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ppcofuarchiveArchivist's Note: Kippur (through Alec Troven) took on the task of writing solo PPC missions for the entire Marrissa Picard series of Legendary Badfics. Most of them have been missing for years due to the loss of Kippur's geocities page. Thankfully, Neshomeh saved a copy of one of these stories back in the day, originally from this link. The "4" in that link seems to indicate that there are at least two Marrissa missions still missing, although there's no way to be sure.
This mission also seems to reference another mission Alec had with Verra Rose, in which Verra left early and took the remote activator with her, leaving Alec stranded and traumatized. This mission, if it was actually published, does not survive either. It also mentions a "Star Trek Fan Fiction University," which doesn't survive, and a previously unknown Star Trek mini, the Vulcan Teddy Bear.
The archivist has done editing in this mission, primarily adding commas and italicizing the name of the Enterprise. The mission uses the phrase, "Slimpic light," which confuses the archivist, so it has been left alone for now.
The mission, and the author note below, were written by Kippur. The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. The badfic "Who Q? Where Q?" belongs to Stephen Ratliff. Star Trek: The Next Generation belongs to Gene Roddenberry.
This mission is rated PG for very minor innuendos and discussion of alcohol.
The Many Deaths of Marrissa Picard: "Q-uesting"
by Kippur
In which Agent Alec Troven is put on Prozac.
Disclaimer: Star Trek, not mine. Marrissa, gods! Not mine. Alec, yeah he’s mine. PPC, just playing with it.
-=-=-
In the depths of the PPC where even the Agents feared to go, Alec sat with the head of the Fictional Psychology department going through the Ink Blot test. Alec had just come back from a particularly traumatizing mission, and Upstairs wanted to make sure that he was sane. Well, as sane as he was before he left on the mission, and not any more likely to go through the hallways with a flame-thrower.
“Turnip.”
“And this one?”
“Badger.”
“And this one.”
“Mushroom.”
“And this one.”
“My wife in a bitchy mood right after she finds out that I canceled her subscription to Better Homes.”
The amazing thing, Dr. Freedenburg noticed, was that Alec somehow managed to give the same exact answers to the same exact cards that he did when he was first tested. He figured that this meant that Alec was sane. But just to be sure... “I’m going to put you on Prozac, just for the next mission. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Prozac?” Alec said uncertainly as the Doctor handed over a bottle of pills. “Are you sure that’s a good idea.”
“Of course,” the doctor said with a sort of voice that said that Alec had just insulted him. The agent sighed and took the pills, slipping them into his pocket. They couldn’t be too bad, right? And the doctor did know what he was doing, right?
Later:
Alec popped two of the Prozac pills and stood nervously in front of the portal. Before him stood the way into the Marrissa-verse. The one place he didn’t want to go. The one place he had to go. He hefted his pack, feeling the weight of it reassure him. He had checked it three times already for the portal generator. It was still there. Verra had apologized most… nicely … when he had returned for removing it and trapping him in the fic. He was still a little sore from some of the apology. Taking a deep breath, he clutched the handle of his sword, feeling the reassuring realness of the leather and metal. Then he stepped through.
Into darkness. He froze and tightened as a girl’s voice began to speak:
Space ... the final frontier. There are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her mission, to seek out new life, new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. At least that is what the Enterprise is suppose to be doing. Lately all the new life the Enterprise has seen is Nurse Ogawa's new baby. The civilization we are working with this time is centuries old. As for going were no one has gone before, the Enterprise hasn't done that in over a year. But then again a twelve and a half year old doesn't usually command a diplomatic mission either. That surprises you doesn't it? Then let me introduce myself. I am Marrissa Amber Picard, adopted daughter of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and commander of the Enterprise's Kid's crew. I hold the rank of Ensign in Starfleet with all rights and privileges that entails. I have commanded two ships at various times (the Maine and the Enterprise saucer section.) for a total of 2 weeks. At this time I have 54 hours of Starfleet Academy credit. In fact I was completing 3 of those hours; Tactics 360, Diplomatic Negotiation; when this began. I was waiting for my father, Captain Picard, by Holodeck Six ...
The darkness cleared and he found himself in the hallway, fortunately behind Marrissa. He blocked the urge to go running and screaming down the hallway in terror. He was Alexander Raven Troven. He was an ex-Sue. He was the Physical Embodiment of Chaos for the entire Multiverse. He would not be frightened by a child. He would not be frightened by a Sue.
"I wish Dad would hurry up and get here so I can get this over with," Marrissa muttered. "Computer what time is it?"
"1530,"
"He's a half a hour late," She fumed. "Computer locate Captain Picard."
"Captain Jean-Luc Picard is not aboard the Enterprise."
"Computer who is presently in command of the Enterprise."
"The Senior officer aboard, Ensign Marrissa Amber Picard."
“There’s a cliff hanger if I ever heard of one,” Alec said softly and prepared himself for the time shift. His life flashed before his eyes, and when they cleared, he was on the bridge. He shook his head and began to hum a little song as he started to feel a lot better.
"Computer, records search, determine the precise time the command crew disappeared and link all visual records covering that time for tactical's review," Marrissa said as Patterson Supra, the new chief of Security arrived. "Patterson, I want to know exactly who or what caused these disappearances."
"Aye, sir," Patterson replied. Clara Sutter arrived next. The Chief Engineer and Second Officer was wearing the new yellow and blue security and engineering outfit as she reported,
"Engineering is staffed. Shayna and I could find no engineering reason for the disappearances- yet."
Alec gave a snort of contempt. He really didn’t think children could understand the intricacies of engineering any more than they could run a star ship. And besides, what sort of engineering accident would selectively cause all the adults to vanish? Any idiot would know that. He mentioned this to Marrissa. Her eyes, at seeing him, went wide in shock, but she managed to keep her composure. Alec let out a high-pitch giggle.
Jay Gordon, the first officer, arrived in the red and blue command uniform. "Duty schedule is posted," he said. "Alpha shift is reporting for duty. I have assigned people to take care of the younger children and feed all the pets. Note that security will handle the pet feeding for the rest of the voyage."
“Younger children? How young would that be? Infants? Or wouldn’t you need them for security?” Alec snarked happily; this was the greatest he had felt in days.
"Notation made, Number One," Marrissa said as the chief of operations, Alexander and the CONN Officer, Heather Cowhig, arrived.
“Moooooo…”
"Jay you have the bridge. I am going to see about our mission."
Following her, Alec commented, “You mean you aren’t going to look for the adults? I mean, that is important right? You do care about your supposed father, don’t you?” The Sue’s fists clenched in anger as she entered the Captain’s office.
"Computer, open a channel to Admiral Okie at Starfleet Diplomatic San Francisco," Marrissa ordered. Admiral Edward Okie, middle aged man with a handle bar mustache appeared on screen. "Admiral Okie this is Ensign Marrissa Picard, presently in command of the Enterprise."
"Where is Captain Picard?" Okie asked.
“Marrissa ate him.”
"All I know is that the computer tells me that I am the only officer left," Marrissa responded. "Engineering problems have been ruled out though."
"What happened?"
"The adult crew has disappeared," Marrissa said. "No one over the age of 18 is left on board. We have no medical crew, a slim security staff, but elsewhere we have sufficient staff."
At this Alec let out a cheerful laugh. “Oh yes, because, you know, a bunch of untrained children know how to run a starship.”
"Just how much do you know about the Naklab Situation?" Admiral Okie asked, curious.
If this was any other time, Logic would have given a large hiccup and fled, but it was too late. Logic had long since left the universe. Rather pleased that something nasty didn’t happen, Alec pulled out a piece of gum and began to chew and snap it noisily. Marrissa began to twitch. The Admiral gave her a funny look, but when Marrissa began to speak, he calmed down.
"The Naklab system has four inhabited class M planets, Bresa, Troac, Nevolsia, and Sobnia," Marrissa said. "They were colonized by people from the Balkan area on Earth The current situation involves everyone but Nevolsia. Bres and Troac both claim Sobnia. Sobnia has declared independence. The Bres have Sobnia's capital under siege. The only thing that is keeping this tinderbox from erupting in flames is the promise from all sides that they will not open or advance hostilities during negotiation."
“Now, children, let’s see who can tell me how idiotic the Author is; after all, everyone knows that problems such as nationality strife that was found in the twentieth century Balkans doesn’t exist in today’s Earth, so that such a thing as this plot device has the likelihood of what, happening?” Alec chirruped while still snapping his gum.
"You keep well informed," Okie said. "Your Captain was to be the thirteenth mediator we sent. All previous mediators either gave up or left in a box. Only the promise that we would send Captain Picard of the Enterprise kept them from resuming hostilities this time. Now it looks like the children in the tinderbox have found the matches."
"Perhaps not," Marrissa tentatively suggested.
"Of coarse it's a complete disaster," Okie said. "Something causes the flagship of the fleet to lose its captain leaving his daughter Marrissa Pic-ard ... Wait a minute here, Perhaps I still can sent Captain Picard, not the one that they were expecting but I didn't say I was sending Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Marrissa Amber Picard, you are here by promoted to the field commission of Captain. You are ordered to mediate the Naklab dispute until relieved by myself or Captain Jean-Luc Picard or at the completion of this mission Admiral Necheyev. Congratulations Captain. You are permitted to draft any officers you need from the Starfleet Base on Nevolsia. Starfleet out."
“Well aren’t you the lucky one?” Alec asked. Marrissa turned to him and glowered.
“Who are you? And what are you doing on my ship?”
Alec gave her a malicious smile. “Consider me a judge—a judge of you and your actions.”
This perked Marrissa’s interest. “You mean like Q? You’re a Q?”
Eyes wide in mock shock, Alec took a step back. “Gods no! I’m nothing like Q. But there is more than one type of judge. And the Powers upstairs said that you must be judged.”
Marrissa looked at him curiously. He blew her a kiss and then walked out of the room humming to himself.
Unnoticed, he walked into the turbolift and ordered it to deck ten so that he could visit Guinan. He knew that all the adults had vanished. But he also knew that it was Q who did it (who else could it be?) and that Q would never mess with Guinan.
“You look cheerful,” Guinan said as he walked into Ten Forward.
“Do I? I feel great. It’s probably the drugs.” He sat down at the bar and began to fidget. Guinan raised an eyebrow at him. “It is the drugs.” He grinned maniacally. “I should probably take advantage of this.” Standing up he gave a stretch.
“Does this ‘taking advantage’ include Q or Marrissa?” She paused. “Or me?”
“All three.” The agent leaned over the bar. “But first I need to get you smashing drunk.”
“Not a chance,” Guinan said, and pushed Alec back onto the stool. “I need to keep my wits about me.” Alec sighed in frustration, because she did have a point.
“Too bad we can’t get Q smashed.”
“That would be... interesting.”
“Wouldn’t it?”
“So what is it exactly you are planning?” Guinan asked. Alec grinned and leaned over the bar to whisper into her ear his plan. It was a good thing that no one was in the room, because when he was done, Guinan let out a peal of laughter that filled it.
Alec decided to skip the part where they picked a doctor (who then should have been in charge of the ship, but then again, while they were on that line of thought, they could have just restaffed the ship – except for the fact that the Marrissa-verse seemed to have a permanent staff shortage, as well as logic shortage, now that he thought about it.) He walked into the ready room just after Marrissa had introduced everyone. Looking around, he scratched his stomach and let out a belch.
Marrissa winced but ignored him, putting on her best face for the judge.
"Now that everyone knows who is what, lets get down to business," Marrissa said. "For the most part this mission will be easy. With the exception of Security, Medical and myself. We are assigned to mediate the dispute over the planet Sobnia. In addition we are to provide medical assistance to the people of Sobnia. I personally will be mediate the dispute between the parties of Bresa, Troac, and Sobnia."
"They must be really desperate," Dr. Johnson said.
“You mean desperate enough to let a child mediate… no, just dumb,” Alec offered as he took an empty seat.
"They're desperate all right," Marrissa replied. "Jay will you update us on our personal problem."
"We will need about 30 more security officers and about a hundred medical personal according to Mr. Data's personal needs Analyst Program," Jay said. "We should be able to pull the personal from Nevolsia base."
“Why do you need more medical personal than Security officers? Could it be that the two-year-olds can’t reach the top of the med beds?”
"I don't think Mr. Sonak has that many doctors and nurses available," Doctor Johnson said. "He does," Marrissa said. "They are waiting for the newly commissioned Galaxy class starship Independence and the Medical ship Nightengale. Which won't arrive for a week and a month respectively. Now on to the disappearance of the regular adult members of this crew, Patterson."
"Visual Logs indicate that the crew disappeared in individual flashes of light," the young boy responded. "The transfer of command was directly from Captain Jean-Luc Picard to Marrissa Picard. This indicates lots of power was used."
“Nooooo…” Alec said, putting his feet up on the table. He pulled out another piece of gum and started chewing loudly.
"Explanations?" Marrissa asked. "Engineering?" Clara nodded negatively. "Any possibilities?"
"Possible," Clara suddenly spoke up. "Computer run a comparison of the flashes in visual logs on STARDATE 48125 with those produced by Q." "There is a 95.637% correlation," the computer responded.
"Any other possibilities," Marrissa asked. When no one spoke up she continued, "Then we will move on to shift command assignments…”
Alec spoke up here. “Actually, before that, I’d like to mention that the universe is going to implode in two minutes, the Borg have taken over Earth and turned everyone into ants and the Klingon and Romulan empires have joined forces to produce Oklahoma! The Musical, but you know what, it’s nothing important, so you just go right ahead with those shift assignments.” It was the first time Alec had ever seen a little girl with a vein about to pop on her forehead. It was actually kind of funny. He wished he had a camera to capture the moment.
“As I will be busy this mission Alpha shift will be Jay's. Gamma shift will remain Clara's and Beta will be Alexander's. Your subs if you need them will be Patterson for Alpha, Shayna for Beta, and Heather for Gamma. Any Questions? -- Then this meeting is over." The crew filed out onto the bridge, with the exception of Doctor Johnson and Patterson who when to staff their departments.
Alec took the time to go and visit with Guinan again, informing her of the latest happenings.
A hour later, Patterson entered the Bridge, "All new staff is on board," he said as he took up tactical.
"Heather set a coarse for Bresa," Marrissa ordered. Suddenly a flash appeared in front of the veiwscreen. Q had arrived. "Welcome to the Enterprise Q, I take it you are responsible for the disappearance of the regular crew of this starship."
Ignoring the fact that the Enterprise D suddenly became the Enterprise Q because of a forgotten comma, Alec waved to Q eagerly and mouthed the words, “Q, I want to talk to you.” Q gave a barely perceptible nod in agreement.
"Yes," Q replied.
"Where are they?" Marrissa asked.
"Defending a Midevil castle."
Out loud, Alec wondered, “Is that any different from a greatly evil castle?”
"When will they be back?"
"A week."
“Well that solves that mystery!” the agent said and snapped his gum again. “Drinks all around. Oh wait, you’re all kids, never mind.” Q gave him a small smirk.
"Thank you Q," Marrissa grinned. She got up and continued speaking while walking to the turbolift. "Jay you have the bridge. I'll be in my quarters. See to Q's needs and I'll see you in the mourning."
"Come back here," Q said.
"Why?" Marrissa asked as she entered the turbolift. "You've told me all I need to know." the doors closed.
"She walked out on me, no one ever walked out on me before," Q said dejectedly.
"You've never had a girl walk out on you?" Jay said. "I'm ten years old and Clara has already done that to me. For someone who knows everything you sure are inexperienced."
“It’s the Sue really,” Alec said.
"But you don't expect a Captain to walk out on a all-knowing all-powerful being," Q replied.
"What do you expect?" Jay asked. "Marrissa to tremble at your feet, get in line. Let's see you've got Lieutenant Worf and the Cardassian and Romulan Empires ahead of you."
"Popular girl," Q smiled. "I've got to get to know her better."
"Now what do you need Q?"
"Nothing really."
"Then if you don't mind leaving the bridge, I've got work to do."
"I'll leave you to your work then. Why want to grow up so fast is beyond me, though." Q vanished. Alec did too, though no one else noticed. The two of them reappeared on the saucer section of the Enterprise. Q had his arms crossed and looked down at the shorter Alec. “Well, you’ve matured some since I last saw you, though your mother wishes you’d write or visit sometime.”
Alec sighed, cursing this author and his own. The stress on the ‘Verse here was so bad that some of his own past Sue history had leaked in and everyone canon seemed to think that he was a member of the Q continuum. “I’m sure she does.” And he was; after all, the Q who thought she was his mother was really a very nice being. He was sort of fond of her, but found it easier just to break off complete contact.
“So tell me, what is going on here? Why have I stooped to the level of whining? Why is there a child in charge of the Enterprise? Why have I sent Jean-Luc on a Medieval vacation?” He spread his arms out dramatically as if imploring the heavens for such information.
“Mary Sue.”
This caught Q’s attention, and he focused onto Alec like a dragon that just caught a burglar in his hoard. “Who? Where?”
“Marrissa.”
“Marrissa? But she belongs here…”
“No, Marissa belongs here. Marrissa doesn’t,” said Alec, managing to pronounce the extra r. “Marrissa is a Sue, and it’s my job to kill her.”
“Really?”
“And torture her until I do.”
“Really?” And this was said with a modicum of interest. “Can I help?”
“Of course. I was hoping you’d ask.”
Then they were caught up in a time shift. Normally this wouldn’t have happened to Q, but since he had decided to hang around with Alec, and step slightly outside the story’s boundaries, he was affected as well.
They found themselves several days in the past when the adult crew was still around.
"Anymore items on the agenda, Number one," Captain Jean-Luc Picard asked.
"There is the matter of Captain Morris's search for officers and crew for the Independence," Commander Riker said. "
“Ahh yes, the eternal search for people in the Marrissa-verse; it is believed that logic is so faulty here that adults just randomly vanish, much like socks in a dryer, leading to the obvious,” and that word was said with much sarcasm, “solution of having children run ships.” Q looked at him queerly. “There was a television show known as Mystery Science Theatre 3000; I suggest you watch it.”
“Later, perhaps.”
“Who has been approached?" Picard asked.
“I turned down the first officer's position," Doctor Crusher said. "Why it was offered to me is beyond me."
"I turned down that position as well," Data said. "However my assistant, Lieutenant Gordon has accepted the second officer's position."
"I turned that position down," Worf said.
"I decided against the first officer's position myself," La Forge said.
"I'm still thinking about the offer of first officer," Counselor Troi stated. All eyes turned toward her. "It's not something one can easily pass up."
Alec rolled his eyes. “Apparently it was; either that or this captain Morris has a major case of cooties.”
Suddenly a flash filled the room. When it had subsided the room had changed. The walls and floor were stone. Maps covered the walls and the table was a scale model of a two-castle town and the surrounding countryside. The uniforms of the command crew had changed as well. Captain Picard was wearing purple robes and a gold crown with a large ruby at the front. Riker sported black armor with a red loin emblazoned on it. Data and Troi were dressed as archers. La Forge was arrayed as a blacksmith. Worf sported chainmail and was holding his Klingon Bat'leth. Dr. Crusher had apparently became Sister Beverly, judging from her habit.
"What the hell," Picard exclaimed.
Q looked over at Alec. “Picard doesn’t curse like that.” Alec shrugged.
"Q, it has to be Q," Riker said. A flash occurred by the door and Q entered the room.
"You called, Your Royal Highness," he said. Q was dressed like the Pope saying Easter Mass.
“I remember doing this...” Q said thoughtfully, rather like he was waking up from amnesia and realizing he was covered in blood, holding a bloody butcher knife and surrounded by corpses of dead men while police aimed guns at him. “But I don’t recall why...” He watched himself exchange the author’s idea of witty banter with Picard with a sickening expression.
"What are you up to this time Q?" Captain Picard asked.
"Always to the point Jean-Luc," Q said. "The continuum has commissioned me to make a full report on humans, before you destroy yourselves. In this encounter you will be, how do you humans put it, ah, killing two birds with one stone. I've increased the size of my samples and I see how well today's humans can defend themselves."
“Why would I want to do that?”
Again, Alec shrugged.
"And how are you going to do that?" Picard asked.
"Simplicity itself," Q replied, "you and 915 of you closest friends will be defending this midevil castle town you see before you. You have been given the following jobs; Picard you are the King, Riker, Prince and Commander of the Town Garrison; Data, Master Archer; Troi, Master Hunter; Dr. Crusher, the nun in charge of the hospital; Worf Master Swordsman; La Forge Master Weaponsmith. In addition to the entire adult compliment of your ships the crews of the Brattain, Tian Nan Men, Hemingway and Miranda will assist you as the crews of sailing ships." "Tomorrow at dawn the enemy will attack," Q continued. "You will if you are successful, defend this place until the seventh day dawns. The rest of your crew awaits you in the castle courtyard. The Captains of the sailing ships are waiting for you at the harbor keep."
“And how is that simple?
"Who is in command of the Enterprise Q?" Picard asked.
Q remained silent. "Who Q?"
"All right I didn't want to inform you yet but you insisted," Q replied. "Your daughter, Marrissa, is in command. In about an hour Admiral Okie will be appointing her Captain by field promotion. She will mediate the Naklab dispute much better than you." With that Q departed.
"Well it looks like we better get down to business," Captain Picard said. "We've got 3 gates to defend, North Bridge, West Bridge and South Gate. We will need experienced swordsmen to command at each gate."
"I suggest Lieutenants Worf, Barclay, and Dean," Commander Riker said.
"Agreed," Picard ordered. "Worf you have South Gate. Chose 75 people for each gate. Data, Troi organize archery units. Riker form a sortie group, but first brief the rest of the crew. La Forge find the weapons room and get them disturbed, then take a group of engineers on a tour of the wall to see if anything can be improved. I'll be at the Harbor Keep briefing the starship captains Q mentioned."
Q stared at Picard, for once openly in shock. “Who is he? And what has he done with my Picard? My Captain Picard would never willingly go along with one of my schemes. And this is not one of my schemes.”
“I know.”
“I’ve got to fix this.” He raised a hand to snap his fingers; Alec’s eyes widened in fear, not knowing what would happen. The fingers snapped. There was a flash of light. Q disappeared.
“Q?” Alec asked, looking around for the vanished super-being.
“I’m down here.”
Alec looked down. There was an angry-looking mouse by his feet. He bent down and picked up the rodent. “Oh my flaming gods. That was unexpected.”
“You’re telling me?” Q said, his nose wiggling furiously.
“Can’t you turn back?”
“Don’t you think I tried?”
“Firebolts,” Alec cursed before slipping Q onto his shoulder. “Come on, let’s follow the captain—I mean king—and see what happens.”
Captain Picard arrived at the Harbor Keep a small castle-like fort in gray marble over looking the gated harbor. The journey thought town had been a pleasant one. He had gone though small streets to the large harbor complex. On his way in Jean-Luc Picard noticed the ships. They were two masted affairs with white sails. On the top of the first mast flew the seal of the United Federation of Planets on a white background, the second, the Starfleet insignia in red and white on black. The ships were named Brattain, Hemingway, Miranda, and Tian Nan Men. As Picard entered the main room of the keep, he spotted four people dressed like Q had been when he had first appeared on the Enterprise over seven years ago. The worked well on to two of them, but on the other two it was not so. In fact it was positively sloppy on the half Vulcan captain of the Miranda, T'Gwen Washington.
"Captain Picard what are you doing here?" Captain Phillip Andrews of the Brittain asked.
"Yes-es, I thought you were mediating the Naklab dispute," Captain Yuki Yoshida of the Tian Nan Men stated.
"I was to, but Q decided that I needed I more challenging week," Picard replied.
"So Q is behind this mess," Captain Victoria Ohlin of the Hemingway said. "I always wanted to meet that entity."
"Q, all powerful, all knowing entity, and member of the Q continuum at your service," Q said form behind Picard. All the Captains spun around to face him. He was sitting at a table labeled meet John de Lance a.k.a. Q, 10am to noon, B Dalton Booksellers. Photos were spread out before him.
Alec and mouse Q stared at this. “I don’t remember doing this. And who is John De Lance?”
“De Lancie... De Lancie!” Alec muttered, “Excuse me for a second.” He walked over to one of the wooden posts on the dock and began to bang his head against one of them as the possessed Q continued to blather.
“Does that help?”
“No, not really.” He reached into a pocket and pulled out another couple of pills. He popped them into his mouth and shook his battered head. “Right then... I can do this.”
"You've wondered why I have chosen to include you in my latest study of the crew of the Enterprise," Q said. "You were chosen because I was ordered to expand the subjects of my study. Your ships in particular were chosen due to your crews extensive sailing experience. For instance Yuki here won the America's cup for his native Japan last year."
“And exactly how does that qualify him to run a two-masted ancient war ship?” Q asked.
“No one really knows.”
"So you have taken the crew of my ship and four of my fellow starship captains, to conduct research into human behavior," Captain T'Gwen Washington of the Miranda said. "Are there not more logical and more effective ways to conduct research?"
"Yes, but none as fun."
Depressingly, Alec and Mouse Q (who asked Alec not to go back down to Ten Forward; he couldn’t bare for Guinan to see him like this) ended up back on the Enterprise, where Marrissa was just about to start her first mediation session.
"Good Morning, everyone," Marrissa said. "Sorry I'm late."
"WHO ARE YOU?" bellowed the chubby Troac negotiator, Sel Rahc Ekael.
“That’s the Mary Sue of our story,” Alec said, coming in behind her, Q still on his shoulder. He found a seat and settled down to watch one of the most depressing and idiotic sessions involving diplomats and a twelve-year-old girl he had ever seen. The negotiators went right along with the girl because they were her creations, and like good little puppets, they did what she wanted. There was the Sue’s justification on why she should be leading the negotiations and the negotiators’ appropriate reactions to such news. There was also a small fistfight involving Marrissa and the shouting negotiator, and then they broke for lunch.
“That,” Alec said, “was depressing.” So depressing that he reached for another pair of Prozac pills.
“You’re telling me.”
“Now,” Alec said, looking at the words, “we get to watch the slaughter of innocent Romulans.”
And it was a slaughter, it was. Alec and Q watched as a battle as badly put together as a three-year-old child’s LEGO tower and with as much blood and slaughter as the last two Lord of the Rings movies combined sprinkled with some from Master and Commander. Sitting in the air with a bag of popcorn, Alec watched it like a movie. A very, very bad movie, but a movie nonetheless.
“What I would like to know,” Q said at one point, “is exactly how all those Romulans knew how to use the ancient Earth-specific boats.”
“It’s called a plot hole.”
“Is that where these Starfleet officers got the knowledge to use archaic weaponry too?”
“Yup.”
“Fascinating,” Q said. “Hand me another popcorn kernel.”
-=-
It was another “negotiation” session. Alec had been enjoying it, especially with Q stuck as a mouse. Apparently Marrissa was afraid of the small furry critters. So Q had spent a good part of the meeting right in front of her, and she could do nothing about it because no one else could see him. Alec, on the other hand, had drawn up charts indicating how stupid she was, and when that got boring, he started impersonating who ever was speaking. Q, seeing this, started impersonating him impersonating them.
"You control Sobnia, ha! Troac can't even administrate a small section of an asteroid belt," Sel Rahc Selaw said.
Alec mimicked every word he said with large extravagant gestures.
Marrissa was beginning to get a headache. The ambassadors agreed on nothing but to agree to disagree. She knew now why the other mediators had failed—they were driven insane by the illogical and insane statements and proposals of the Naklab Sel Rahcs.
"AT LEAST MY PLANET DIDN'T INVADE ANOTHER, WITHOUT A DECLARATION OF WAR," Sel Rahc Ekeal responded angrily.
Alec stuck his finger into his left ear and wiggled it. Sel Rahc Ekeal had yelled right into his ear. The finger came out with a bit of wax, which he wiped on the table. Marrissa adjourned for lunch.
Alec and Q followed, singing a rousing duet of ninety-nine bottles of Romulan Ale on the wall.
The turbolift opened onto the bridge.
Q and Alec fell silent.
"Ah! my young captain, how nice of you to join us," Q said from the counselor's seat. "I was just showing your first officer some of the regular command crew's encounters with me while I waited for you." Q gestured at the viewscreen. Captain Picard was fighting Sir Guy.
Sir Guy said as their swords crossed, "I'll have you know I'm the greatest swordsman in all of Nottingham." A fury of sword clashes followed. As there swords crossed again Picard replied,
"Very Impressive. There is something you should know ... I'm not from Nottingham." the Captain finished off Sir Guy. The viewscreen returned to its view of Sobnia.
"I've put all of my encounters with humans into this computer," Q said. "Take a look some time, you may find them entertaining."
“Who is that and why does he look like me?”
“That is you, or you if you hadn’t stepped out of the story. The Narrative must have created a faux you to move the plot along.”
“Faux me indeed, the resemblance is barely there.” Q huffed. Alec caught himself before saying, well yes, that’s because you look like a mouse.
"That's nice Q," Captain Marrissa Picard said. "Computer begin recording the bridge for transmission to Starfleet Exploratory, Admiral Necheyev. Q, are you responsible for disappearance of the crews of the Brattain, Hemingway, Miranda, and Tain Nan Men?"
"Yes, Why do you ask?" Q responded.
"Just a hunch," Marrissa said.
“Actually it was blindingly obvious.”
"Where are they?"
"They are providing naval support to Captain Picard's defense of a midevil castle-town," Q replied.
“And I would never be that obvious!”
“You know what, screw this,” Alec said. “I’ve got enough charges for three Sues.” Straightening up, he dusted himself off and cleared his throat loudly. Marrissa and Faux Q (as well as the rest of the bridge crew) turned to look at him. “I’ve seen enough,” he said when he had everyone’s attention. Marrissa looked at him eagerly, expecting an excellent report from her so-called judge.
“Marrissa Amber Picard, you are hereby charged with the following: Being a Mary Sue, changing canon so that children know how to run a starship, making admirals idiots… more so than usual… Making it a good idea for having a child run complicated and delicate negotiations, making the disappearance of the real crew an item of no importance, mangling the character of everyone you’ve come in contact with, creating stupid names for planets, numerous abuses of the English Language, continued use of a mini Vulcan Teddy Bear as a replacement for Tasha Yar (that’s one “r”) causing a people shortage in the Federation, turning Picard into a blood thirsty slaughter monger, needless violence against Romulans, creating more plot-holes that should be decent, doing a bad job of breaking the fourth wall, for abuse of the common comma, for abuse of the word “their,” creating a mini-thespian and turning Q into a mouse. For this and other crimes, you are doomed to die. Any last words?” Alec sucked in a huge gulp of air.
Marrissa stared at him, confused. “What do you mean doomed to die? I can’t die! Who’s going to finish negotiations?”
“Not you darling,” Alec drawled. “Not you at all.” The mouse Q jumped off his shoulder and ran to the puppet Q. There was an odd flash of Slimpic light and then Q was standing before him, hale and whole.
“Ahhh much better.” He looked over at Alec. “If I may have this one? Please?” Alec was silent for a whole half a second before shrugging.
“Sure, why not?”
Q grinned. “My dear Sue, you are about to be evolved into a higher life form.” Marrissa’s eyes widened and she shot Alec a grin of smug delight. Q snapped his fingers. Marrissa vanished in a flash of Slimpic light, blinding everyone on the bridge. When the light cleared, Marrissa was gone. Where she had been standing was an Orion wing-slug. Alec stared down at it.
“Higher life form. Right, good.” Alec said as he reached down to pick up the slug. He stared at it for a second before dropping it into his pack. “Canon should be snapping back into place soon, so I better get going.”
“You aren’t going to stop by and say hello to your mother?” Q asked.
“Can’t, have to dispose of the slug, maybe later...” Alec said as he fumbled for his portal device. He pushed the button and the portal opened up. “Bye now.” He leapt through the portal back to headquarters.
Once the portal closed Alec fished out the slug. He dropped it onto the computer console and after a few minutes found a small plastic container. The slug was properly deposited into the container. “Come on you, off to school with you.” Humming, he left the office, slug in hand, headed for the Star Trek Fan Fiction University, where he was sure Marrissa would be “well” cared for.
This mission also seems to reference another mission Alec had with Verra Rose, in which Verra left early and took the remote activator with her, leaving Alec stranded and traumatized. This mission, if it was actually published, does not survive either. It also mentions a "Star Trek Fan Fiction University," which doesn't survive, and a previously unknown Star Trek mini, the Vulcan Teddy Bear.
The archivist has done editing in this mission, primarily adding commas and italicizing the name of the Enterprise. The mission uses the phrase, "Slimpic light," which confuses the archivist, so it has been left alone for now.
The mission, and the author note below, were written by Kippur. The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. The badfic "Who Q? Where Q?" belongs to Stephen Ratliff. Star Trek: The Next Generation belongs to Gene Roddenberry.
This mission is rated PG for very minor innuendos and discussion of alcohol.
The Many Deaths of Marrissa Picard: "Q-uesting"
by Kippur
In which Agent Alec Troven is put on Prozac.
Disclaimer: Star Trek, not mine. Marrissa, gods! Not mine. Alec, yeah he’s mine. PPC, just playing with it.
-=-=-
In the depths of the PPC where even the Agents feared to go, Alec sat with the head of the Fictional Psychology department going through the Ink Blot test. Alec had just come back from a particularly traumatizing mission, and Upstairs wanted to make sure that he was sane. Well, as sane as he was before he left on the mission, and not any more likely to go through the hallways with a flame-thrower.
“Turnip.”
“And this one?”
“Badger.”
“And this one.”
“Mushroom.”
“And this one.”
“My wife in a bitchy mood right after she finds out that I canceled her subscription to Better Homes.”
The amazing thing, Dr. Freedenburg noticed, was that Alec somehow managed to give the same exact answers to the same exact cards that he did when he was first tested. He figured that this meant that Alec was sane. But just to be sure... “I’m going to put you on Prozac, just for the next mission. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Prozac?” Alec said uncertainly as the Doctor handed over a bottle of pills. “Are you sure that’s a good idea.”
“Of course,” the doctor said with a sort of voice that said that Alec had just insulted him. The agent sighed and took the pills, slipping them into his pocket. They couldn’t be too bad, right? And the doctor did know what he was doing, right?
Later:
Alec popped two of the Prozac pills and stood nervously in front of the portal. Before him stood the way into the Marrissa-verse. The one place he didn’t want to go. The one place he had to go. He hefted his pack, feeling the weight of it reassure him. He had checked it three times already for the portal generator. It was still there. Verra had apologized most… nicely … when he had returned for removing it and trapping him in the fic. He was still a little sore from some of the apology. Taking a deep breath, he clutched the handle of his sword, feeling the reassuring realness of the leather and metal. Then he stepped through.
Into darkness. He froze and tightened as a girl’s voice began to speak:
Space ... the final frontier. There are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her mission, to seek out new life, new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. At least that is what the Enterprise is suppose to be doing. Lately all the new life the Enterprise has seen is Nurse Ogawa's new baby. The civilization we are working with this time is centuries old. As for going were no one has gone before, the Enterprise hasn't done that in over a year. But then again a twelve and a half year old doesn't usually command a diplomatic mission either. That surprises you doesn't it? Then let me introduce myself. I am Marrissa Amber Picard, adopted daughter of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and commander of the Enterprise's Kid's crew. I hold the rank of Ensign in Starfleet with all rights and privileges that entails. I have commanded two ships at various times (the Maine and the Enterprise saucer section.) for a total of 2 weeks. At this time I have 54 hours of Starfleet Academy credit. In fact I was completing 3 of those hours; Tactics 360, Diplomatic Negotiation; when this began. I was waiting for my father, Captain Picard, by Holodeck Six ...
The darkness cleared and he found himself in the hallway, fortunately behind Marrissa. He blocked the urge to go running and screaming down the hallway in terror. He was Alexander Raven Troven. He was an ex-Sue. He was the Physical Embodiment of Chaos for the entire Multiverse. He would not be frightened by a child. He would not be frightened by a Sue.
"I wish Dad would hurry up and get here so I can get this over with," Marrissa muttered. "Computer what time is it?"
"1530,"
"He's a half a hour late," She fumed. "Computer locate Captain Picard."
"Captain Jean-Luc Picard is not aboard the Enterprise."
"Computer who is presently in command of the Enterprise."
"The Senior officer aboard, Ensign Marrissa Amber Picard."
“There’s a cliff hanger if I ever heard of one,” Alec said softly and prepared himself for the time shift. His life flashed before his eyes, and when they cleared, he was on the bridge. He shook his head and began to hum a little song as he started to feel a lot better.
"Computer, records search, determine the precise time the command crew disappeared and link all visual records covering that time for tactical's review," Marrissa said as Patterson Supra, the new chief of Security arrived. "Patterson, I want to know exactly who or what caused these disappearances."
"Aye, sir," Patterson replied. Clara Sutter arrived next. The Chief Engineer and Second Officer was wearing the new yellow and blue security and engineering outfit as she reported,
"Engineering is staffed. Shayna and I could find no engineering reason for the disappearances- yet."
Alec gave a snort of contempt. He really didn’t think children could understand the intricacies of engineering any more than they could run a star ship. And besides, what sort of engineering accident would selectively cause all the adults to vanish? Any idiot would know that. He mentioned this to Marrissa. Her eyes, at seeing him, went wide in shock, but she managed to keep her composure. Alec let out a high-pitch giggle.
Jay Gordon, the first officer, arrived in the red and blue command uniform. "Duty schedule is posted," he said. "Alpha shift is reporting for duty. I have assigned people to take care of the younger children and feed all the pets. Note that security will handle the pet feeding for the rest of the voyage."
“Younger children? How young would that be? Infants? Or wouldn’t you need them for security?” Alec snarked happily; this was the greatest he had felt in days.
"Notation made, Number One," Marrissa said as the chief of operations, Alexander and the CONN Officer, Heather Cowhig, arrived.
“Moooooo…”
"Jay you have the bridge. I am going to see about our mission."
Following her, Alec commented, “You mean you aren’t going to look for the adults? I mean, that is important right? You do care about your supposed father, don’t you?” The Sue’s fists clenched in anger as she entered the Captain’s office.
"Computer, open a channel to Admiral Okie at Starfleet Diplomatic San Francisco," Marrissa ordered. Admiral Edward Okie, middle aged man with a handle bar mustache appeared on screen. "Admiral Okie this is Ensign Marrissa Picard, presently in command of the Enterprise."
"Where is Captain Picard?" Okie asked.
“Marrissa ate him.”
"All I know is that the computer tells me that I am the only officer left," Marrissa responded. "Engineering problems have been ruled out though."
"What happened?"
"The adult crew has disappeared," Marrissa said. "No one over the age of 18 is left on board. We have no medical crew, a slim security staff, but elsewhere we have sufficient staff."
At this Alec let out a cheerful laugh. “Oh yes, because, you know, a bunch of untrained children know how to run a starship.”
"Just how much do you know about the Naklab Situation?" Admiral Okie asked, curious.
If this was any other time, Logic would have given a large hiccup and fled, but it was too late. Logic had long since left the universe. Rather pleased that something nasty didn’t happen, Alec pulled out a piece of gum and began to chew and snap it noisily. Marrissa began to twitch. The Admiral gave her a funny look, but when Marrissa began to speak, he calmed down.
"The Naklab system has four inhabited class M planets, Bresa, Troac, Nevolsia, and Sobnia," Marrissa said. "They were colonized by people from the Balkan area on Earth The current situation involves everyone but Nevolsia. Bres and Troac both claim Sobnia. Sobnia has declared independence. The Bres have Sobnia's capital under siege. The only thing that is keeping this tinderbox from erupting in flames is the promise from all sides that they will not open or advance hostilities during negotiation."
“Now, children, let’s see who can tell me how idiotic the Author is; after all, everyone knows that problems such as nationality strife that was found in the twentieth century Balkans doesn’t exist in today’s Earth, so that such a thing as this plot device has the likelihood of what, happening?” Alec chirruped while still snapping his gum.
"You keep well informed," Okie said. "Your Captain was to be the thirteenth mediator we sent. All previous mediators either gave up or left in a box. Only the promise that we would send Captain Picard of the Enterprise kept them from resuming hostilities this time. Now it looks like the children in the tinderbox have found the matches."
"Perhaps not," Marrissa tentatively suggested.
"Of coarse it's a complete disaster," Okie said. "Something causes the flagship of the fleet to lose its captain leaving his daughter Marrissa Pic-ard ... Wait a minute here, Perhaps I still can sent Captain Picard, not the one that they were expecting but I didn't say I was sending Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Marrissa Amber Picard, you are here by promoted to the field commission of Captain. You are ordered to mediate the Naklab dispute until relieved by myself or Captain Jean-Luc Picard or at the completion of this mission Admiral Necheyev. Congratulations Captain. You are permitted to draft any officers you need from the Starfleet Base on Nevolsia. Starfleet out."
“Well aren’t you the lucky one?” Alec asked. Marrissa turned to him and glowered.
“Who are you? And what are you doing on my ship?”
Alec gave her a malicious smile. “Consider me a judge—a judge of you and your actions.”
This perked Marrissa’s interest. “You mean like Q? You’re a Q?”
Eyes wide in mock shock, Alec took a step back. “Gods no! I’m nothing like Q. But there is more than one type of judge. And the Powers upstairs said that you must be judged.”
Marrissa looked at him curiously. He blew her a kiss and then walked out of the room humming to himself.
Unnoticed, he walked into the turbolift and ordered it to deck ten so that he could visit Guinan. He knew that all the adults had vanished. But he also knew that it was Q who did it (who else could it be?) and that Q would never mess with Guinan.
“You look cheerful,” Guinan said as he walked into Ten Forward.
“Do I? I feel great. It’s probably the drugs.” He sat down at the bar and began to fidget. Guinan raised an eyebrow at him. “It is the drugs.” He grinned maniacally. “I should probably take advantage of this.” Standing up he gave a stretch.
“Does this ‘taking advantage’ include Q or Marrissa?” She paused. “Or me?”
“All three.” The agent leaned over the bar. “But first I need to get you smashing drunk.”
“Not a chance,” Guinan said, and pushed Alec back onto the stool. “I need to keep my wits about me.” Alec sighed in frustration, because she did have a point.
“Too bad we can’t get Q smashed.”
“That would be... interesting.”
“Wouldn’t it?”
“So what is it exactly you are planning?” Guinan asked. Alec grinned and leaned over the bar to whisper into her ear his plan. It was a good thing that no one was in the room, because when he was done, Guinan let out a peal of laughter that filled it.
Alec decided to skip the part where they picked a doctor (who then should have been in charge of the ship, but then again, while they were on that line of thought, they could have just restaffed the ship – except for the fact that the Marrissa-verse seemed to have a permanent staff shortage, as well as logic shortage, now that he thought about it.) He walked into the ready room just after Marrissa had introduced everyone. Looking around, he scratched his stomach and let out a belch.
Marrissa winced but ignored him, putting on her best face for the judge.
"Now that everyone knows who is what, lets get down to business," Marrissa said. "For the most part this mission will be easy. With the exception of Security, Medical and myself. We are assigned to mediate the dispute over the planet Sobnia. In addition we are to provide medical assistance to the people of Sobnia. I personally will be mediate the dispute between the parties of Bresa, Troac, and Sobnia."
"They must be really desperate," Dr. Johnson said.
“You mean desperate enough to let a child mediate… no, just dumb,” Alec offered as he took an empty seat.
"They're desperate all right," Marrissa replied. "Jay will you update us on our personal problem."
"We will need about 30 more security officers and about a hundred medical personal according to Mr. Data's personal needs Analyst Program," Jay said. "We should be able to pull the personal from Nevolsia base."
“Why do you need more medical personal than Security officers? Could it be that the two-year-olds can’t reach the top of the med beds?”
"I don't think Mr. Sonak has that many doctors and nurses available," Doctor Johnson said. "He does," Marrissa said. "They are waiting for the newly commissioned Galaxy class starship Independence and the Medical ship Nightengale. Which won't arrive for a week and a month respectively. Now on to the disappearance of the regular adult members of this crew, Patterson."
"Visual Logs indicate that the crew disappeared in individual flashes of light," the young boy responded. "The transfer of command was directly from Captain Jean-Luc Picard to Marrissa Picard. This indicates lots of power was used."
“Nooooo…” Alec said, putting his feet up on the table. He pulled out another piece of gum and started chewing loudly.
"Explanations?" Marrissa asked. "Engineering?" Clara nodded negatively. "Any possibilities?"
"Possible," Clara suddenly spoke up. "Computer run a comparison of the flashes in visual logs on STARDATE 48125 with those produced by Q." "There is a 95.637% correlation," the computer responded.
"Any other possibilities," Marrissa asked. When no one spoke up she continued, "Then we will move on to shift command assignments…”
Alec spoke up here. “Actually, before that, I’d like to mention that the universe is going to implode in two minutes, the Borg have taken over Earth and turned everyone into ants and the Klingon and Romulan empires have joined forces to produce Oklahoma! The Musical, but you know what, it’s nothing important, so you just go right ahead with those shift assignments.” It was the first time Alec had ever seen a little girl with a vein about to pop on her forehead. It was actually kind of funny. He wished he had a camera to capture the moment.
“As I will be busy this mission Alpha shift will be Jay's. Gamma shift will remain Clara's and Beta will be Alexander's. Your subs if you need them will be Patterson for Alpha, Shayna for Beta, and Heather for Gamma. Any Questions? -- Then this meeting is over." The crew filed out onto the bridge, with the exception of Doctor Johnson and Patterson who when to staff their departments.
Alec took the time to go and visit with Guinan again, informing her of the latest happenings.
A hour later, Patterson entered the Bridge, "All new staff is on board," he said as he took up tactical.
"Heather set a coarse for Bresa," Marrissa ordered. Suddenly a flash appeared in front of the veiwscreen. Q had arrived. "Welcome to the Enterprise Q, I take it you are responsible for the disappearance of the regular crew of this starship."
Ignoring the fact that the Enterprise D suddenly became the Enterprise Q because of a forgotten comma, Alec waved to Q eagerly and mouthed the words, “Q, I want to talk to you.” Q gave a barely perceptible nod in agreement.
"Yes," Q replied.
"Where are they?" Marrissa asked.
"Defending a Midevil castle."
Out loud, Alec wondered, “Is that any different from a greatly evil castle?”
"When will they be back?"
"A week."
“Well that solves that mystery!” the agent said and snapped his gum again. “Drinks all around. Oh wait, you’re all kids, never mind.” Q gave him a small smirk.
"Thank you Q," Marrissa grinned. She got up and continued speaking while walking to the turbolift. "Jay you have the bridge. I'll be in my quarters. See to Q's needs and I'll see you in the mourning."
"Come back here," Q said.
"Why?" Marrissa asked as she entered the turbolift. "You've told me all I need to know." the doors closed.
"She walked out on me, no one ever walked out on me before," Q said dejectedly.
"You've never had a girl walk out on you?" Jay said. "I'm ten years old and Clara has already done that to me. For someone who knows everything you sure are inexperienced."
“It’s the Sue really,” Alec said.
"But you don't expect a Captain to walk out on a all-knowing all-powerful being," Q replied.
"What do you expect?" Jay asked. "Marrissa to tremble at your feet, get in line. Let's see you've got Lieutenant Worf and the Cardassian and Romulan Empires ahead of you."
"Popular girl," Q smiled. "I've got to get to know her better."
"Now what do you need Q?"
"Nothing really."
"Then if you don't mind leaving the bridge, I've got work to do."
"I'll leave you to your work then. Why want to grow up so fast is beyond me, though." Q vanished. Alec did too, though no one else noticed. The two of them reappeared on the saucer section of the Enterprise. Q had his arms crossed and looked down at the shorter Alec. “Well, you’ve matured some since I last saw you, though your mother wishes you’d write or visit sometime.”
Alec sighed, cursing this author and his own. The stress on the ‘Verse here was so bad that some of his own past Sue history had leaked in and everyone canon seemed to think that he was a member of the Q continuum. “I’m sure she does.” And he was; after all, the Q who thought she was his mother was really a very nice being. He was sort of fond of her, but found it easier just to break off complete contact.
“So tell me, what is going on here? Why have I stooped to the level of whining? Why is there a child in charge of the Enterprise? Why have I sent Jean-Luc on a Medieval vacation?” He spread his arms out dramatically as if imploring the heavens for such information.
“Mary Sue.”
This caught Q’s attention, and he focused onto Alec like a dragon that just caught a burglar in his hoard. “Who? Where?”
“Marrissa.”
“Marrissa? But she belongs here…”
“No, Marissa belongs here. Marrissa doesn’t,” said Alec, managing to pronounce the extra r. “Marrissa is a Sue, and it’s my job to kill her.”
“Really?”
“And torture her until I do.”
“Really?” And this was said with a modicum of interest. “Can I help?”
“Of course. I was hoping you’d ask.”
Then they were caught up in a time shift. Normally this wouldn’t have happened to Q, but since he had decided to hang around with Alec, and step slightly outside the story’s boundaries, he was affected as well.
They found themselves several days in the past when the adult crew was still around.
"Anymore items on the agenda, Number one," Captain Jean-Luc Picard asked.
"There is the matter of Captain Morris's search for officers and crew for the Independence," Commander Riker said. "
“Ahh yes, the eternal search for people in the Marrissa-verse; it is believed that logic is so faulty here that adults just randomly vanish, much like socks in a dryer, leading to the obvious,” and that word was said with much sarcasm, “solution of having children run ships.” Q looked at him queerly. “There was a television show known as Mystery Science Theatre 3000; I suggest you watch it.”
“Later, perhaps.”
“Who has been approached?" Picard asked.
“I turned down the first officer's position," Doctor Crusher said. "Why it was offered to me is beyond me."
"I turned down that position as well," Data said. "However my assistant, Lieutenant Gordon has accepted the second officer's position."
"I turned that position down," Worf said.
"I decided against the first officer's position myself," La Forge said.
"I'm still thinking about the offer of first officer," Counselor Troi stated. All eyes turned toward her. "It's not something one can easily pass up."
Alec rolled his eyes. “Apparently it was; either that or this captain Morris has a major case of cooties.”
Suddenly a flash filled the room. When it had subsided the room had changed. The walls and floor were stone. Maps covered the walls and the table was a scale model of a two-castle town and the surrounding countryside. The uniforms of the command crew had changed as well. Captain Picard was wearing purple robes and a gold crown with a large ruby at the front. Riker sported black armor with a red loin emblazoned on it. Data and Troi were dressed as archers. La Forge was arrayed as a blacksmith. Worf sported chainmail and was holding his Klingon Bat'leth. Dr. Crusher had apparently became Sister Beverly, judging from her habit.
"What the hell," Picard exclaimed.
Q looked over at Alec. “Picard doesn’t curse like that.” Alec shrugged.
"Q, it has to be Q," Riker said. A flash occurred by the door and Q entered the room.
"You called, Your Royal Highness," he said. Q was dressed like the Pope saying Easter Mass.
“I remember doing this...” Q said thoughtfully, rather like he was waking up from amnesia and realizing he was covered in blood, holding a bloody butcher knife and surrounded by corpses of dead men while police aimed guns at him. “But I don’t recall why...” He watched himself exchange the author’s idea of witty banter with Picard with a sickening expression.
"What are you up to this time Q?" Captain Picard asked.
"Always to the point Jean-Luc," Q said. "The continuum has commissioned me to make a full report on humans, before you destroy yourselves. In this encounter you will be, how do you humans put it, ah, killing two birds with one stone. I've increased the size of my samples and I see how well today's humans can defend themselves."
“Why would I want to do that?”
Again, Alec shrugged.
"And how are you going to do that?" Picard asked.
"Simplicity itself," Q replied, "you and 915 of you closest friends will be defending this midevil castle town you see before you. You have been given the following jobs; Picard you are the King, Riker, Prince and Commander of the Town Garrison; Data, Master Archer; Troi, Master Hunter; Dr. Crusher, the nun in charge of the hospital; Worf Master Swordsman; La Forge Master Weaponsmith. In addition to the entire adult compliment of your ships the crews of the Brattain, Tian Nan Men, Hemingway and Miranda will assist you as the crews of sailing ships." "Tomorrow at dawn the enemy will attack," Q continued. "You will if you are successful, defend this place until the seventh day dawns. The rest of your crew awaits you in the castle courtyard. The Captains of the sailing ships are waiting for you at the harbor keep."
“And how is that simple?
"Who is in command of the Enterprise Q?" Picard asked.
Q remained silent. "Who Q?"
"All right I didn't want to inform you yet but you insisted," Q replied. "Your daughter, Marrissa, is in command. In about an hour Admiral Okie will be appointing her Captain by field promotion. She will mediate the Naklab dispute much better than you." With that Q departed.
"Well it looks like we better get down to business," Captain Picard said. "We've got 3 gates to defend, North Bridge, West Bridge and South Gate. We will need experienced swordsmen to command at each gate."
"I suggest Lieutenants Worf, Barclay, and Dean," Commander Riker said.
"Agreed," Picard ordered. "Worf you have South Gate. Chose 75 people for each gate. Data, Troi organize archery units. Riker form a sortie group, but first brief the rest of the crew. La Forge find the weapons room and get them disturbed, then take a group of engineers on a tour of the wall to see if anything can be improved. I'll be at the Harbor Keep briefing the starship captains Q mentioned."
Q stared at Picard, for once openly in shock. “Who is he? And what has he done with my Picard? My Captain Picard would never willingly go along with one of my schemes. And this is not one of my schemes.”
“I know.”
“I’ve got to fix this.” He raised a hand to snap his fingers; Alec’s eyes widened in fear, not knowing what would happen. The fingers snapped. There was a flash of light. Q disappeared.
“Q?” Alec asked, looking around for the vanished super-being.
“I’m down here.”
Alec looked down. There was an angry-looking mouse by his feet. He bent down and picked up the rodent. “Oh my flaming gods. That was unexpected.”
“You’re telling me?” Q said, his nose wiggling furiously.
“Can’t you turn back?”
“Don’t you think I tried?”
“Firebolts,” Alec cursed before slipping Q onto his shoulder. “Come on, let’s follow the captain—I mean king—and see what happens.”
Captain Picard arrived at the Harbor Keep a small castle-like fort in gray marble over looking the gated harbor. The journey thought town had been a pleasant one. He had gone though small streets to the large harbor complex. On his way in Jean-Luc Picard noticed the ships. They were two masted affairs with white sails. On the top of the first mast flew the seal of the United Federation of Planets on a white background, the second, the Starfleet insignia in red and white on black. The ships were named Brattain, Hemingway, Miranda, and Tian Nan Men. As Picard entered the main room of the keep, he spotted four people dressed like Q had been when he had first appeared on the Enterprise over seven years ago. The worked well on to two of them, but on the other two it was not so. In fact it was positively sloppy on the half Vulcan captain of the Miranda, T'Gwen Washington.
"Captain Picard what are you doing here?" Captain Phillip Andrews of the Brittain asked.
"Yes-es, I thought you were mediating the Naklab dispute," Captain Yuki Yoshida of the Tian Nan Men stated.
"I was to, but Q decided that I needed I more challenging week," Picard replied.
"So Q is behind this mess," Captain Victoria Ohlin of the Hemingway said. "I always wanted to meet that entity."
"Q, all powerful, all knowing entity, and member of the Q continuum at your service," Q said form behind Picard. All the Captains spun around to face him. He was sitting at a table labeled meet John de Lance a.k.a. Q, 10am to noon, B Dalton Booksellers. Photos were spread out before him.
Alec and mouse Q stared at this. “I don’t remember doing this. And who is John De Lance?”
“De Lancie... De Lancie!” Alec muttered, “Excuse me for a second.” He walked over to one of the wooden posts on the dock and began to bang his head against one of them as the possessed Q continued to blather.
“Does that help?”
“No, not really.” He reached into a pocket and pulled out another couple of pills. He popped them into his mouth and shook his battered head. “Right then... I can do this.”
"You've wondered why I have chosen to include you in my latest study of the crew of the Enterprise," Q said. "You were chosen because I was ordered to expand the subjects of my study. Your ships in particular were chosen due to your crews extensive sailing experience. For instance Yuki here won the America's cup for his native Japan last year."
“And exactly how does that qualify him to run a two-masted ancient war ship?” Q asked.
“No one really knows.”
"So you have taken the crew of my ship and four of my fellow starship captains, to conduct research into human behavior," Captain T'Gwen Washington of the Miranda said. "Are there not more logical and more effective ways to conduct research?"
"Yes, but none as fun."
Depressingly, Alec and Mouse Q (who asked Alec not to go back down to Ten Forward; he couldn’t bare for Guinan to see him like this) ended up back on the Enterprise, where Marrissa was just about to start her first mediation session.
"Good Morning, everyone," Marrissa said. "Sorry I'm late."
"WHO ARE YOU?" bellowed the chubby Troac negotiator, Sel Rahc Ekael.
“That’s the Mary Sue of our story,” Alec said, coming in behind her, Q still on his shoulder. He found a seat and settled down to watch one of the most depressing and idiotic sessions involving diplomats and a twelve-year-old girl he had ever seen. The negotiators went right along with the girl because they were her creations, and like good little puppets, they did what she wanted. There was the Sue’s justification on why she should be leading the negotiations and the negotiators’ appropriate reactions to such news. There was also a small fistfight involving Marrissa and the shouting negotiator, and then they broke for lunch.
“That,” Alec said, “was depressing.” So depressing that he reached for another pair of Prozac pills.
“You’re telling me.”
“Now,” Alec said, looking at the words, “we get to watch the slaughter of innocent Romulans.”
And it was a slaughter, it was. Alec and Q watched as a battle as badly put together as a three-year-old child’s LEGO tower and with as much blood and slaughter as the last two Lord of the Rings movies combined sprinkled with some from Master and Commander. Sitting in the air with a bag of popcorn, Alec watched it like a movie. A very, very bad movie, but a movie nonetheless.
“What I would like to know,” Q said at one point, “is exactly how all those Romulans knew how to use the ancient Earth-specific boats.”
“It’s called a plot hole.”
“Is that where these Starfleet officers got the knowledge to use archaic weaponry too?”
“Yup.”
“Fascinating,” Q said. “Hand me another popcorn kernel.”
-=-
It was another “negotiation” session. Alec had been enjoying it, especially with Q stuck as a mouse. Apparently Marrissa was afraid of the small furry critters. So Q had spent a good part of the meeting right in front of her, and she could do nothing about it because no one else could see him. Alec, on the other hand, had drawn up charts indicating how stupid she was, and when that got boring, he started impersonating who ever was speaking. Q, seeing this, started impersonating him impersonating them.
"You control Sobnia, ha! Troac can't even administrate a small section of an asteroid belt," Sel Rahc Selaw said.
Alec mimicked every word he said with large extravagant gestures.
Marrissa was beginning to get a headache. The ambassadors agreed on nothing but to agree to disagree. She knew now why the other mediators had failed—they were driven insane by the illogical and insane statements and proposals of the Naklab Sel Rahcs.
"AT LEAST MY PLANET DIDN'T INVADE ANOTHER, WITHOUT A DECLARATION OF WAR," Sel Rahc Ekeal responded angrily.
Alec stuck his finger into his left ear and wiggled it. Sel Rahc Ekeal had yelled right into his ear. The finger came out with a bit of wax, which he wiped on the table. Marrissa adjourned for lunch.
Alec and Q followed, singing a rousing duet of ninety-nine bottles of Romulan Ale on the wall.
The turbolift opened onto the bridge.
Q and Alec fell silent.
"Ah! my young captain, how nice of you to join us," Q said from the counselor's seat. "I was just showing your first officer some of the regular command crew's encounters with me while I waited for you." Q gestured at the viewscreen. Captain Picard was fighting Sir Guy.
Sir Guy said as their swords crossed, "I'll have you know I'm the greatest swordsman in all of Nottingham." A fury of sword clashes followed. As there swords crossed again Picard replied,
"Very Impressive. There is something you should know ... I'm not from Nottingham." the Captain finished off Sir Guy. The viewscreen returned to its view of Sobnia.
"I've put all of my encounters with humans into this computer," Q said. "Take a look some time, you may find them entertaining."
“Who is that and why does he look like me?”
“That is you, or you if you hadn’t stepped out of the story. The Narrative must have created a faux you to move the plot along.”
“Faux me indeed, the resemblance is barely there.” Q huffed. Alec caught himself before saying, well yes, that’s because you look like a mouse.
"That's nice Q," Captain Marrissa Picard said. "Computer begin recording the bridge for transmission to Starfleet Exploratory, Admiral Necheyev. Q, are you responsible for disappearance of the crews of the Brattain, Hemingway, Miranda, and Tain Nan Men?"
"Yes, Why do you ask?" Q responded.
"Just a hunch," Marrissa said.
“Actually it was blindingly obvious.”
"Where are they?"
"They are providing naval support to Captain Picard's defense of a midevil castle-town," Q replied.
“And I would never be that obvious!”
“You know what, screw this,” Alec said. “I’ve got enough charges for three Sues.” Straightening up, he dusted himself off and cleared his throat loudly. Marrissa and Faux Q (as well as the rest of the bridge crew) turned to look at him. “I’ve seen enough,” he said when he had everyone’s attention. Marrissa looked at him eagerly, expecting an excellent report from her so-called judge.
“Marrissa Amber Picard, you are hereby charged with the following: Being a Mary Sue, changing canon so that children know how to run a starship, making admirals idiots… more so than usual… Making it a good idea for having a child run complicated and delicate negotiations, making the disappearance of the real crew an item of no importance, mangling the character of everyone you’ve come in contact with, creating stupid names for planets, numerous abuses of the English Language, continued use of a mini Vulcan Teddy Bear as a replacement for Tasha Yar (that’s one “r”) causing a people shortage in the Federation, turning Picard into a blood thirsty slaughter monger, needless violence against Romulans, creating more plot-holes that should be decent, doing a bad job of breaking the fourth wall, for abuse of the common comma, for abuse of the word “their,” creating a mini-thespian and turning Q into a mouse. For this and other crimes, you are doomed to die. Any last words?” Alec sucked in a huge gulp of air.
Marrissa stared at him, confused. “What do you mean doomed to die? I can’t die! Who’s going to finish negotiations?”
“Not you darling,” Alec drawled. “Not you at all.” The mouse Q jumped off his shoulder and ran to the puppet Q. There was an odd flash of Slimpic light and then Q was standing before him, hale and whole.
“Ahhh much better.” He looked over at Alec. “If I may have this one? Please?” Alec was silent for a whole half a second before shrugging.
“Sure, why not?”
Q grinned. “My dear Sue, you are about to be evolved into a higher life form.” Marrissa’s eyes widened and she shot Alec a grin of smug delight. Q snapped his fingers. Marrissa vanished in a flash of Slimpic light, blinding everyone on the bridge. When the light cleared, Marrissa was gone. Where she had been standing was an Orion wing-slug. Alec stared down at it.
“Higher life form. Right, good.” Alec said as he reached down to pick up the slug. He stared at it for a second before dropping it into his pack. “Canon should be snapping back into place soon, so I better get going.”
“You aren’t going to stop by and say hello to your mother?” Q asked.
“Can’t, have to dispose of the slug, maybe later...” Alec said as he fumbled for his portal device. He pushed the button and the portal opened up. “Bye now.” He leapt through the portal back to headquarters.
Once the portal closed Alec fished out the slug. He dropped it onto the computer console and after a few minutes found a small plastic container. The slug was properly deposited into the container. “Come on you, off to school with you.” Humming, he left the office, slug in hand, headed for the Star Trek Fan Fiction University, where he was sure Marrissa would be “well” cared for.
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