank you. I trust things went well?” Miss V inquired, watching out of the corner of her eye with pride as Elliwood tore into the fangirl who had caused all of the trouble in the first place.

An irritated expression crossed the psychiatrist’s face. “For the most part, yes, but. . . .”

“But what?” Miss V felt her newly returned good mood begin to take its leave.

“Well, while you were gone, some of the fangirls got together and stampeded Lloyd,” he explained with distaste. “Unfortunately, he ran straight off the property, which means you have a trip to Bern in your immediate future.”

Miss V dropped to her knees, yanked at her hair, and let out a scream of pure frustration.

~ * * * ~

Author Note: I kinda took some liberties as to how Hector handled Uther's remains, but...it seems to be in keeping with canon, I s'ppose, so...it's okay? *hopes so*

Chapter 1? Draft

Author Note: Well, just because by the time I get back from vacation, Echo's probably going to be internet-less, I thought I'd post the appearances of Agents Echo and Kat. This is actually out of sequence by several chapters. There are *thinks* two chapters that I have yet to write before I actually get to this one, but it works as a one-shot, so I'm going with it.

Please note that the character I used to show what ISN'T a Mary-Sue is more of a place-holder than anything, since I know she's really clichéd and overused and so on, but I couldn't think of anything else and didn't have time to. So just...ignore her and imagine a good, well-rounded original character in her place, okay? ^^;; Thanks.

Rough draft as always, so any bad patches will eventually be sorted out later....

When Bunny walked into her course on Mary-Sues, she was sorely tempted to turn on her heels and flee. Along with Lyn, Miss V was standing at the front of the class, holding a humongous scythe. Heat, Lown, and Erks lay at her feet, eyeing the students hungrily.

“Sit down, girl,” Miss V commanded her. “Today’s lesson is important, so you can’t afford to skip. Not that you ever can. . . .”

Bunny looked around. All the seats at the very back of the class were for some odd reason filled completely, and so she had to be content with a middle seat.

The bell to begin class rang shortly thereafter, but Lyn made no move to begin teaching. The class began fidgeting, but stopped immediately when Miss V and Lyn glared in unison.

Bunny was halfway asleep whenever a surprised murmur swept across the class. Looking up, she stared as a midair portal, tilted at precisely forty-five degrees, grew larger and larger in the air. Then, two people dropped through. One landed, catlike, on her feet, while the other managed to stay upright only due to a period of arm flailing.

Bunny looked them over carefully. The first person who landed so gracefully, was, in fact, an anthropomorphic cat. She was covered in short, reddish-blond fur from head to kitty nose, and wore a loose-fitting robe and a pack on her back. The second was—

“Miss Kazul?” Bunny blurted in shock.

The blond-haired woman, hearing the exclamation over the babble, shook her head. “Nope. I’m Agent Echo, Miss Kazul’s twin. It’s up to you lot to discover which of us is the evil one.”

“And I’m Agent Kat Daydream, Echo’s partner!” the feline introduced herself cheerfully.

“Um, why are you called ‘agents,’ anyway?” Isaac questioned, confused.

“They both work for the PPC,” Miss V replied. “The All-Purpose Department of Fire Emblem, to be precise.”

“But what do they do?” Anthony pressed.

Agent Echo grinned. “We’re Sue-killers. Assassins, if you would. Every time one of you writes a Mary-Sue or a Gary-Stu, we have to go to Elibe, write up a list of offences, and then kill it.”

“We’re very creative,” Kat piped up.

Quite a few of the students shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Bunny wasn’t one of them.

I’m perfectly fine, she thought. After all, none of my characters are Sues. No worries.

“I’ve invited them today to help give a special demonstration,” Lyn said, drawing the students’ attention back where it belonged. “Because I’ve noticed some of you are having trouble understanding the concepts I’m teaching—as simple as they are—I thought we’d have some PPC agents help you.”

“Why is Miss V here?” Paul asked, not sounding at all pleased.

The assistant headmistress smiled, showing all her teeth. “I’m a PPC agent as well, though admittedly freelance. I take on the cases that tick me off.”

“All of the cases tick you off,” Agent Echo reminded her.

“Okay, let me rephrase that—I take on the cases that make me more blindingly angry than usual.” Miss V hefted the scythe she held to a better position. “And I use this—the Scythe of Extreme!Tactician Decapitation. I don’t think you really need an explanation of what it does.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised, with some of them,” Lyn muttered, sounding irritated. She took a deep breath. “Anyway. The way this lesson is going to work is I’ll take some of the original characters you’ve submitted to me for homework and read off a brief description. If they’re fine, the agents will leave her or him alone. If they’re a Sue or a Stu, they’ll be slain, and one of us will explain why, even if it’s obvious.”

She walked over to her desk and picked up a stack of papers of varying sizes. “First one. Name’s Elfiewood.”

From the paper, a ghostly form flitted out and began to materialise.

Lyn ignored the sounds of surprise coming from her class. “Apparently, she looks like a female Eliwood wearing a dress.” She carefully tried not to look at the spirit, which transformed to match what she had read out. “She’s S-rank with all weapons, and personality-wise is like Eliwood, ‘only nicer.’ She’s” —Lyn choked— “Eliwood’s twin sister, and is married to him.”

Kat made a revolted face. “That’s just sick. This one definitely deserves to die, as a mercy to poor Eliwood.” With one swift slash of her claws, Kat slit the Sue’s throat from left to right. Phantom blood spurted everywhere, then vanished as the Sue dissipated.

“Being related to or married to a canon character is a typical Sue and Stu trait,” Agent Echo explained to the suddenly silent class. “And the only ones allowed to have S-rank in multiple categories are Lord Athos, Lord Bramimond, and Nergal. Next?”

“Hmm.” Lyn shuffled her papers. “Okay, this one’s a tactician named Samurai. He’s apparently the last of his clan and has jet-black hair and red eyes. He wields a katana ‘flawlessly’ and has Karel admiring him and Karla as a fiancée.”

The spirit, formed as Lyn read, took a prideful pose, one hand on the hilt of his katana. Not for long, however. Kat pulled a solid-looking frying pan from her knapsack and handed it to Echo. The PPC agent brought it down with a satisfying clang on the back of the Stu’s head with enough force to finish him off.

“Okay, that one was a Stu because first, tacticians don’t use weapons; second, his appearance was much too unusual; third, he caused Karel to act out of character; fourth, he was paired with a canon character; and fifth, he’s the last of his clan.” Kat ticked the charges off on her human-like paws. “Did I miss anything?”

“The katana’s iffy,” Miss V inserted. “A lot of Sues and Stues use those.”

“Oh, right. Thanks!” Kat grinned. “I had almost forgotten.”

“Next.” Lyn shuffled the papers around. “Hmm. This one’s an innkeeper’s wife. She has waist-length brown hair she wears in a bun when working, blue eyes, and is fairly stocky. She’s in her thirties and has a good handful of children.”

Boring, Bunny thought as the spirit took shape. She doesn’t even have golden eyes or angel wings or anything!

“She does use a weapon,” Lyn continued. “A wooden staff. She uses it to beat about disorderly drunks and the like, but she’s not skilled enough to participate in true combat. She knows it, too. The only connection she had with Eliwood’s group is that they once stayed at her inn.”

“Did she wind up running off with one of the handsomer men, having suddenly fallen in love with one of them?” Agent Echo asked suspiciously.

Lyn read further, looking surprised. “No, actually. She spends most of her time serving food, sweeping up, and freshening up the sheets. She does talk to some of the minor members of the army for a bit, but all in all, she seems quite content with her life.”

Kat gave a pointy-toothed smile. “Wow, finally someone who’s an actual, reasonable character and not a Mary-Sue!”

“I’m in shock,” Miss V muttered.

The phantom innkeeper bowed once, deeply, and then vanished suddenly.

“And I believe that’s them all,” Lyn said, dropping the remainder of the papers on her desk. She turned to Agent Echo and Agent Kat. “Thank you very much for—”

A knock on the door interrupted her farewell. The staff and students looked up as Oswin strode in, scowling fiercely at a piece of paper in his hand.

“Lady Lyndis, if it’s not too much to ask, look after this one as well,” he requested, handing over the sheet. “Mr T recently found this Sue in a surprise inspection and I think the students need to learn from it.”

Lyn looked annoyed. “Not another illicit fanfic; I thought they’d have learned by now. Well, thank you, Oswin.”

Oswin attempted to smile and didn’t quite make it. “You won’t be thanking me when you read it. If you don’t mind, milady, I . . . think I’ll go. Once was enough for this Sue.”

And with those ominous words, he left.

“Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” Agent Echo asked redundantly.

“Same reason I do?” Kat replied. She sighed. “Well, Lyn, let’s see what you have.”

“Um, right. Mother Earth and Father Sky, grant me patience.” Lyn also sighed and started to read. “All right . . . it starts off with Hector, who was first abused mercilessly by his parents, and then when they died, Uther took up where they left off.”

Miss V’s hands clenched convulsively on the handle of her scythe while Echo and Kat made faces at each other.

“Consequently, Hector spent much of his time shut up in his room, alone and depressed. He wore black all the time and cut himself to distract himself from his emotional pain. Then, she came into his life.”

What’s that odd noise? Bunny wondered, looking around. It sounds like someone’s grinding pepper . . . oh.

The sound she had heard was that of Lyn, Miss V, Echo, and Kat simultaneously gritting their teeth.

“She was the maid who brought him his meals. Her name was Kiana and as the author put it, ‘her skin was pure as ivory, her eyes green flames that danced with cheer, and her hair was shining silvery white with a hidden sheen of gold.’ Ugh. The gist of it is she cheers him up with a speech about the joy of living and the two fall in love. Then when Uther finds out that Hector’s consorting with a commoner, he sends her away.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Miss V broke in sarcastically as the ghostly Sue appeared with a toss of her strange hair. “Sure the family that wanted to get rid of the peerage system’s going to act like that.”

Echo looked nervous. “Miss V. . . .”

Lyn kept reading. “While the Sue was desperately trying to figure out how to return to her one true love, someone else slid in. It was the—the evil Florina? What the?” Lyn cursed. “And she tried to seduce Hector so he’d be force to marry her and—argh!”

Suddenly, Lyn savagely crumpled the paper and fired it into the front row. Incredibly fast, she whipped out her Sol Katti and ran the Sue through five times and then just as swiftly decapitated her. The head thumped to the floor and rolled softly until it and the Sue’s body vanished in a soft cloud of steam.

For a while, no one said anything as they watched Lyn, breathing hard, sheathe her sword and bring herself back under control. Then, carefully bringing her features into what could be interpreted as a pleasant expression, she faced the agents.

“Barring any more interruptions, thank you for coming and helping me give this demonstration. I hope it was . . . educational . . . for the students.” The lady of Caelin’s glare stopped any who wished to disagree.

“Anytime!” Kat replied happily. “This was a lot of fun!”

“Yeah, since we didn’t have to spend days at a time wading through bent, broken, or nonexistent canon, I’d have to agree.” Echo smiled. “And since the charge lists were short and on-the-spot, that made it even better. Do have us again.”

“And next time, let me kill a Sue,” Miss V put in.

Lyn grinned. “Oh, come now, Miss V. Surely you finish off enough students on a daily basis to satisfy yourself.”

Miss V snorted. “Not hardly. See you later, Echo, Kat.”

“Bye!” The two agents waved cheerfully, stepped through another tilted portal, and were gone.

Bunny watched the gateway close behind Echo and Kat, feeling quite relieved. While Echo and Kat weren’t the most professional of assassins, for some reason she couldn’t understand, they still made her nervous. Then she looked back at Lyn and Miss V and couldn’t quite suppress a gulp. It was going to be a long rest of class. . . .

Author Note: There. Anyone spot my not-so-subtle reference to Morphs and Heroes? ^^;

Chapter 16 Draft

Author Note: Well, lately, I've received a few comments about how OFURNK is getting a tad repetitive, which is not a good sign for only fifteen chapters. The reasons given were that I underlined the fact that the staff were evil a little too much, and I vented against the students too often. Finding this out as I was in the middle of updating, I decided (with much dithering) to halt this week's update, tone down the general evilness, and post it here for comments.

So! If you all think this is a little better than my usual fare, let me know and I'll post it. If not, tell me what I should work on and why, and I'll get to work. ^^;

With apologies to Marcus. ^^;

Bunny watched Ephidel poof into the room as usual and mentally prepared herself for another dreary English class. However, the morph didn’t begin the lesson as usual.

“Miss V has asked all first class teachers to make an announcement.” Ephidel surveyed the students for a moment to ascertain they were paying attention. “We staff want to know how we’re doing in our teachings, so we’ve set up ‘question and comment’ boxes in the halls of Castle Caelin. Surely I don’t need to tell you what they’re for.”

A few snorts from the more cynical students accompanied his sarcasm.

“However, I will insist you do not make up whatever suggestions you’re planning during class time. If I find you’re doing so, I’ll burn your papers without hesitation and report your names to Miss V so that any further submissions will be disallowed.

“With that out of the way, it’s time to continue our work on homonyms, synonyms—and might I remind you that’s not pronounced cinnamons—and antonyms.” Ephidel turned to the slate propped up at the front of the class and started scribbling.

Instead of copying notes, Bunny ignored her teacher as the glimmerings of an idea began to form in her mind. She grinned to herself and, after Ephidel glared pointedly in her direction and cleared his throat, set about looking after her work.

* * *

After classes that day, Bunny decided to act on her idea. After talking to a few students, she found the room Dots shared with Meg, another yes please. As she approached the room, she could hear the two of them arguing with each other.

“Lucius is a crappy unit!” someone shouted. Bunny guessed it was Meg.

“What about my über Lucius, then?” Dots retorted.

Bunny hesitantly knocked on the door, but received no response.

“His defence was toilet-material.”

“Then how do you explain the sixteen defence Lucius?”

Bunny pounded harder.

“Urban legend, no doubt.”

“Hey!” she practically screamed through the door.

The argument stopped, the door opened, and Dots peered out.

“Sorry about that,” she apologised. “My roommate was making far too much racket for me to hear you.”

Behind her, Meg performed an eyeroll-and-snort combo; both of them ignored it.

“I just had an idea about you know” —she coughed— “our project.”

Stepping into the hallway, Dots closed the door. “I’m all ears. Though not literally.”

“We could probably manage to write way out in the open if we pretended we were composing our ‘questions and comments’ for that box thing.” Bunny grinned. “That way, we wouldn’t have to be all furtive and our chances of getting caught would be a lot lower.”

“Hey, great idea, there!” Dots seemed surprised. “I’ll have to go track down the rest of the group. What say we meet in about fifteen minutes for a writing session on the front lawn?”

“Sounds good to me.”

Both girls fell silent as Marcus walked past, followed by Ludgren, Ninnian, and Priscialla. The paladin and mini-dragons gave them suspicious looks but passed by without incident. Ludgren in particular looked sour.

“So, see you then,” Dots said with a small sigh of relief once the four had left the area.

“Right!”

Bunny jogged off to her own room. Upon entering, however, she stopped dead. Various clothing was strewn about the room, and a young man was pawing through her underwear drawer.

She let out a scream and snatched up a textbook. The teen whirled, startled, and held his hands over his head. “Wait! Don’t hit me!”

Bunny lowered the book she had been about to throw at him. “And why not?” she demanded, semi-hysterical.

“Because I’m one of the staff—Mr T! I’m in charge of dorm inspections!” he quickly explained.

“I pity da foo’?” Bunny frowned.

“No, not that Mr T.” He looked annoyed. Apparently, he got that question a lot.

“Oh, okay, but what were you doing going through my underwear drawer?” Bunny asked, still suspicious.

“Surprise dorm inspection,” he explained. “And it’s a good thing, too, since I found this.” He held up a piece of paper. “You printed this off from fanfiction.net before coming here, didn’t you?”

“And what if I did?” Bunny demanded.

“Well. . . .” Mr T wrinkled his nose. “It’s bad slash, so I’m going to have to confiscate it. Sorry.” He didn’t sound apologetic at all. “I can give it back if you like, but with spelling corrections and a few suggestions for better characterization.”

“But . . . but. . . .” Bunny was flustered.

“See you around.” Mr T nipped around her and slammed the door on his hasty way out.

Bunny stared at the door for a few moments more before giving herself a mental shake and looking around for her gel pens and looseleaf. Finding them beneath one of her skimpy t-shirts, she headed out, selfishly leaving the mess for Leigha to clean up.

She found the writing group already seated on the front lawn and hard at work. Sitting down, Bunny quickly scribbled the words “I think that OFURNK could be improved by” on a piece of paper—to use as cover in case a staff member came by—and started working on a new fanfic.

The atmosphere was peaceful, broken only by several single peals that indicated that, yet again, even more Priscilla mini-dragons were spawned.

“What are you writing?” Dots asked her after a bit.

Bunny didn’t even look up. “I’m writing a fic about an original character of mine, Diamondinia Pureheart. At the moment, she’s used the last of her starmoon magic to protect Eliwood and has just fainted into his arms.”

Dots herself seemed rather faint. “I . . . see. Well, uh, what about you?” she asked Maris Malus.

“I’m in the middle of writing a Sonia/Tactician romance starring my tactician, Marus. Muliebris over there” —he jerked his thumb at his twin sister— “is writing the lemon.”

“Isn’t his name rather . . . similar to yours?” Dots asked, having moved from seeming faint to seeming ill.

Maris and Muliebris shared a look.

“Not really.” Maris shrugged and went back to writing.

Dots turned to Ben in desperation. “What about you?”

“Oh,” he said in a mild voice, “I’m writing a speculative fic about Renault and his platonic relationship with Nergal.”

The relief on Dots’ face was almost frightening. “What a great idea!”

“Thank you.” Ben looked pleased.

“What about my idea?” Bunny asked, annoyed.

“Um . . . it’s . . . unusual. Now, I had better keep working on my fic!” Dots hastily turned back to her writing.

Hmph, Bunny thought. Maybe she’ll like my other idea. I’ll write it so well she won’t be able to help herself, she’ll be praising it so much!

Encouraged by the thought, Bunny set aside her fic about Diamondinia and started to write a second.

Once tehre was a taction who went rong. Her bame was miss v. She had ben working 4 eliwood (hes so sekushi!!!1!) but wehn she saw nerhal, she culdnt help but fal madly in luv wit him.

That sounds about right. Bunny nodded in satisfaction. One of only Rekka no Ken characters who shared the same bad attitude with Miss V had to be Nergal, so of course they made a great pairing. She supposed she could have paired Miss V with Marcus, her least favourite character in the game, but who in their right mind would write about him?

This is going to be the best thing I’ve ever written! she thought in excitement.

Time passed as Bunny scribbled away. But it wasn’t until she was halfway through the second chapter that she noticed something amiss.

Kis me again nergla, miss v said, tossing her long ravenblak hair. “Your such a good kiser.

At the back of her mind, Bunny noticed someone hovering over her shoulder. “Stop it; that really annoys me.”

Your teh only 1 I found 2 rivle my ebil.” Nergal told hr. “your so beautifull. merry me.”

The feeling didn’t go away. “I said stop it!”

Bunny twisted around and found herself nose-to-muzzle with Elliwood . . . Miss V’s personal mini-dragon. Elliwood gave her a pointy-toothed grin.

Bunny gulped. This was not good. “Eh heh . . . heh?”

Elliwood gave her an innocent look. Out of the corner of her eye, Bunny could see more mini-dragons gathering, drawn to her fear like Canas to a well-stocked library.

And all chaos broke loose.

Author Note: Short, yes, but some of the evilness I replaced was a little longer. ^^;;

Oh yes, I also e-mailed Miss Cam for a few tips on keeping the LTP program stuff fresh, though I included a disclaimer with the e-mail that she was under no obligation whatsoever to respond.

Archivist Note: The following short entries were created for a "mail bag" chapter. (This is now lost, or perhaps was never posted, since this section is near the end of the discussion board's record.) Apart from Vyctori's initial post just below, all letters were created by another author, who is credited above their letters.

Vyctori's Note: Well, despite the lack of feedback I got on the idea, *coughs* I decided to go ahead with the letter chapter...but only as part of the chapter (so I'm not blown out of the water by an overzealous nut). So if anyone would like to write a letter to one of the staff members (staff meaning the canon characters or people like me, Yo-san, etc.), I'd appreciate it. That way I can answer it in chapter as a sort of mailbag. ^^; You don't have to have a character enrolled at OFURNK, but if you do, then feel free to write from their POV.

written by Yoshima Takahashi

Dear Nergal-chan Nergal-sama, [ink is all over the place around here, as if the writer of this letter had a spazzout after writing this]

Hi! This is from your adoring fan future lover great supporter, Muliebris Malus! I hope you are feeling in the mood for wild [an ink splatter covers the next word, thankfully] well.

I was thinking lately about you and I [very large ink splatter]. You must feel lonely, surrounded by the staff, none of who understand your true sexiness intentions. If you’re tired of them acting as if you are an evil villain, a group of my hormones people sympathetic to your cause can meet you in my room. We would be sure to make you feel better. Wear tight black leather.

Your adoring fan future lover great supporter,

Muliebris Malus

P.S. NERGAL, YOU’RE SO HOT!

written by Dotdotdot-sama

Dear Lord Pent,

I was just wondering what exactly you see in that slutty woman, Louise. I think she's an absolute tramp, and I don't see what there is to like about her.

I mean, surely there are other women who are more suited to your divine grace and ethereal beauty. A woman like Louise just doesn't do you justice, and personally I think she's been cheating on you with Canas.

I was just feeling curious and thought I would ask.

Thank you,
Krys

Dear staff of the Rekka no Ken University:

My name is Dots, and I'm a student on the campus (obviously). I was just wondering what Ephidel and Limstella's opinions were on their being paired together fairly frequently in the fandom.

Thanks,
Dots.

written by Jake Delfeir

Jake Delfeir's Note: Let's see... perhaps Bunny isn't the only one concerned about the Tactician... *grin*

Dear Staff of OFURNK,

I've recently been concerned about *several scribbled out words* the lack of a tactician on the campus. I mean, I've read all these really great stories about a really handsome strategist who carries a sword, uses magic, and wipes out armies in seconds.

I've also heard that he's in love with Priscila (Jake: Just to prove a point), but I've never seen him with her. I was hoping to find him so I could make him fall for me say hi!

Please respond!

-Almighty Tactician Girl

written by The Faction's Lord

Dear Miss V.

I have a plan which I would like to try on some students as a test.

Can you please send any particularly disruptive students to my office and tell them to ask for a second chance.

Yours Respectfully
Lord Faction

The Faction's Lord's Note: This is something I've been considering for a while. I take a few people, and basically make them feel the bite of a mini-dragon whenever they start lusting via hypnosis. Saving mini-dragon time. The point is it won't stop them anyways so I decide not to perform it on the whole university, good idea, bad idea?

written by Ookami MX

Hello, Raven.

I would just like to know, but... forgive me if I'm intruding in your personal life, but...

.........

Is Lucius good in bed?

kthnxbai,

~A You/Lucius Fan.

written by Shadow

Dear Miss V,

Shad here.

The night hours have become increasingly problematic for Hawkeye and myself. Too many students are going out for me, Mathew, Eleanor, and Hawk to handle. I am requesting that a few unoccupied RNK characters assist in the night watch.

Oh, and...

When you see the dragon shaped hole in the wall of the west hall...

It was the Lloyd fangirls.

I built up too much speed chasing them and couldn't turn in time.

Same goes for the one in the med tower (Flew into it), the horse stables too. ...And any other place with a hole shaped like me.

You don't mind me borrowing a helmet from the armory, right?

Miss Shadow

written by Traek

Dear Miss V,

I have no clue why I'm sending you a letter when I could just go down to your office and talk to you, but I feel like being unefficient. I was hoping if I could borrow a few hundred bucks to open up a new store called "Spam", so I can sell some of things I find in some of the dorms.

If you won't let me, then I'll just go ask Miss Jen. I'm sure she has the money, but then again, she carries swords around, so asking her might not be a good idea.

Why am I writing all of this and not using my eraser. Well, if you haven't noticed, I'm using a the blood of my body to write this because I couldn't find a single writing utensil in the entire university. I asked a Foira to scrape in the words with her teeth (that would explain all of the scratces on my table and the tears in the paper... if you were wondering).

I suggest that maybe you could put a few more available writing utensils around the castle. I'm not saying that OFURNK has a problem. Well, yes I am, but... Nevermind. I didn't say that. How 'bout you just completely forget about this letter. I was bored, so I just decided to do something, yet I have no idea why I'm mailing this to you, but since I already enveloped it and sent it to you, I can't get it back.

So here ya go.

Love... oops. Sincerely,
Mr T

Dear Miss V,

What the heck is a Sue? I looked it up in the dictionary, but I can't seem to find out what it is. All it says is that a Sue is a female's name.

Anywho, I'm writing a new fic that I think you'll love. It's about an OC of mine name Elsy el de la si Monica. She the most beautiful girl in Elibe who falls in love with the king of the world making her the queen. Then she kills him for no reason (that's my favorite part. It has a lot of plot), and she's still queen. She then marries Eliwood because she orders him to marry her (because she queen ya know). Then Eliwood falls in love with her because she's so beautiful.

The best part about her is that she's half-angel. She has silver hair with rose eyes, and she. A sad part about her is that her parents died when she was very young, and helpless. She then learned to use every magic and weapon at S level. Isn't she great?

There seems to be a problem, though. I couldn't find any writing utensils, so I had to use my own blood.

Sincerely,
The Most Experienced OC Riter Eva!!!!!!1111one